BBQ Rules

[ICanDressMyself]

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important
to
refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking
activity
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of
events
are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and
makes
dessert .
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray

along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -
beer
in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter
exclusion
zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding
activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking

great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat .

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE
WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils,
napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking
efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
there's just no pleasing some women...

 

[Lance Uppercut]

 

[Dean3]

 

[coxon]

seen this around... funny stuff... 'the tongmaster'....

Griff was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at
the barbecue; three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer,
staring at sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never
leaving them alone.

We didn't know why we were at the barbecue; we were just drawn there
like moths to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational
force, a man-magnet. Joel said the thin ones could use a turn, I said
yeah I reckon the thin ones could use a turn, Griff said yeah they
really need a turn it was a unanimous turning decision.
Griff was the Tong-Master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice
snaps of his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding,
teasing, and with an elegant flick of his wrist, rolling them onto
their little backs. A lesser tong-man would've flicked too hard; the
sausages would've gone full circle, back to where they started. Nice,
I said. The others went yeah.

Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren-song- sizzle of the snags,
the barbecue was calling, beckoning, Kevinnnnn ....come. He stuck his
head in and said any room? We said yeah and began the barbecue shuffle;
Griff shuffled to the left, Joel shuffled to the left, I shuffled to the
left, Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped our beer.

Now there were four of us staring at sausages, and Griff gave me the
nod, my cue. I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw
sausages out of the plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too
close together, not too far apart, curl them into each other's bodies
like lovers -fat ones, thin ones, herbed and continental. The chipolatas
were tiny, they could easily slip down between the grill, falling into
the molten hot-bead-netherworld below. Carefully I laid them sideways
ACROSS the grill, clever thinking.

Griff snapped his tongs with approval; there was no greater barbecue
honour. P.J. came along, he said looking good, looking good -the
irresistible lure of the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said yeah
and did the shuffle, left, left, left, left, he slipped in beside
Kevin, we sipped our beer.

Five men, lots of sausages.

Joel was the Fork-pronger; he had the fork that pronged the tough
hides of the Bavarian bratwursts and he showed a lot of promise.
Stabbing away eagerly, leaving perfect little vampire holes up and
down the casing.

P.J. was shaking his head, he said I reckon they cook better if you
don't poke them. There was a long silence, you could have heard a
chipolata drop, and this newcomer was a rabble-rouser, bringing in his
crazy ideas from outside. He didn't understand the hierarchy; First
the Tong-master, then the Sausage - layer, then the Fork-pronger - and
everyone below was just a watcher. Maybe eventually they'll move up
the ladder, but for now - don't rock the Weber.

Dianne popped her head in; hmmm, smells good, she said. She was trying
to jostle into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down
and our shoulders in, mumbling yeah yeah yeah, but making no room for
her. She was keen, going round to the far side of the barbecue,
heading for the only available space .. . . the gap in the circle
where all the smoke and ashes blew. Nobody could survive the gap;
Dianne was going to try. She stood there stubbornly, smoke blinding
her eyes, ashes filling her nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over
her arms and face. Until she couldn't take it anymore, she gave up,
backed off.

Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our
beer, yeah. Griff handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded.
I knew what was happening, I'd waited a long time for this moment -
the abdication.

The tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip - was I ready for
the responsibility? Yes, I was. I held them up high and they glinted
in the sun. Don't forget to turn the thin ones Griff said as he walked
away from the barbecue, disappearing toward the house. Yeah I
called back, I will, I will.

I snapped them twice, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing,
and with an elegant flick of my wrist, rolling them back onto their
little bellies. I was a natural, I was the TONG-MASTER.

But only until Griff got back from the dunny.

 

[DeadlyAkkuret]

Coxon that is GOLD! i was laughing til it hurt lol. I'm sending it to my dad right now

 

[nathansb]

That was indeed hilarious. Could be a great script for a comedy skit.

 

[RoosterLad]

Hahah nice one. I reckon I saw something similar in a short movie on SBS between shows? It was great watching.

I had my first barbie of the season last night because a good mate got back from a 12 month world tour so we had a few snags, hamburgers and of course beer.

 

[retroparty]

Great stuff coxon.

 

[kimirocks]

Funny stuff.

I only have 1 rule about BBQ's.

I cook. As a result, the beer is hand delivered to my hand, and I get sampling rights to all produce.

 

[Ricketts]

Hahah nice one. I reckon I saw something similar in a short movie on SBS between shows? It was great watching.

Ah yeah i think i saw the same one, ages ago, was Mike Goldman in it?

 

[demonfan9]

I had my first barbie of the season last night because a good mate got back from a 12 month world tour so we had a few snags, hamburgers and of course beer.

Awesome. Gotta love this time of year, it is so exciting. I think the first BBQ of the summer (or spring in this case) should never be taken lightly. It could set the tone for the rest of the BBQing season.