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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE
During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
 
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms.

They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.

They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. :oops:
 

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At morning service the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says: "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said:
"F*** him."
 
Nestle manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nestle official whispers, "Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Nestle is prepared to donate €100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'"

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nestle man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to €300 million."

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."

The Nestle guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nestle respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... "We will donate €500 million - that's half a billion euros- to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into €500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Tip Top Bread account!"
 
This guy goes to his GP and says, Doc, imma need some help on the weekend!
The Doc asks why?
I need Viagra!
Why says his GP who has never dispensed the drug to this man before.
The guy explains that his Wife has been in prison for four months and is getting out Friday, his Girl fiend is seeing him on Saturday and hasn't seen him for 3 months AND his mistress is seeing him Sunday and hasn't seen him for 6 months.
The GP reluctantly agrees but tells the guy that its a lot of Viagra and he needs an appointment Monday morning to make sure he is ok.


8:00 Monday morning the guy returns to the GP with a full arm plaster and a sling.
The GP stares at him and says "what happened??"
None of 'em turned up he says......
 

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I used to live in the country in a farming area, I went over to the farm next door one day to see farmer Mick Baker.
He had a heap of pigs, one had a wooden leg, he said that pig was special it had saved his life during a fire by tapping on his bedroom window with his snout to wake him up.
Another time his boy Billy fell down the well while Mick was plowing the field.
The pig broke from his pen and used his snout to pull the boy out with some rope and the boy lived.
I said what a special pig but why does he have a wooden leg?
Mick said , 'With a special pig like that, you don't eat him all at once'.
 
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Before Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' life-long friend, he reluctantly agrees.

After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving...what are you really up to?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife, right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says,
"You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago..."
 
Sam Newman had a week off and decided to play golf every day.
Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Annette, who turned out to be a very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition.
On the 18th green, Annette sank her long birdie putt for the win. Sam congratulated her and paid off his losses.
Annette asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Sam, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.'
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, Enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.
Again Annette beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.
This went on all week, with Sam narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Sam said, 'Annette, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?'
Annette burst into tears. 'I can't!'
'What? Why not?' Sam asked.
'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!'
'What?!' Aghast, Sam swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.
'I'm so sorry,' says Annette, 'You have a right to be angry with me.'
'You bastard!' Sam screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees'.
 
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