Dad jokes - add yours

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[big_e]

True story this one, I swear.

We had a new air conditioner installed on Friday. My 6yo said to the installer "aren't you going to put in the air shampoo first?"

 

[Lomas]

Atheism is a no prophet organization

 

[gokangas]

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He's fine now.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He's fine now.

My mate got a job as an apprentice butcher. Soon afterwards, he began talking about his obsession to have a sexual encounter with the sausage grinder!







Eventually, after a few weeks we spoke about it again. When I asked him what happened he told me that he took her on a couple of dates, bought her dinner and eventually it worked out. They were going steady by then.

 

[Orange Peanut]

 

[krakouers]

 

[gokangas]

I just saw an advert on gumtree - radio, stuck on full volume, $5. I thought geez, I can't turn that down!

 

[gokangas]

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that any more.

 

[gokangas]

Went to a bar last night and the bloke in front of me had his ear pierced on the spot. I am so s**t at darts.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

When I'm bored I walk around the local hospital coridors wearing a stethoscope.

When there is an emergency, it teaches people a great lesson about making assumptions.

 

[Orange Peanut]

Reminds me of one I heard when I worked in a hospital

What's 12 inches long and dangles from an a-hole?
A stethoscope

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

Reminds me of one I heard when I worked in a hospital

What's 12 inches long and dangles from an a-hole?
A stethoscope

Reminds me of when I worked at a certain company.

Q: What's dirty, smelly and hangs 4 inches below an engineer's crotch?

A: The end of his tie.

 

[gokangas]

My wife has left me because I'm too insecure.
No, wait she's back... She was just making a cup of tea.

 

[gokangas]

I'm taking the wine cask back to Dan Murphys. Says on the cask when opened it will last 90 days. It only lasted 8 days.

 

[fnarr fnarr]

Got pulled over by the highway patrol the other day. Was doing 140 in a 60 zone. Officer asked " any reason you were going so fast?". I said "yeah, 10 years ago my mrs left me and ran off with a copper... I saw the sirens in the rear-view and thought you were trying to give her back!"

 

[ferball]

Good eyesight there, seeing the sirens.

 

[fnarr fnarr]

Good eyesight there, seeing the sirens.

Well I was pissed, so ya know what I mean

 

[BLUEALLTHRU]

Well I was pissed, so ya know what I mean

Yep me and my Dad have been there, I just drink his piss now.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

With all this stuff going on in Russia, people have been making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[gokangas]

Old codger walks into the audiologist.
I can't hear in my left ear.
Audiologist takes a look.
Well, you have a suppository in your ear, he says.
Ok, says old codger. Now I know where my hearing aid is.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[Gumble Frankieton]

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He's fine now.

Speaking of grinders: