Dad jokes - add yours

[Gimmeafree]

One for Gen X / Boomers

People always made fun of my early balding. Said I suffered from premature Kojakulation.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[gokangas]

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

 

[gokangas]

Fat people are lucky. They get to eat whatever they want and don’t have to worry about getting fat.

 

[gokangas]

The inventor of autocorrect died. His funnel will be held tomato.

 

[gokangas]

I haven't been well lately. Very tired, short tempered, cranky, impatient and generally hard to get along with. I googled my symptoms. Apparently I have kids.

 

[big_e]

Did you hear how fast the capital of Ireland is growing?

It's Dublin.

 

[Roogal]

In Barbados the cost of a slice of Blueberry Pie is $1.50, while in Jamaica the cost of the same size slice of Blueberry Pie is $2.00. In the Bahamas an equivalent piece of Blueberry Pie will set you back $1.70.

These are understood to be the Pie-rates of the Caribbean.

 

[Roogal]

Fact of the day ... Did you all know that there are no canaries on the Canary Islands?

As for the Virgin Islands ...

That there are no canaries there either.

 

[Roogal]

And a couple of funny images: The second cartoon you probably have to be over 30 to understand



Below: The court umpire after a Nick Kyrgios game ...

 

[gokangas]

I hate it when you compliment a friend on the quality of their moustache and then she won't speak to you anymore.

 

[Bertie22]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

 

[Bertie22]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from? ‘The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother... because I still have mine.'

 

[Roogal]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

That is probably why the Collingwood FC Social Club never holds murder mystery nights

 

[Gimmeafree]

What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

 

[Gimmeafree]

How do you pick up the best looking girl on Farmer Wants a Wife ? A tractor.

 

[Gimmeafree]

My wife asked me to stop singing ‘Wonderwall’ to her. I said maybe…

 

[krakouers]

 

[Gimmeafree]

How do Hipsters burn their tongues ? By Drinking coffee before it’s cool.

 

[Gimmeafree]

What do sprinters eat before racing ? Nothing, they fast.

 

[krakouers]

Apologies but had to, from Mrs Krak:

 

[gokangas]

A man was admitted to hospital today where Xrays discovered he had 22 plastic horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.

 

[fnarr fnarr]

Two Jamaicans (important for the accent) rock up at a fancy dress party, "Come dressed as your favourite emotion" said the invite.
They knock on the door, and the hostess answers. One fellow is naked but has his old fella in a bowl of custard, and his mate is also starkers but has his todger packed into a pear.
Hostess is in disbelief and asks WTF is going on "you're supposed to come dressed as an emotion"... the first guest answers, "well, aaah.. I am f*ckin discustard, and my friend here has come in dis pear".

 

[Roogal]

Q. What was the name of the Swagman in Waltzing Matilda?

A. Andy.

Andy sang, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled ...

 

[roomagic1984]

How can you tell the difference between a girl ant and a boy ant?

Put the ant in water.

If it sinks it's girl-ant
If it floats it's buoy-ant




I'll see myself out..