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I got this in an e-mail - very amusing
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. A STARSHIP
CARRIE FISHER
I'm the princess. I am obviously not
wearing a bra. We are being abducted
by the evil empire, which is evil in
that the main bad guy is dressed all in
black.
DARTH VADER
That'd be me. Breaking into your
starship and killing your guards is
wizard. Yippee.
R2D2 and C3PO travel to another planet.
IMPERIAL GUARDS
There are no life forms, leave it
alone. I'm quite a moron, aren't I?
CARRIE FISHER
Now I will shoot exactly one
stormtrooper.
STORMTROOPER
There she is. Set for stun. She'll be
alright. Who the hell am I saying this
to, don't my colleagues know she'll be
alright?
DARTH VADER
Give me the plans to our DEATH STAR,
which is always written in capital
letters and is actually quite a stupid
name if you stop to think about it.
CARRIE FISHER
Why do you need them? Didn't you finish
building it? Ha ha!
DARTH VADER
That's not funny. Remember hon, Daddy
doesn't like it when you make fun of
him. Oops, I mean...er...uh...
CARRIE FISHER
Besides, why do you assume we only have
one copy? If they were beamed aboard
here, couldn't we just as easily beam
them elsewhere or make copies and send
them all over the place?
DARTH VADER
Take her away!
EXT. DESERT
C3PO and R2D2 have a really boring conversation in the
desert that slows the pace of the movie down to a crawl
and makes it almost intolerable.
R2D2
Blip blip.
C3PO
What? I don't know what you're talking
about! I'm not gay, just randomly
British! Very very very British...
R2D2
Blip!
C3PO
Don't call me that!
They are both captured and brought to MARK HAMILL and his
UNCLE.
UNCLE
Mark, come help me pick up some droids.
MARK HAMILL
(whining really hard)
Awwww shucks, Unc. I was in the middle
of Super Mario Brothers. Jeepers.
MARK HAMILL
Uh... we need someone that can decode
moisture something-or-others.
C3PO
Mmm, moisture. I am quite capable of
that.
MARK HAMILL
...right. Uncle, this one'll do. And
let's also get that other one.
UNCLE
Wow, it's a good thing you two droids
both happened to meet up again. And
it's pretty lucky that other droid
broke. And it's really damn lucky
you've been bought by someone who knows
Alec Guinness. And it's a really really
good thing he happens to be so closely
connected with Darth Vader.
C3PO
And what an amazing coincidence I was
actually built by Darth Vader.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Uh... that's not luck or coincidence.
It's the Force. Anything that seems
stupid is not stupid because of the
Force, understand?
CARRIE FISHER
Help me Alec Guinness, you're my only
hope.
MARK HAMILL
Whoa, she's ****ing hot. Hmm, I felt
kind of disgusted saying that.
ALEC GUINNESS
Heh, I know something you don't know.
Neener neener.
MARK HAMILL
What?
ALEC GUINNESS
Nothing. Let's go to a shady bar-type
place and hitch a ride to Alderaan.
HARRISON FORD
Hey, I can help, as long as I can do so
suavely. I am suave, you see. Let me
first go talk to Jabba the Hutt.
JABBA
Hey. I look ****ing ridiculous.
HARRISON FORD
Alright, let's go.
They go to Alderaan only to discover it has been converted
into a very large number of bright specks.
HARRISON FORD
Oh ****. I think we all collectively
have a bad feeling about all this.
INT. DEATH STAR
MARK, CHEWBACCA, HARRISON, ALEC, and the DROIDS are all
sneaking about.
ALEC GUINNESS
I must valiantly venture out to shut
off the tractor beam ****.
All the others run around and almost get CAUGHT but don't.
Then they find the princess and almost get CAUGHT but don't.
Then they almost get CAUGHT again but don't.
DARTH VADER
Alec! How's it going, old buddy? Still
banging that Amidala chick? No wait,
that was me...
ALEC GUINNESS
Oh blow me. God I hate this ****ing
movie.
They have a lightsaber battle until MARK arrives.
ALEC GUINNESS
Oh, good. Mark's here, I can die now.
He DIES. But not really, since his voice comes back
later and he himself appears repeatedly in the sequels.
INT. REBEL BASE
CARRIE FISHER
It's a good thing we got those plans.
We discovered that this thing was built
by a four year old ****** named Earl.
If we drop a bomb thingy into this big
hole on the outside, it'll actually
blow up the entire ship.
MARK HAMILL
Er...
CARRIE FISHER
That's right. The ENTIRE ship.
HARRISON FORD
It's not so outlandish. The X-wings
explode if you shoot them once.
EXT. SPACE
Everyone seems to be failing. It is all up to MARK.
ALEC GUINNESS
Don't use the targeting computer, Mark.
Use the Force!
MARK HAMILL
I see now. I am abandoning the
technological advancement in favor of
instincts and emotion. It is truly an
excellent metaphorical warning against
the overindustrialization of our
society. I see now that success does
not lie in our meaningless
technologies, but in our hearts, our
minds, and our feelings.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Yeah, don't worry, I drop that dumbass
message/theme bull**** in favor of
crass commercialism by the next movie.
END
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. A STARSHIP
CARRIE FISHER
I'm the princess. I am obviously not
wearing a bra. We are being abducted
by the evil empire, which is evil in
that the main bad guy is dressed all in
black.
DARTH VADER
That'd be me. Breaking into your
starship and killing your guards is
wizard. Yippee.
R2D2 and C3PO travel to another planet.
IMPERIAL GUARDS
There are no life forms, leave it
alone. I'm quite a moron, aren't I?
CARRIE FISHER
Now I will shoot exactly one
stormtrooper.
STORMTROOPER
There she is. Set for stun. She'll be
alright. Who the hell am I saying this
to, don't my colleagues know she'll be
alright?
DARTH VADER
Give me the plans to our DEATH STAR,
which is always written in capital
letters and is actually quite a stupid
name if you stop to think about it.
CARRIE FISHER
Why do you need them? Didn't you finish
building it? Ha ha!
DARTH VADER
That's not funny. Remember hon, Daddy
doesn't like it when you make fun of
him. Oops, I mean...er...uh...
CARRIE FISHER
Besides, why do you assume we only have
one copy? If they were beamed aboard
here, couldn't we just as easily beam
them elsewhere or make copies and send
them all over the place?
DARTH VADER
Take her away!
EXT. DESERT
C3PO and R2D2 have a really boring conversation in the
desert that slows the pace of the movie down to a crawl
and makes it almost intolerable.
R2D2
Blip blip.
C3PO
What? I don't know what you're talking
about! I'm not gay, just randomly
British! Very very very British...
R2D2
Blip!
C3PO
Don't call me that!
They are both captured and brought to MARK HAMILL and his
UNCLE.
UNCLE
Mark, come help me pick up some droids.
MARK HAMILL
(whining really hard)
Awwww shucks, Unc. I was in the middle
of Super Mario Brothers. Jeepers.
MARK HAMILL
Uh... we need someone that can decode
moisture something-or-others.
C3PO
Mmm, moisture. I am quite capable of
that.
MARK HAMILL
...right. Uncle, this one'll do. And
let's also get that other one.
UNCLE
Wow, it's a good thing you two droids
both happened to meet up again. And
it's pretty lucky that other droid
broke. And it's really damn lucky
you've been bought by someone who knows
Alec Guinness. And it's a really really
good thing he happens to be so closely
connected with Darth Vader.
C3PO
And what an amazing coincidence I was
actually built by Darth Vader.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Uh... that's not luck or coincidence.
It's the Force. Anything that seems
stupid is not stupid because of the
Force, understand?
CARRIE FISHER
Help me Alec Guinness, you're my only
hope.
MARK HAMILL
Whoa, she's ****ing hot. Hmm, I felt
kind of disgusted saying that.
ALEC GUINNESS
Heh, I know something you don't know.
Neener neener.
MARK HAMILL
What?
ALEC GUINNESS
Nothing. Let's go to a shady bar-type
place and hitch a ride to Alderaan.
HARRISON FORD
Hey, I can help, as long as I can do so
suavely. I am suave, you see. Let me
first go talk to Jabba the Hutt.
JABBA
Hey. I look ****ing ridiculous.
HARRISON FORD
Alright, let's go.
They go to Alderaan only to discover it has been converted
into a very large number of bright specks.
HARRISON FORD
Oh ****. I think we all collectively
have a bad feeling about all this.
INT. DEATH STAR
MARK, CHEWBACCA, HARRISON, ALEC, and the DROIDS are all
sneaking about.
ALEC GUINNESS
I must valiantly venture out to shut
off the tractor beam ****.
All the others run around and almost get CAUGHT but don't.
Then they find the princess and almost get CAUGHT but don't.
Then they almost get CAUGHT again but don't.
DARTH VADER
Alec! How's it going, old buddy? Still
banging that Amidala chick? No wait,
that was me...
ALEC GUINNESS
Oh blow me. God I hate this ****ing
movie.
They have a lightsaber battle until MARK arrives.
ALEC GUINNESS
Oh, good. Mark's here, I can die now.
He DIES. But not really, since his voice comes back
later and he himself appears repeatedly in the sequels.
INT. REBEL BASE
CARRIE FISHER
It's a good thing we got those plans.
We discovered that this thing was built
by a four year old ****** named Earl.
If we drop a bomb thingy into this big
hole on the outside, it'll actually
blow up the entire ship.
MARK HAMILL
Er...
CARRIE FISHER
That's right. The ENTIRE ship.
HARRISON FORD
It's not so outlandish. The X-wings
explode if you shoot them once.
EXT. SPACE
Everyone seems to be failing. It is all up to MARK.
ALEC GUINNESS
Don't use the targeting computer, Mark.
Use the Force!
MARK HAMILL
I see now. I am abandoning the
technological advancement in favor of
instincts and emotion. It is truly an
excellent metaphorical warning against
the overindustrialization of our
society. I see now that success does
not lie in our meaningless
technologies, but in our hearts, our
minds, and our feelings.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Yeah, don't worry, I drop that dumbass
message/theme bull**** in favor of
crass commercialism by the next movie.
END
