VelvetSledge
Brownlow Medallist
- May 24, 2007
- 18,298
- 38,398
- AFL Club
- Essendon
- Other Teams
- Liverpool FC, Melbourne Storm
23 degrees maximum. Partly cloudy. 20% chance of showers, most likely in the afternoon and evening. Light winds.
Better pack your brolly, Jane!
SportsBet:
BRISBANE LIONS: $2.25
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $1.65
CrownBet:
BRISBANE LIONS: $2.25
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $1.65
UBET:
BRISBANE LIONS: $2.25
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $1.65
They're all literally the same, this was the best copy paste hatchet job ever
ESSENDON BOMBERS
I tipped us to lose by 8, and I was right 8.875 times! 71 points to the negative and one hangover later, and we were deadset munted.
What a crock. Old mate Rancey trying his best to replicate Matthew Mitcham's heroics on the diving board and subsequent pool in the Olympics from moons ago. If anything, he helped us not cop the wrath of the world from our shitty performance, instead, taking all the media for himself.
It was a great celebration of our Indigenous culture surrounding the game until about the 14 second mark of the first quarter. Then it was piss.
The reigning Brownlow Coleman Norm Smith Worlds Most Tattooed Man Ansett Wizard Home Loans Cup champion Dusty Martin Del Potro was quiet, and yet still managed to win free kicks and shit from Michael Hurley winning a legitimate contest AND I'M NOT BITTER I'M JUST DISAPPOINTED DAMN IT.
Jake Stringer played his best game in red and black, and as far as I'm concerned he can carry his kids onto the ground every bloody week if he plays like that.
Hurls came back into the team and decided that he would go against the grain of Essendon playing well with laser sharp disposal, instead option to bomb the ****ing thing 40 metres in the air on top of McDonald-Tipungwuti's head ala Alwyn Davey.
David Zaharakis got caught between Nankervis and a hard place and subsequently saw his shoulder emerge out of the other side of the world, which will see him miss 6 or so weeks as they express ship a replacement shoulder from Taiwan.
Haven't beat these pricks for years now, seven straight ****ing losses, and my wife decided she wants to go for Richmond now, so it's fair to say it was an angry night on the couch at the Sledge household. Take from that what you will.
A crowd of 81,000 is a sellout now? Piss.
If Jake had kicked that goal then we would have only been 6 points down but then the ****ers went coast to coast. Man, **** Richmond.
The jumpers looked pretty schmick though, so that was nice.
ESSENDON 6.7 43 def. by RICHMOND 17.12 114
BEST: Stringer, Smith, McKernan, Hooker, Merrett (I'm only putting these names here because the AFL website listed them and that's ****ing putrid journalism) WHEN REALLY IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN Stringer, Saad, Bellchambers, Guelfi, Smith, Langford
GOALS: McDonald-Tipungwuti 2, Smith, Z. Merrett, Fantasia, Laverde
INJURIES: Zaharakis (Shoulder deported)
REPORTS: Nil
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BRISBANE LIONS
Look, they lost to Norf (who are frustratingly good at the moment it should be said), but there's no judging on this part. The Lions are improving rapidly, and they're a fantastic side; at least as good as you'll get with a 1-10 record.
That being said, three major injuries within a game does not a good game make. Christensen (concussion), Cameron (ankle), and McCluggage (hamstring) were all taken out of the game before half time, and from there on in, the plucky Lions didn't have much of a chance, even if they did win the second half.
It doesn't change the fact that the Lions conceded their highest ever points against North; 141.
You can't fault the competitiveness that shows at Brisbane now after years of mediocrity and - to be frank - deadset gobshiteness.
The key here is former skipper Dayne Beams, who, since handing in the captaincy, has been dominant with his new-found freedom to focus on his game and his headspace. He destroyed arguably the game's best tagger in Ben Jacobs last week to the tune of 32 disposals and 5 goals, and he will certainly be a handful for our defensive mids this week.
An underrated battle this week will be between the giants in Tom Bellchambers and Stefan Martin; Martin has been one of the best ruckmen in the league this season and started 2018 like a house on fire, frequently racking up possessions all over the ground.
Mitch Robinson isn't playing, so we won't have to worry about that one spud firing for the annual Essendon game every single year. Fuggin.
NORTH MELBOURNE 21.15 141 def. BRISBANE 12.15 87
BEST: Beams, Andrews, Hodge, Bailey
GOALS: Beams 5, McStay 2, McInerney, Bailey, Keays, Taylor, Zorko
INJURIES: Berry (Hamstring replaced by Keays), Christensen (Concussion), Cameron (Foot), McCluggage (Calf)
REPORTS: Mitch Robinson (Rough Conduct on Shaun Higgins)
ESSENDON EMERGENCIES
Jayden Laverde, Jackson Merrett, Dylan Clarke, Aaron Francis
BRISBANE EMERGENCIES
Tom Bell, Josh Walker, Brandon Starcevich, Jake Barrett
--------------------------
ESSENDON INS: David Myers, Josh Green, Mason Redman, Mitch Brown
ESSENDON OUTS: Jordan Ridley (Cyst), David Zaharakis (Shoulder), James Stewart (Omitted), Jayden Laverde (Omitted)
BRISBANE INS: Jarrod Berry, Sam Mayes
BRISBANE OUTS: Charlie Cameron (Injured), Mitch Robinson (Injured)
MILESTONES:
ESSENDON - #18 - MICHAEL HURLEY
150 GAMES
BRISBANE - #32 - SAM MAYES
100 GAMES
-sigh-
So after some adventurous weeks, where the selection panel decided to make some drastic calls on certain players and bring in the kids, we've decided to go right back to the same mediocre "experience beats form" bullshit. Absolute pox. There's not a single knowledgeable Essendon fan who is happy about these changes. Anyway. David Zaharakis' shoulder is poking out of the Earth somewhere under the Atlantic after Toby Nankervis crunched him through the core of the planet. As such, he's being excavated from the MCG turf and is unavailable for the next six or seven weeks. Bullshit. Jordan Ridley is injured too, which is frustrating considering how composed he has looked in his first few AFL listed games. Jayden Laverde FINALLY got some continuous games, but god damn it, he still didn't take the full opportunity. While I understand the dropping, it's still frustrating from a fans perspective. Add to that the fact that Jim Stewart has been dropped for the first time in a while (which is fully understandable), and we have a core group of young players, who could be considered as part of our next flag tilt, out of the team. And who do we replace them with? Three of the most polarising names on our list. David Myers, Josh Green, and Mitch Brown. Three players who we know won't be part of our next flag. Unless something remarkable happens. You would have thought that at LEAST Aaron Francis could have made it in, but apparently not. Fuggin. The only good part about our inclusions this week would have to be the returning Mason Redman, who's playing his first game since 1865. His form in the VFL has been fantastic, and he is one of the most consistent players week in, week out. It's about time he got in. We just have to hope, honest to goodness, by the power of the Velvet Sledgehammer, that he can retain his spot after the bye.
The Lions have made just the two forced changes, with Charlie Cameron's season ending prematurely due to a Lisfranc Injury; no jokes here, they ****ing suck, hurt like shit, and are hard to recover from. Mitch Robinson is having a week off to punch out randoms at the pub and spit on strangers from the overpass of the Pacific Highway. Or he's injured. Both are likely. Coming into the side are Jarrod Berry, and Sam Mayes, who is returning to play his 100th game.
Very uninspiring.
ESSENDON BOMBERS - #18 - MICHAEL HURLEY
150 games up for the big Bear. Rarely has one player caused so much discussion on his positioning. He can play full forward, full back, ruck, midfield, centre half bench, pie warmer at the Keilor Under 12s, or even match day coach. He's a gun. A true out and out footballer. Last week, however, was not one of his better efforts. He came back into the side after a small injury lay off, and seemingly didn't get the memo that we had been playing decent possession based footy for the past two weeks. As such, old mate Hurls decided to bomb the ****ing thing sky high and drop it on a group of Richmond players with one Essendon player under it. While not a massive tactical step, he let far too many chances slip, and while we would have lost regardless, that was not fun to see. Plus, when you add on the bullshit free he "gave away" to the golden goose Dusty Martin, Hurls didn't have a great night out. This week, however, is a new week, a new game, and a new chance. He runs out for his 150th game in the red and black up at the Gabba, and will be looking to TEAR THE LIONS ARMS OFF AND BEAT THE LIVING PISS OUT OF THEM WITH THE SLOPPY ENDS.
ESSENDON BOMBERS - #27 - MASON REDMAN
FINALLY he's back, so it's time to roll this bad boy out again!
Now, if we actually focus on Mason from a footballing perspective, it's about bloody time. The kid has all the talent in the world, and it's his time to show it in the big leagues. He tries his hardest every single week, and that's all we really need in our side. Consistent effort.
BRISBANE LIONS - #2 - LUKE HODGE
**** this guy. The 315 game, four-time premiership winning, dual Norm-Smith Medalist former captain of **** Hawthorn shocked the football world last year when he signed a two year deal with Brisbane at the end of last season. Eyebrows were raised, Lite n Easy meals were consumed, and Blood Alcohol Readings were broken, but Hodge found himself at the Gabba with command over the young Lions backline. He runs a class each week with the youngsters on how to win flags, get tribal tattoos, and drink too much beer at club functions. At this stage, no-one has graduated from the program, but hey, it's early days. They'll get there eventually.
I don't hate Luke Hodge.
I just hate Hawthorn.
And, as a follow-on, I can't see him as a Brisbane player at this point. As such, **** this guy.
BRISBANE LIONS - #14 - JOSH WALKER
I could have written about the guns Beams and Zorko, who are actually playing, plus the extremely underrated Harris Andrews, but I won't. Honestly this is just a chance to say that old mate Walker's hair therapist is an absolute mad dog. What a bloke. Those plugs are legit. He came from the world's oldest 24 year old last year with a hairline akin to that of Billy Brownless, to the strapping man with a crop of feathers that looks like it's been engineered with a protractor and compass. Quality effort to you, young man. I bet you were stoked on team photo day.
It's a strange feeling to see one of your idols deteriorate. To see the once powerful, strong, athletic person be brought down to someone who struggles to talk, struggles to dress themselves - in general, just someone who doesn't have the basic functionality to get by in life. This is a week on the footy calendar where we acknowledge that. For a lot of Essendon, Melbourne, and footy fans in general, this weekend's footy, and the subsequent Big Freeze 4 that will occur on Monday afternoon, is a testament and a tribute to the one and only Neale Daniher.
I've followed the Bombers my whole life, but when I was born in 1991, I didn't have fine motor skills nor the ability to not shit my pants, let alone be able to watch and appreciate the Daniher lads dominating for the red and black back in the day. I'm blessed in 2018 (Well not so much 2018) to be able to watch one Daniher play who's name isn't Darcy, but I digress. This week is a celebration of Neale, and while his contribution to the game of footy is a large one, with 82 games playing at Essendon turning into a long coaching career at the Demons. 223 games over nine years, including a Grand Final appearance against the all-conquering Essendon team of 2000. Neale stepped away from the spotlight after results started to fade away in 2007, and a once-powerful Melbourne side faded into obscurity with him.
Neale spent a few years away from the spotlight, before the horrendous news that he had been diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease surfaced. This was horrendous news for fans of Essendon and Melbourne due to Neale's contributions to both clubs, but was even worse for his family. The family element of this diseason is one that can't be understated, and I speak from experience. More on that a bit later.
Neale and his family have done so much for the Freeze MND foundation and garnering traction for the awareness of this prick of a disease. They've come through, raising a ton of money, and bringing it to the forefront of the mainstream media. Neale himself has appeared on every footy show there is this week, raising even more money and spreading his inspirational fight, even though he seems to know that his time is running short. He can't dress himself, he can't drive, he can't talk properly anymore. He is deteriorating, albeit slowly, and it's pure heartbreak. Neale is in the forefront of the footy world this week, but deserves it every single week. It's hard for us to watch without a dry eye, but imagine what it's like for his family. Seeing him slowly fade, from day to day, gradually getting worse.
Unfortunately, I've seen this disease from a personal perspective. My Uncle was diagnosed with MND four years ago, and while his decline is much more gradual than Neale's, it's still a horrible, horrible thing to see someone who you grew up around turning into a shell. And that's exactly what the disease is; your mind is active, willing, and desperately crying to get your body to do what you want it to, but you can't. You suffocate within your own body. It's gradual, it's a long struggle, and it's a inevitable result of the person you care about not being with you anymore. While it may end up being a simple matter of waiting for it all to end, the wait is the worst part. Knowing you're going to die, and knowing that you're going to be doing it slowly, would have to be the worst curse you could have ever had. While it's too late for my uncle, and for Neale, it's not too late for the rest of the world to be getting the acknowledgement of this disease. It's widespread, it's horrendous.
But it's a great testament to Neale that he's making his final years count. He's making the most of it and raising awareness for the rest of those who don't have a voice.
And we will miss him when he's gone.
-VS
A stellar piece this week from everyone's favourite Brent Stanton impersonator and Jake Stringer Soothsayer, Zach Package .
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Round 12 returns to our lives when Essendon take on the Lions in sunny Brisbane in a game with absolutely no ramifications on anything, anywhere. Bordered to the north by the part of Australia that guards relevant parts of Australia from Japanese invasion and to the south by the sunnier, but somehow sadder Gold Coast this certainly promises to be a football game. But given none of this matters, let's explore something that might. Let's explore the AFL's untimely death.
It was the year of our lord 2016, we lost Boutros Boutros-Ghali, George Michael, Pokemon Go proliferated the soul and Steve Smith ascended to some kind of Hindu half man, half pig, half god, and the AFL lost it's marbles. Fresh off 'doing the bad thing', Essendon's punishment was to do the thing that almost every side that has had any kind of success in the past 20 years has done, take a sojourn to the AFL's moist, fertile downstairs for a while to perk back up. The fate of 'the 34' (my fave 'Fast and the Furious' sequel) was decided by 11 blokes that all shared the same penchant for a show trial, the name 'Pierre' and Ross Lyon's overtly effeminate walking style. Everyone shrugged. 2016 passed with relative ease for me, Essendon games fascinated me, neutral games didn't exist, we had a guy running around for us wearing the number 56 and we beat Carlton in hilarious circumstances.
The Swans romped into the Grand Final on the Friday night, the 13 remaining fit Bulldogs players just scraped past the Giants and everyone was thinking the same thing, 'Sydney are going to absolutely shit this one in next Saturday'. They were half right. How could a Sydney side that had the best defence in the AFL, the best midfield in the AFL AND Lance Franklin not win this game? We all knew that Longmire's gameplan was literally just a whiteboard with the words 'academy' and 'COLA' circled in big letters with a little sketch of himself clutching fistfuls of dollars in the centre but surely? As we watched we knew we were watching history, we just didn't know what kind. This was the end of modern football as we knew it, left was right, up was down, Johanissen slaughtered the pill all day but they gave him the Norm Smith because he was fast, had cool hair and kicked the ball long...somewhere?. They renamed the Coleman Medal after Zaine Cordy and in a bizarre twist the Bulldogs played out most of the game with only 6 men on the field. Luke Beverage had just torn down the establishment, wiped his arse with it and made a 'Point Break' reference in his acceptance speech, because he was such a tubular dude. Noted 0 time premiership player Robert Murphy was awarded the Nobel Prize for Chemistry and everyone went home with that warm, fuzzy feeling I imagine people get from meaningful human contact. The Swans thought they just lost the grand final that day, little did they know they just ruined ****ing everything. An actual sliding doors moment if ever I saw one.
Everyone is worshipping at the church of that Western Bulldogs side because of that day, even the current Western Bulldogs side. Key position players are irrelevant, where you kick it is more important than if you actually kick it to anyone, Ruckmen without a basketball background have been outlawed and the game is starting to resemble Rugby League if it was interesting, marketed well, had less urine related scandals and had some skill involved. I see you Gillon, you thought you could blame the AFL's ratings dip on Carlton being scheduled for 43 Friday night fixtures in 2018 but the real issue is that football is now a kind of a chore to watch. I have limited myself to only attending games where the Crusty Demons go on at the half.
Then, just when you thought you'd seen it all, along comes ****ing Richmond of all people and says 'hold my beer' (which when you really think about it really makes total and complete sense given the amount of garbage visible tattoos, threats of physical violence, connections to bikie gangs and sex scandals) and takes the house Beverage built and puts a great big gaudy bogan extension on the back of it with an uncomfortably large boat parked on the front lawn. Luke Beverage is Ultron with worse hair in this analogy but Damien Hardwick is Thanos. How the hell do you win against them if anytime anyone gets close to them they just use the green 'Eye of Ray Chamberlain' to pull a free kick out their arse or the Reality Stone's secret unmentioned ability to move away games to the MCG with just the snap of the fingers? Continuing the analogy because of course the AFL decided to sell the naming rights to Docklands to Marvel, last year Adelaide had a chance to 'go for the head' and not only did they not take it, they didn't even land a punch. But again, how ****ing cool did they look in that power stance? Tex Walker is definitely a bit of a Starlord here, he's a fun sideshow but also a complete joke.
It's a copycat league, always has been, always will be and the Crows, like the Swans the year before them had the chance to win one for common bloody sense and did the entire competition the opposite of a favour. Continuing the Marvel theme, this revolution is being televised, unfortunately it's being broadcast in shitty SD, the games are on tape delay and James ****ing Brayshaw is commentating. Not long before Guantanamo comes calling, cruel and unusual doesn't even come close. Remember when we got done for bringing the game into disrepute? How about we charge that entire Swans team, those miserable pricks started the rot. Oh and Ross Lyon can get ****ed too, he tried to do this 10 years ago but failed at it because he came up against sides that played exciting, high scoring, free flowing footy. He's old, stupid and useless, he's Howard the Duck.
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If you would like to nominate for a guest spot as a ranter, please PM me!
ROUND 15, 2017
Otherwise known as the worst second half you've ever seen, Etihad Stadium, 2nd July, 2017
ESSENDON BOMBERS 11.16 82
def. by
BRISBANE LIONS 13.12 90
---------
ESSENDON BEST: Goddard, Watson, Hurley
ESSENDON GOALS: Daniher 3, Hooker, McDonald-Tipungwuti 2, Green, Stewart, Fantasia, Parish
BRISBANE BEST: Zorko, Mayes, Taylor, Professor Snape
BRISBANE GOALS: Hipwood 4, Bewick 3, Zorko 2, Bastinac, Lester, Walker, Cutler
---------
CHANGES SINCE THEN:
ESSENDON OUTS: Watson, Parish, Gleeson, Zaharakis, Kelly, Colyer, Daniher, Hartley, Stewart
ESSENDON INS: Dea, Saad, Stringer, Smith, Brown, McKernan, Redman, Guelfi, Myers
BRISBANE OUTS: Rockliff, Bastinac, Mathieson, Walker, Bewick, Smith, Barrett
BRISBANE INS: Christensen, Bailey, Rayner, Hodge, Beams, Keays, McInerney
MELBOURNE:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: 3AW, ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M, SEN
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
SYDNEY:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: -
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
ADELAIDE:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 12.30pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 12.30pm ACST)
RADIO: 5AA, ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
PERTH:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 11.00am AWST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 11.00am AWST)
RADIO: ABC, ABC Grandstand
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
BRISBANE:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXFooty (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: ABC, Triple M, Macquarie Sports Radio
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
TASMANIA:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: NIRS, ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M, AFL Nation
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
DARWIN:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 12.30pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 12.30pm AEST)
RADIO: NIRS, ABC, ABC Grandstand, AFL Nation
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
The team that loves playing us in their own backyard. It doesn't matter what the talent reads, this is Brisbane's backyard, and I can't see us winning, no matter what the odds read.
Brisbane by 38.
ESSENDON BOMBERS
I tipped us to lose by 8, and I was right 8.875 times! 71 points to the negative and one hangover later, and we were deadset munted.
What a crock. Old mate Rancey trying his best to replicate Matthew Mitcham's heroics on the diving board and subsequent pool in the Olympics from moons ago. If anything, he helped us not cop the wrath of the world from our shitty performance, instead, taking all the media for himself.
It was a great celebration of our Indigenous culture surrounding the game until about the 14 second mark of the first quarter. Then it was piss.
The reigning Brownlow Coleman Norm Smith Worlds Most Tattooed Man Ansett Wizard Home Loans Cup champion Dusty Martin Del Potro was quiet, and yet still managed to win free kicks and shit from Michael Hurley winning a legitimate contest AND I'M NOT BITTER I'M JUST DISAPPOINTED DAMN IT.
Jake Stringer played his best game in red and black, and as far as I'm concerned he can carry his kids onto the ground every bloody week if he plays like that.
Hurls came back into the team and decided that he would go against the grain of Essendon playing well with laser sharp disposal, instead option to bomb the ****ing thing 40 metres in the air on top of McDonald-Tipungwuti's head ala Alwyn Davey.
David Zaharakis got caught between Nankervis and a hard place and subsequently saw his shoulder emerge out of the other side of the world, which will see him miss 6 or so weeks as they express ship a replacement shoulder from Taiwan.
Haven't beat these pricks for years now, seven straight ****ing losses, and my wife decided she wants to go for Richmond now, so it's fair to say it was an angry night on the couch at the Sledge household. Take from that what you will.
A crowd of 81,000 is a sellout now? Piss.
If Jake had kicked that goal then we would have only been 6 points down but then the ****ers went coast to coast. Man, **** Richmond.
The jumpers looked pretty schmick though, so that was nice.
ESSENDON 6.7 43 def. by RICHMOND 17.12 114
BEST: Stringer, Smith, McKernan, Hooker, Merrett (I'm only putting these names here because the AFL website listed them and that's ****ing putrid journalism) WHEN REALLY IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN Stringer, Saad, Bellchambers, Guelfi, Smith, Langford
GOALS: McDonald-Tipungwuti 2, Smith, Z. Merrett, Fantasia, Laverde
INJURIES: Zaharakis (Shoulder deported)
REPORTS: Nil
--------
BRISBANE LIONS
Look, they lost to Norf (who are frustratingly good at the moment it should be said), but there's no judging on this part. The Lions are improving rapidly, and they're a fantastic side; at least as good as you'll get with a 1-10 record.
That being said, three major injuries within a game does not a good game make. Christensen (concussion), Cameron (ankle), and McCluggage (hamstring) were all taken out of the game before half time, and from there on in, the plucky Lions didn't have much of a chance, even if they did win the second half.
It doesn't change the fact that the Lions conceded their highest ever points against North; 141.
You can't fault the competitiveness that shows at Brisbane now after years of mediocrity and - to be frank - deadset gobshiteness.
The key here is former skipper Dayne Beams, who, since handing in the captaincy, has been dominant with his new-found freedom to focus on his game and his headspace. He destroyed arguably the game's best tagger in Ben Jacobs last week to the tune of 32 disposals and 5 goals, and he will certainly be a handful for our defensive mids this week.
An underrated battle this week will be between the giants in Tom Bellchambers and Stefan Martin; Martin has been one of the best ruckmen in the league this season and started 2018 like a house on fire, frequently racking up possessions all over the ground.
Mitch Robinson isn't playing, so we won't have to worry about that one spud firing for the annual Essendon game every single year. Fuggin.
NORTH MELBOURNE 21.15 141 def. BRISBANE 12.15 87
BEST: Beams, Andrews, Hodge, Bailey
GOALS: Beams 5, McStay 2, McInerney, Bailey, Keays, Taylor, Zorko
INJURIES: Berry (Hamstring replaced by Keays), Christensen (Concussion), Cameron (Foot), McCluggage (Calf)
REPORTS: Mitch Robinson (Rough Conduct on Shaun Higgins)
ESSENDON EMERGENCIES
Jayden Laverde, Jackson Merrett, Dylan Clarke, Aaron Francis
BRISBANE EMERGENCIES
Tom Bell, Josh Walker, Brandon Starcevich, Jake Barrett
--------------------------
ESSENDON INS: David Myers, Josh Green, Mason Redman, Mitch Brown
ESSENDON OUTS: Jordan Ridley (Cyst), David Zaharakis (Shoulder), James Stewart (Omitted), Jayden Laverde (Omitted)
BRISBANE INS: Jarrod Berry, Sam Mayes
BRISBANE OUTS: Charlie Cameron (Injured), Mitch Robinson (Injured)
MILESTONES:
ESSENDON - #18 - MICHAEL HURLEY
150 GAMES
BRISBANE - #32 - SAM MAYES
100 GAMES
-sigh-
So after some adventurous weeks, where the selection panel decided to make some drastic calls on certain players and bring in the kids, we've decided to go right back to the same mediocre "experience beats form" bullshit. Absolute pox. There's not a single knowledgeable Essendon fan who is happy about these changes. Anyway. David Zaharakis' shoulder is poking out of the Earth somewhere under the Atlantic after Toby Nankervis crunched him through the core of the planet. As such, he's being excavated from the MCG turf and is unavailable for the next six or seven weeks. Bullshit. Jordan Ridley is injured too, which is frustrating considering how composed he has looked in his first few AFL listed games. Jayden Laverde FINALLY got some continuous games, but god damn it, he still didn't take the full opportunity. While I understand the dropping, it's still frustrating from a fans perspective. Add to that the fact that Jim Stewart has been dropped for the first time in a while (which is fully understandable), and we have a core group of young players, who could be considered as part of our next flag tilt, out of the team. And who do we replace them with? Three of the most polarising names on our list. David Myers, Josh Green, and Mitch Brown. Three players who we know won't be part of our next flag. Unless something remarkable happens. You would have thought that at LEAST Aaron Francis could have made it in, but apparently not. Fuggin. The only good part about our inclusions this week would have to be the returning Mason Redman, who's playing his first game since 1865. His form in the VFL has been fantastic, and he is one of the most consistent players week in, week out. It's about time he got in. We just have to hope, honest to goodness, by the power of the Velvet Sledgehammer, that he can retain his spot after the bye.
The Lions have made just the two forced changes, with Charlie Cameron's season ending prematurely due to a Lisfranc Injury; no jokes here, they ****ing suck, hurt like shit, and are hard to recover from. Mitch Robinson is having a week off to punch out randoms at the pub and spit on strangers from the overpass of the Pacific Highway. Or he's injured. Both are likely. Coming into the side are Jarrod Berry, and Sam Mayes, who is returning to play his 100th game.
Very uninspiring.
ESSENDON BOMBERS - #18 - MICHAEL HURLEY
150 games up for the big Bear. Rarely has one player caused so much discussion on his positioning. He can play full forward, full back, ruck, midfield, centre half bench, pie warmer at the Keilor Under 12s, or even match day coach. He's a gun. A true out and out footballer. Last week, however, was not one of his better efforts. He came back into the side after a small injury lay off, and seemingly didn't get the memo that we had been playing decent possession based footy for the past two weeks. As such, old mate Hurls decided to bomb the ****ing thing sky high and drop it on a group of Richmond players with one Essendon player under it. While not a massive tactical step, he let far too many chances slip, and while we would have lost regardless, that was not fun to see. Plus, when you add on the bullshit free he "gave away" to the golden goose Dusty Martin, Hurls didn't have a great night out. This week, however, is a new week, a new game, and a new chance. He runs out for his 150th game in the red and black up at the Gabba, and will be looking to TEAR THE LIONS ARMS OFF AND BEAT THE LIVING PISS OUT OF THEM WITH THE SLOPPY ENDS.
ESSENDON BOMBERS - #27 - MASON REDMAN
FINALLY he's back, so it's time to roll this bad boy out again!
Now, if we actually focus on Mason from a footballing perspective, it's about bloody time. The kid has all the talent in the world, and it's his time to show it in the big leagues. He tries his hardest every single week, and that's all we really need in our side. Consistent effort.
BRISBANE LIONS - #2 - LUKE HODGE
**** this guy. The 315 game, four-time premiership winning, dual Norm-Smith Medalist former captain of **** Hawthorn shocked the football world last year when he signed a two year deal with Brisbane at the end of last season. Eyebrows were raised, Lite n Easy meals were consumed, and Blood Alcohol Readings were broken, but Hodge found himself at the Gabba with command over the young Lions backline. He runs a class each week with the youngsters on how to win flags, get tribal tattoos, and drink too much beer at club functions. At this stage, no-one has graduated from the program, but hey, it's early days. They'll get there eventually.
I don't hate Luke Hodge.
I just hate Hawthorn.
And, as a follow-on, I can't see him as a Brisbane player at this point. As such, **** this guy.
BRISBANE LIONS - #14 - JOSH WALKER
I could have written about the guns Beams and Zorko, who are actually playing, plus the extremely underrated Harris Andrews, but I won't. Honestly this is just a chance to say that old mate Walker's hair therapist is an absolute mad dog. What a bloke. Those plugs are legit. He came from the world's oldest 24 year old last year with a hairline akin to that of Billy Brownless, to the strapping man with a crop of feathers that looks like it's been engineered with a protractor and compass. Quality effort to you, young man. I bet you were stoked on team photo day.
It's a strange feeling to see one of your idols deteriorate. To see the once powerful, strong, athletic person be brought down to someone who struggles to talk, struggles to dress themselves - in general, just someone who doesn't have the basic functionality to get by in life. This is a week on the footy calendar where we acknowledge that. For a lot of Essendon, Melbourne, and footy fans in general, this weekend's footy, and the subsequent Big Freeze 4 that will occur on Monday afternoon, is a testament and a tribute to the one and only Neale Daniher.
I've followed the Bombers my whole life, but when I was born in 1991, I didn't have fine motor skills nor the ability to not shit my pants, let alone be able to watch and appreciate the Daniher lads dominating for the red and black back in the day. I'm blessed in 2018 (Well not so much 2018) to be able to watch one Daniher play who's name isn't Darcy, but I digress. This week is a celebration of Neale, and while his contribution to the game of footy is a large one, with 82 games playing at Essendon turning into a long coaching career at the Demons. 223 games over nine years, including a Grand Final appearance against the all-conquering Essendon team of 2000. Neale stepped away from the spotlight after results started to fade away in 2007, and a once-powerful Melbourne side faded into obscurity with him.
Neale spent a few years away from the spotlight, before the horrendous news that he had been diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease surfaced. This was horrendous news for fans of Essendon and Melbourne due to Neale's contributions to both clubs, but was even worse for his family. The family element of this diseason is one that can't be understated, and I speak from experience. More on that a bit later.
Neale and his family have done so much for the Freeze MND foundation and garnering traction for the awareness of this prick of a disease. They've come through, raising a ton of money, and bringing it to the forefront of the mainstream media. Neale himself has appeared on every footy show there is this week, raising even more money and spreading his inspirational fight, even though he seems to know that his time is running short. He can't dress himself, he can't drive, he can't talk properly anymore. He is deteriorating, albeit slowly, and it's pure heartbreak. Neale is in the forefront of the footy world this week, but deserves it every single week. It's hard for us to watch without a dry eye, but imagine what it's like for his family. Seeing him slowly fade, from day to day, gradually getting worse.
Unfortunately, I've seen this disease from a personal perspective. My Uncle was diagnosed with MND four years ago, and while his decline is much more gradual than Neale's, it's still a horrible, horrible thing to see someone who you grew up around turning into a shell. And that's exactly what the disease is; your mind is active, willing, and desperately crying to get your body to do what you want it to, but you can't. You suffocate within your own body. It's gradual, it's a long struggle, and it's a inevitable result of the person you care about not being with you anymore. While it may end up being a simple matter of waiting for it all to end, the wait is the worst part. Knowing you're going to die, and knowing that you're going to be doing it slowly, would have to be the worst curse you could have ever had. While it's too late for my uncle, and for Neale, it's not too late for the rest of the world to be getting the acknowledgement of this disease. It's widespread, it's horrendous.
But it's a great testament to Neale that he's making his final years count. He's making the most of it and raising awareness for the rest of those who don't have a voice.
And we will miss him when he's gone.
-VS
A stellar piece this week from everyone's favourite Brent Stanton impersonator and Jake Stringer Soothsayer, Zach Package .
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Round 12 returns to our lives when Essendon take on the Lions in sunny Brisbane in a game with absolutely no ramifications on anything, anywhere. Bordered to the north by the part of Australia that guards relevant parts of Australia from Japanese invasion and to the south by the sunnier, but somehow sadder Gold Coast this certainly promises to be a football game. But given none of this matters, let's explore something that might. Let's explore the AFL's untimely death.
It was the year of our lord 2016, we lost Boutros Boutros-Ghali, George Michael, Pokemon Go proliferated the soul and Steve Smith ascended to some kind of Hindu half man, half pig, half god, and the AFL lost it's marbles. Fresh off 'doing the bad thing', Essendon's punishment was to do the thing that almost every side that has had any kind of success in the past 20 years has done, take a sojourn to the AFL's moist, fertile downstairs for a while to perk back up. The fate of 'the 34' (my fave 'Fast and the Furious' sequel) was decided by 11 blokes that all shared the same penchant for a show trial, the name 'Pierre' and Ross Lyon's overtly effeminate walking style. Everyone shrugged. 2016 passed with relative ease for me, Essendon games fascinated me, neutral games didn't exist, we had a guy running around for us wearing the number 56 and we beat Carlton in hilarious circumstances.
The Swans romped into the Grand Final on the Friday night, the 13 remaining fit Bulldogs players just scraped past the Giants and everyone was thinking the same thing, 'Sydney are going to absolutely shit this one in next Saturday'. They were half right. How could a Sydney side that had the best defence in the AFL, the best midfield in the AFL AND Lance Franklin not win this game? We all knew that Longmire's gameplan was literally just a whiteboard with the words 'academy' and 'COLA' circled in big letters with a little sketch of himself clutching fistfuls of dollars in the centre but surely? As we watched we knew we were watching history, we just didn't know what kind. This was the end of modern football as we knew it, left was right, up was down, Johanissen slaughtered the pill all day but they gave him the Norm Smith because he was fast, had cool hair and kicked the ball long...somewhere?. They renamed the Coleman Medal after Zaine Cordy and in a bizarre twist the Bulldogs played out most of the game with only 6 men on the field. Luke Beverage had just torn down the establishment, wiped his arse with it and made a 'Point Break' reference in his acceptance speech, because he was such a tubular dude. Noted 0 time premiership player Robert Murphy was awarded the Nobel Prize for Chemistry and everyone went home with that warm, fuzzy feeling I imagine people get from meaningful human contact. The Swans thought they just lost the grand final that day, little did they know they just ruined ****ing everything. An actual sliding doors moment if ever I saw one.
Everyone is worshipping at the church of that Western Bulldogs side because of that day, even the current Western Bulldogs side. Key position players are irrelevant, where you kick it is more important than if you actually kick it to anyone, Ruckmen without a basketball background have been outlawed and the game is starting to resemble Rugby League if it was interesting, marketed well, had less urine related scandals and had some skill involved. I see you Gillon, you thought you could blame the AFL's ratings dip on Carlton being scheduled for 43 Friday night fixtures in 2018 but the real issue is that football is now a kind of a chore to watch. I have limited myself to only attending games where the Crusty Demons go on at the half.
Then, just when you thought you'd seen it all, along comes ****ing Richmond of all people and says 'hold my beer' (which when you really think about it really makes total and complete sense given the amount of garbage visible tattoos, threats of physical violence, connections to bikie gangs and sex scandals) and takes the house Beverage built and puts a great big gaudy bogan extension on the back of it with an uncomfortably large boat parked on the front lawn. Luke Beverage is Ultron with worse hair in this analogy but Damien Hardwick is Thanos. How the hell do you win against them if anytime anyone gets close to them they just use the green 'Eye of Ray Chamberlain' to pull a free kick out their arse or the Reality Stone's secret unmentioned ability to move away games to the MCG with just the snap of the fingers? Continuing the analogy because of course the AFL decided to sell the naming rights to Docklands to Marvel, last year Adelaide had a chance to 'go for the head' and not only did they not take it, they didn't even land a punch. But again, how ****ing cool did they look in that power stance? Tex Walker is definitely a bit of a Starlord here, he's a fun sideshow but also a complete joke.
It's a copycat league, always has been, always will be and the Crows, like the Swans the year before them had the chance to win one for common bloody sense and did the entire competition the opposite of a favour. Continuing the Marvel theme, this revolution is being televised, unfortunately it's being broadcast in shitty SD, the games are on tape delay and James ****ing Brayshaw is commentating. Not long before Guantanamo comes calling, cruel and unusual doesn't even come close. Remember when we got done for bringing the game into disrepute? How about we charge that entire Swans team, those miserable pricks started the rot. Oh and Ross Lyon can get ****ed too, he tried to do this 10 years ago but failed at it because he came up against sides that played exciting, high scoring, free flowing footy. He's old, stupid and useless, he's Howard the Duck.
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If you would like to nominate for a guest spot as a ranter, please PM me!
ROUND 15, 2017
Otherwise known as the worst second half you've ever seen, Etihad Stadium, 2nd July, 2017
ESSENDON BOMBERS 11.16 82
def. by
BRISBANE LIONS 13.12 90
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ESSENDON BEST: Goddard, Watson, Hurley
ESSENDON GOALS: Daniher 3, Hooker, McDonald-Tipungwuti 2, Green, Stewart, Fantasia, Parish
BRISBANE BEST: Zorko, Mayes, Taylor, Professor Snape
BRISBANE GOALS: Hipwood 4, Bewick 3, Zorko 2, Bastinac, Lester, Walker, Cutler
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CHANGES SINCE THEN:
ESSENDON OUTS: Watson, Parish, Gleeson, Zaharakis, Kelly, Colyer, Daniher, Hartley, Stewart
ESSENDON INS: Dea, Saad, Stringer, Smith, Brown, McKernan, Redman, Guelfi, Myers
BRISBANE OUTS: Rockliff, Bastinac, Mathieson, Walker, Bewick, Smith, Barrett
BRISBANE INS: Christensen, Bailey, Rayner, Hodge, Beams, Keays, McInerney
MELBOURNE:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: 3AW, ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M, SEN
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
SYDNEY:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: -
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
ADELAIDE:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 12.30pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 12.30pm ACST)
RADIO: 5AA, ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
PERTH:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 11.00am AWST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 11.00am AWST)
RADIO: ABC, ABC Grandstand
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
BRISBANE:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXFooty (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: ABC, Triple M, Macquarie Sports Radio
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
TASMANIA:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: NIRS, ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M, AFL Nation
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
DARWIN:
TV: FOXFooty (LIVE at 12.30pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 12.30pm AEST)
RADIO: NIRS, ABC, ABC Grandstand, AFL Nation
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
The team that loves playing us in their own backyard. It doesn't matter what the talent reads, this is Brisbane's backyard, and I can't see us winning, no matter what the odds read.
Brisbane by 38.
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