Lame Jokes Part 2

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

We don't serve your kind here." The bar-tender said. A faster than light Neutrino walks into a bar...

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

What sort of guns do bees use ?

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

"We don't serve your kind in here", the bartender said.
A time traveller walks into a bar.

 

[4evablues]

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?​

Because he was a little shellfish!!!

 

[worbod]

What did Franco Cozzo say when he stepped in some wet cement?

"Foot is grey."

 

[Bomber32]

The Coast Guard received a mayday message, "Help! We're in the water!"

"Capsize?" the radio operator asked.

After a long silence, the voice answered, "Six and seven-eights."

 

[Bomber32]

Why don't matches play baseball?

One strike, and they're out.

 

[Bomber32]

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

 

[Bomber32]

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?"

Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man."

Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives."

Harvey says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

 

[Bomber32]

As heard in the courtroom (part 1):

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what way does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

 

[Bomber32]

And then there was the movie about this guy who lost his pocket protector, acne cream, and internet girlfriend in one day.

It was a real Geek Tragedy.

 

[Bomber32]

My mate has just opened a delicatessen in Jerusalem. He has called it Cheeses of Nazareth.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

We don't serve your time in here", the bartender said.

A guy from the future walks into a bar.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Under SOPA/PIPA rules, if you illegally download a Michael Jackson song, you'll get 4 years more than his doctor did for supposedly killing him.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was in tents!

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Have you heard about the new way to camp? It's intense ---- in tents

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

We bought a DVD last night, it was so blurry I had to watch it with one eye closed... It must be a pirate.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

We bought a DVD last night, it was so blurry I had to watch it with one eye closed... It must be a pirate.

Was it patchy?

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

They laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! -- Bob Monkhouse

 

[Damp Squarie]

Now on sale at KMart: Lesbian Beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove....

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...

I was sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69...

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

 

[Quadzilla]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin' hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin' sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a fookin' clock!"