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The missus said last nite “hey let's go upstairs for a shag“. I said "ok luv, after the boxing“.

She said “u do realise u can record it“. I said "niceeee. U get the camcorder & wait upstairs, I'll be up after the boxin”
 
Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will be home late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dinner before I return."

He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

She text back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my ******* first message...
 

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I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her nicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me...:)
 
You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today!
 
My therapist says to let go of my anger I should write letters to people I hate and burn them. I did that and feel great!

I have one question tho ... do I keep the letters?
 
Today...if I don't laugh I cry:'(
.................................................................................................................

A young man called Tony wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies department and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Tony got the knickers.

Good old Tony sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

"Dear Kate,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love
Tony.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing."
 
I've just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...

My car into reverse & driving away from the accident!
 
JCHolmes said:
Hugh Hefner has just passed away, pretty sad really because he definitely wont be in a better place.
Click to expand...

He doesn't need Viagra to get stiff now
 
Decided to watch a pr0n movie just now. Put the DVD in and all I could see was a bald headed fat slob playing with his utensil. Then I realised I hadn’t turned the TV on!
 
jumboprince said:
I got attacked by 3 guys last night while walking home, luckily I managed to knock one out.

Not the best time for a wank - but I thought it might be my last!
Click to expand...

And there I was enjoying a lovely wank on the sofa.

Then Fantastic Furniture banned me
 

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A lady to doctor: “My husband talks in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”

Doctor: “How about giving him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
 
"Daddy why do people hang horses ?" asked my daughter.
"Nobody hangs horses darling " I consoled her "who told you that people hang horses ?".
"I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse".
 
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right...

Her husband said: The cat just died...
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually!

Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing.

By the way, how is my mom?

Husband: She is playing on the roof.
 
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass"
(¸.•´ (¸.•`
 
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?:D
 
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.';)
 
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. . . . I'm telling everybody!':eek:
 
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! 'o_O
 
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