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Bar Jokes...

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Zeke

Zeke

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Having read a recent thread...I would like to start a thread that is devoted to jokes which start with the familiar:

"A ______ walked into a bar..." etc

They're good fun, and I couldn't be bothered reading through the whole jokes thread to see if there wer eany in there.
 
Originally posted by Zeke
Having read a recent thread...I would like to start a thread that is devoted to jokes which start with the familiar:

"A ______ walked into a bar..." etc

They're good fun, and I couldn't be bothered reading through the whole jokes thread to see if there wer eany in there.
Click to expand...

Two mushrooms walk into a bar and order a couple of beers...

The bartender tells them "sorry lads, we don't serve your kind in here"...

So the mushrooms reply "why not? we're fungais!"
 

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Damn I love this one :

A short, well-dressed, and obviously gay man walks into bar. It is tiny, deserted and at the end of it is a huge bloke from Footscray - 6ft 5 and 17 stone. He's having a few beers when the gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Footscray-ite. Leaning over towards the big fella he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"

At this, the massive Footscray-ite leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure", the big Footscray-ite replies, "something about a job".

:D
 
One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little **** head slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.'

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,

'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

To which, the drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.'






Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.

So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a ******."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a ****** and he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn."

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite ******!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch this."

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
 
A haggard-looking bloke struggles into into a bar with an intravenous drip on a trolley attached to him, and orders the most expensive cocktail available. Probably runs into the 100s of $. While he doesn't look too flush, the barman decides to have faith in this battler, and serves the drink.

He looks at the drink, take a deep breath, and then chuggs half the cocktail.

He then says to the barman.

"You know, I really shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."

"Really?" Says the barman. "What have you got?"

"Twenty cents."
 
A farmer walks into a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched *****," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.
 
A man walks into a bar and asks for an apple pie and a beer. The barman looks at him curiously, gives him the pie and beer, and the man squashes the pie and pours the beer over his own head.

The next day, the same man walks in and again asks for an apple pie and a beer. The barman does as he wishes, and again the man puts the pie and beer on his head.

The man continues this for a number of days. The barman is getting quite confused about what is going on, so the next time the man walks in and asks for a pie and beer, the barman says 'sorry, we're all out.' So the man says, 'Do you have any chips?' and the barman says 'Sure,' and hands the man the chips, who proceeds to pour the chips over his head.

The barman, more confused than ever, looks at the man and says, 'Excuse me, but why did you do that?'

The man replies: 'Because you didn't have any damn apple pies!!!'

---
A duck waddles into a bar, sits down on a stool, and says to the bartender, "Got any crackers?"

The bartender replies, "This is a bar. We don't serve crackers, we serve drinks. Please leave!" So the duck walks out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the bar, hops on a stool, looks at the bartender and asks, "Got any crackers?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve crackers here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day the duck waddles into the bar, hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any crackers?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you yesterday, and I told you the day before, this is a bar! We don't serve crackers, we serve drinks! If you ask me one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! Now GET OUT!"

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the duck waddled into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks at the bartender and says "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, says, "No."

The duck then looks at the bartender and says, "Got any crackers?"
 
This guy walks into a bar. As he walks up to the bar he notices a 12-inch man playing the piano, so he asks the bartender, "What's that all about?" The bartender says he will tell him later.

Then he asks the bartender for a drink, and the bartender then says, "Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic Beer bottle and make a wish."

"Ok," says the guy. He goes to the bottle and rubs it. BOOM! Out comes a genie, who then says, "You have one wish."

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and the genie disappears. Suddenly the man is sitting there with a million ducks all around him. He turns to the bartender and says, "Hey, I didn't want a million ducks!"

And the bartender replies, "You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"
 
A bloke walks into a pub and notices that they have a pianist. Interestingly enough, the pianist also has a pet monkey who sits on top of the piano. Anyway the bloke orders a beer and sits down to listen to the act when the monkey leaps of the piano onto his table and drops its nads in the bloke's drink. Obviously angry he goes up to the pianist and says "Do you know you're monkey is washing its nuts in my drink?" to which the pianist replies "No but hum a few bars and I'm sure I'll get the gist of it"

A blind bloke walks into a pub and suddenly starts swinging is guide dog by its leach above his head. The publican horrified screams out "What the hell are you doing?" to which the blind man replies "I'm just having a look around"
 

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A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve your kind in here".

So the string goes out side, does a little loop in his stomach and messes up his hair. He then walks back into the bar.

The bartender sees him walk in again and says "Aren't you that piece of string I told to get out a few minutes ago?"

The string replies "No, I'm a frayed knott."
 
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
 
A guy walks into a bar and says "I'll have ten whiskies thanks." The barman pours the shots and watches the guy down them one after the other. The barman says "S***, what's going on mate?" to which the guy replies "I just had my first blow job". The barman says, "Ah, so you're celebrating", and the guy says "Nah, I'm trying to get the f***ing taste out of my mouth".
 

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Two hydrogen atoms are sitting in a bar. One says "I think I've lost me electron." The other asks "Are you sure?". The first says "Yup, I'm positive."
 
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first vampire says to the barman "I'll have a glass of blood thanks". The barman pours him a glass of blood. The second vampire says to the barman "I'll have a glass of blood thanks" and the barman pours him a glass of blood. The barman asks the third vampire if he'd like a glass of blood as well, to which the vampire replies "No thanks, just a cup of boiling water for me". The barman is surprised, and as he hands over the cup of boiling water he says to the vampire "Listen mate, your friends are both on the blood, how come you're only drinking hot water?" The vampire pulls a tampon out of his pocket and says "I'm having a cup of tea."
 
Oh, thats terrible.

A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says," I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well" says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink too. "The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.

The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint.", says the man. "Same for me.", says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half..."But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well", says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't fookin' payin'!" The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "that'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket.

As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"

"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?" "Well, I wished that whenever I need to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there"

"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir...err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"

The man looks glum."Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
 

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Bar Jokes...

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