Society & Culture The BigFooty Guide to getting the woman of Your Desire (Part 7)

[Silent Alarm]

Three and a half years is a long time. At that point, things are going to be a bit dulled and banal and without kids or mortgages or experiences like that to go through together. Someone is going to end up resenting another. It sounds like you're married. Your mates are right. I think having a girlfriend before you're 21, 22 is pretty good – you learn a lot and it's a nice experience, but more than anything it teaches you that relationships are ultimately hard work and ultimately boring as s**t in the end. Boring, frustrating, and with all this emotional weight; angst, jealousy, protectiveness, and you don't have the infatuation and so of course you ask "why keep it going?"

I don't know, I think you've been there and experienced it all and it's a good thing, but everything is fleeting and everything in life is, essentially, also about enjoyment. Why hate something pointless that'll end inevitably anyway?

 

[Ahern2Boof]

Three and a half years is a long time. At that point, things are going to be a bit dulled and banal and without kids or mortgages or experiences like that to go through together. Someone is going to end up resenting another. It sounds like you're married. Your mates are right. I think having a girlfriend before you're 21, 22 is pretty good – you learn a lot and it's a nice experience, but more than anything it teaches you that relationships are ultimately hard work and ultimately boring as s**t in the end. Boring, frustrating, and with all this emotional weight; angst, jealousy, protectiveness, and you don't have the infatuation and so of course you ask "why keep it going?"

I don't know, I think you've been there and experienced it all and it's a good thing, but everything is fleeting and everything in life is, essentially, also about enjoyment. Why hate something pointless that'll end inevitably anyway?

Yeah, you've made some good points man. A lot of my friends tell me to dump her and i'll inevitably meet another girl who will be better for me and someone I deserve. But the fact is i'm not the best looking rooster and i'm pretty shy and don't know many people in Melbourne nor do I go out clubbing much, so how I would meet someone again is a small fear that comes into my head when thinking about the situation of breaking up. That sounds bad, but I hope you understand my rationale.

But my main worry is what will happen to her if we separate. She doesn't have a great network of support from friends (she only has a handful of friends - i'm her best friend) and i'm probably the only one she talks to about life issues that plague her from time to time. I don't want to take that away from her. I don't want her suffering. She cried her eyes out when I left with my friends to go clubbing, how is she going to be when I break up with her? Will she be able to cope at work and uni? Could she even get depressed? I know this sounds extremely over the top but that is a genuine concern for me.

 

[Shupe]

I hate to agree with SA, but I agree with SA.

 

[Shupe]

So much wrong with this that I feel like I need to be paid for my advice.

 

[Ahern2Boof]

So much wrong with this that I feel like I need to be paid for my advice.

1 cookie per sentence

 

[Shupe]

1 cookie per sentence

Having been in a relatively long relationship at a young age, I think the best thing you can do (right now) is break up. If she is so reliant on you for her own happiness, you are not doing her any favours by staying with her.

Not only that, but you sound completely unhappy. I think you know what you have to do, but you just don't want to do it. We've all been there.

 

[Ahern2Boof]

Having been in a relatively long relationship at a young age, I think the best thing you can do (right now) is break up. If she is so reliant on you for her own happiness, you are not doing her any favours by staying with her.

Not only that, but you sound completely unhappy. I think you know what you have to do, but you just don't want to do it. We've all been there.

Five cookies for you. And an extra one for it being good advice.

 

[Shupe]

Anyway, don't listen to a bunch of internet randoms. You know your own life better than us…

 

[Ahern2Boof]

Anyway, don't listen to a bunch of internet randoms. You know your own life better than us…

My friends know my life and they're all saying exactly the same thing you guys are saying.

Yes i'm unhappy at times, but I also wake up sometimes and think 'you know what, i'm happy with my relationship'. Usually that feeling is gone after a few hours, but still, once that fleeting feeling disappears forever, I think I'll know that it's time.

 

[getthefooty]

My friends know my life and they're all saying exactly the same thing you guys are saying.

Yes i'm unhappy at times, but I also wake up sometimes and think 'you know what, i'm happy with my relationship'. Usually that feeling is gone after a few hours, but still, once that fleeting feeling disappears forever, I think I'll know that it's time.

I definitely know how you feel, but the reasons you gave before aren't really reasons to keep seeing her. You'll be able to get another girl no worries. Back yourself in. Be excited about chatting to new girls, and * getting rejected, happens to everyone. As for worrying about her, it's empathetic and touching, but where does it end? Are you going to marry her just so she doesn't potentially go off the rails? At the end of the day, you have to look out for yourself, and at some point you'll have to cut ties. It's difficult of course, but once the hard part is over you'll feel like a free man.

 

[Ahern2Boof]

I definitely know how you feel, but the reasons you gave before aren't really reasons to keep seeing her. You'll be able to get another girl no worries. Back yourself in. Be excited about chatting to new girls, and **** getting rejected, happens to everyone. As for worrying about her, it's empathetic and touching, but where does it end? Are you going to marry her just so she doesn't potentially go off the rails? At the end of the day, you have to look out for yourself, and at some point you'll have to cut ties. It's difficult of course, but once the hard part is over you'll feel like a free man.

Cheers man, appreciate the advice, and good point.

I think another thing that scares me is this. I've been with her since I was 16. I'm now 20. The difference from being a 16 year old to being a 20 year old is stark. You mature so much in that time. You get a job, you get your licence, you move out of home. I haven't had someone in my life like her since I was 16. It honestly feels like two lifetimes ago that I was single. And I guess i'm just scared about what it's like to, effectively, be alone for the first time in years.

 

[Silent Alarm]

Yeah, you've made some good points man. A lot of my friends tell me to dump her and i'll inevitably meet another girl who will be better for me and someone I deserve. But the fact is i'm not the best looking rooster and i'm pretty shy and don't know many people in Melbourne nor do I go out clubbing much, so how I would meet someone again is a small fear that comes into my head when thinking about the situation of breaking up. That sounds bad, but I hope you understand my rationale.

But my main worry is what will happen to her if we separate. She doesn't have a great network of support from friends (she only has a handful of friends - i'm her best friend) and i'm probably the only one she talks to about life issues that plague her from time to time. I don't want to take that away from her. I don't want her suffering. She cried her eyes out when I left with my friends to go clubbing, how is she going to be when I break up with her? Will she be able to cope at work and uni? Could she even get depressed? I know this sounds extremely over the top but that is a genuine concern for me.

I know someone who had something really similar with the empathy and care for her. It is noble and a trait of inherent goodness. But you have to be realistic and realise that they are a person with 50 more years to live. How are you doing her any good by staying with her for the benefit of her? You are giving up your life for hers, too – two lives should never be lived for just the one. Everyone has issues and everyone has to mature and come to terms with them, they have to realise how to cope. Everyone does. It's nice you care about her, it's probably just too nice. It's normal to worry and be like that for someone you cared and do still care about, but it's not a good way to live.

And of course you're s**t scared of loneliness. No one wants to go from companionship, constant conversation, that eye-level discussion, and a lay whenever you want to nothing. But it's necessary. You can't go through a period of feeling restricted and low because you're scared of feeling worse. That's no life. Mountains wouldn't get climbed, countries never colonised, last-minute draft gambles never taken if people were scared of things coming out worse. That's way too negative.

And no one ever comes to an absolute, concrete end. I'm sure most retiring footballers wake up thinking they can play another year too sometimes, but then they just decide they truly can't. Those conflicting thoughts are normal. When you have decisions, you can give them a lifetime's thought and still have a speck and sunbeam of the opposite theory. That's normal too. Fleeting thoughts does not a good argument make.

You'll be fine. If you've conned one bird into digging you, you'll be able to con many more. Besides, who wants girlfriend after girlfriend anyway? Everyone knows those people and it's a lonely, depressing, s**t existence. Plus any fall-out is a life lesson in loneliness, caring too much about your footy team, and drinking yourself into a stupor on a Monday and calling her at 4am.

Plus long distance is always doomed to fail. Breaks up about 90% of these high school things and from experience, most people are retrospectively chuffed they called it off. But as said before – your life, man, your decision, and I honestly think you're happy to keep this going so it's up to you. Your life.

 

[Stratton_Gun]

I'm kinda using this as a thread to post my annoyances with my girlfriend, hope you don't mind BigFooty.

Was my birthday last week, and I organised a birthday drink sesh at the pub back home with all my mates that I have hardly seen this year due to moving to Melbourne. Anyway, girlfriend is very uptight and doesn't really let loose and have fun. She told me not to get too drunk because I 'had to' go watch her play netball the next day, which was a bit annoying that she'd made plans for me when I already had plans to be recovering from a hangover, but alas, I stored it away in my calender of events in my head. Anyway, one of my friends bought a bottle of vodka and some tequila and a few of us went out into the pub carpark to do some shots (classy as ****). We did five or six each, went back, girlfriend had apparently been looking everywhere for me, and once she was told I was in the carpark, immediately thought I was shooting up or similar. Now, she knows me, she's been dating me for three and a half years, and knows I would never go near drugs. So why she immediately thought the worst had me pretty annoyed and angry. And she didn't agree with me doing shots, saying it's stupid to intend to get shitfaced. Whatever.

Anyway, people started to head home, and a few of my friends decided to go out to one of the clubs near us, and asked me to come. I already had plans to go home with the missus (hadn't seen each other for about two weeks), but this was very tempting. I asked her if I could go, she said no, I asked again, she said no. A few of her friends who had also come told her to stop being a controlling bitch and let me go and have fun. She very hesitantly let me go, and made me promise not to drugs (again, WTF?) and be safe. The whole way to the club my friends were telling me that from what they'd seen on the night, they wouldn't last five minutes with her and are amazed I am still with her after three and a half years.

So yeah, bit going on in my head at the moment. Not sure if I really want to be with someone so against having a good time. Hmm.

Get rid of her
You're in the prime of your life so there's no need to be held back by some chick that wants to act like your Mum.

P.S Imo the North vs Bombers final will be on the Sunday

 

[Joker91]

got the number at a club, she offered it to me after we'd been macking on for a little while. i'm not super depserate but she's pretty cool. it's been 4 weeks as of thursday.

tell me i should just do it.

What's the worst that can happen? Just text her...

I'm confused as to why you waited so long though

 

[HirdyLannister]

I know someone who had something really similar with the empathy and care for her. It is noble and a trait of inherent goodness. But you have to be realistic and realise that they are a person with 50 more years to live. How are you doing her any good by staying with her for the benefit of her? You are giving up your life for hers, too – two lives should never be lived for just the one. Everyone has issues and everyone has to mature and come to terms with them, they have to realise how to cope. Everyone does. It's nice you care about her, it's probably just too nice. It's normal to worry and be like that for someone you cared and do still care about, but it's not a good way to live.

And of course you're s**t scared of loneliness. No one wants to go from companionship, constant conversation, that eye-level discussion, and a lay whenever you want to nothing. But it's necessary. You can't go through a period of feeling restricted and low because you're scared of feeling worse. That's no life. Mountains wouldn't get climbed, countries never colonised, last-minute draft gambles never taken if people were scared of things coming out worse. That's way too negative.

And no one ever comes to an absolute, concrete end. I'm sure most retiring footballers wake up thinking they can play another year too sometimes, but then they just decide they truly can't. Those conflicting thoughts are normal. When you have decisions, you can give them a lifetime's thought and still have a speck and sunbeam of the opposite theory. That's normal too. Fleeting thoughts does not a good argument make.

You'll be fine. If you've conned one bird into digging you, you'll be able to con many more. Besides, who wants girlfriend after girlfriend anyway? Everyone knows those people and it's a lonely, depressing, s**t existence. Plus any fall-out is a life lesson in loneliness, caring too much about your footy team, and drinking yourself into a stupor on a Monday and calling her at 4am.

Plus long distance is always doomed to fail. Breaks up about 90% of these high school things and from experience, most people are retrospectively chuffed they called it off. But as said before – your life, man, your decision, and I honestly think you're happy to keep this going so it's up to you. Your life.

Relationship POTY!
"two lives should never be lived for just the one"
Deep man, that cut straight to my soul.

 

[Gough]

Take out a contract on her life, have her sleep with the fishes Luca Brasi style.

 

[HBF]

Cheers man, appreciate the advice, and good point.

I think another thing that scares me is this. I've been with her since I was 16. I'm now 20. The difference from being a 16 year old to being a 20 year old is stark. You mature so much in that time. You get a job, you get your licence, you move out of home. I haven't had someone in my life like her since I was 16. It honestly feels like two lifetimes ago that I was single. And I guess i'm just scared about what it's like to, effectively, be alone for the first time in years.

My relationship ended with my partner earlier this year after 10.5 years together. Me being 40 and single was pretty scary at the time, but I have since met someone who is much younger than me, and I haven't been this happy in a long long time. Don't be afraid to make a tough decision. You deserve to be happy (like everyone else) so go out there and find someone who makes you happy.

 

[HirdyLannister]

My relationship ended with my partner earlier this year after 10.5 years together. Me being 40 and single was pretty scary at the time, but I have since met someone who is much younger than me, and I haven't been this happy in a long long time. Don't be afraid to make a tough decision. You deserve to be happy (like everyone else) so go out there and find someone who makes you happy.

Subtle brag.

 

[JD11]

Subtle brag.

this lame joke gets less funny every time you post it.

 

[HirdyLannister]

this lame joke gets less funny every time you post it.

 

[Jimmy1992]

Spitta2Azza have a mate who is in a very similar situation, however his missus isn't quite ad demanding, but everything else you have mentioned is spot on.
His mate gave him a ripping piece of advice, along the lines of Silent Alarm's. He said "No one is ultimately responsible for another person's happiness" Despite the fact that she may be upset (naturally) at the start, or what not, in the end, you shouldn't have to deal with the burden of being someone else's entire life. She will move on, and she will be happy again.

 

[Silent Alarm]

Spitta2Azza have a mate who is in a very similar situation, however his missus isn't quite ad demanding, but everything else you have mentioned is spot on.
His mate gave him a ripping piece of advice, along the lines of Silent Alarm's. He said "No one is ultimately responsible for another person's happiness" Despite the fact that she may be upset (naturally) at the start, or what not, in the end, you shouldn't have to deal with the burden of being someone else's entire life. She will move on, and she will be happy again.

I have a mate in the same position, same advice, it's a pretty natural thing.

From my observations, it seems chicks hold onto those feelings way longer than blokes. It might take a while for them to feel the same but once they do, a girl seemingly will always care for it for longer?

 

[Run n Spread]

Three and a half years is a long time. At that point, things are going to be a bit dulled and banal and without kids or mortgages or experiences like that to go through together. Someone is going to end up resenting another. It sounds like you're married. Your mates are right. I think having a girlfriend before you're 21, 22 is pretty good – you learn a lot and it's a nice experience, but more than anything it teaches you that relationships are ultimately hard work and ultimately boring as s**t in the end. Boring, frustrating, and with all this emotional weight; angst, jealousy, protectiveness, and you don't have the infatuation and so of course you ask "why keep it going?"

I don't know, I think you've been there and experienced it all and it's a good thing, but everything is fleeting and everything in life is, essentially, also about enjoyment. Why hate something pointless that'll end inevitably anyway?

I don't know, a lot of the bolded tends to come from insecurity and fear. I don't see why a strong relationship should be less enjoyable over time. If anything it should be more enjoyable as you get to know someone over time. Problem is people tend to want to place others in pigeon holes/follow some weird relationship template dictated by others instead of letting things flow naturally and working out what is best for them.

 

[Howard Littlejohn]

Oh yeah, that reminds me.

Her netball grand final is next Saturday (not the one coming). She plays in a prelim this weekend, and should win. North also look likely to play their final against Essendon on the Saturday. The MCG and the venue of netball final are about 350km apart, so can only attend one. Asked her if she was going to make me choose, and she goes 'you shouldn't have to choose'.

Then yesterday she text me and asked what day I plan on coming home if she makes the grand final. I reminded her that North will be playing in a final that day. Her response? 'Oh you can check the scores on your phone if you want'

That's nice of her, to offer to text you the netball scores while you're at the footy. Her coach and team mates might not be happy though.

 

[Jimmy1992]

In the end, he should not have to make his decision based on how she might react. No one should have to be in the position of trying to keep someone happy over themselves. That's not fair. You should not have to deal with the responsibility of feeling like someone's sole source of happiness. That is a massive burden.