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I bought a vegan friend of mine a cookbook. Said he couldn't accept it coz it was leather bound. What he really meant is he didn't have the strength to lift it.
 

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My doctor told me that to lose weight I shouldn't eat anything fatty. I said do you mean like chips, bacon, lollies, ice cream? He said I just mean don't eat anything, fatty.
 

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A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The barman angrily said we don’t serve your type here, now get out before I nail your beak to the bar.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and orders a beer.

The barman says I told you to get out before I nail your beak to the bar.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the barman if he has any nails.

No says the barman.

Thats great says the duck, can I have a beer please?
 

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