Dad jokes - add yours

[Falconista]

Did you hear how Police solved the crime spree involving Dalmatians?
...
...
They connected the dots.

 

[fnarr fnarr]

Gotta admit I pinched this off Twitter as soon as I saw it.

 

[gokangas]

My wife thinks I have a nine inch penis - just realised she can't read a ruler.

 

[Samsquanch]

My wife thinks I have a nine inch penis - just realised she can't read a ruler.

Centimetres?

 

[gokangas]

Centimetres?

3" - reading it backwards.

 

[Bertie22]

If you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

 

[kool kangas]

 

[andana]

An electrician comes home late.

Wife, Why are you insulate?

Electrician, Watts it to you. I'm ohm aren't I.

 

[Bertie22]

What is a bulldozer?

Someone who sleeps through political speeches!

 

[Bertie22]

Man climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, man asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A minute."
Man asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A penny."
Man asked, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replied, "In a minute."

 

[Samsquanch]

Many years ago, Kinky Friedman wrote that he was passing a church in San Antonio, Texas. There in the courtyard was a large statue of Jesus, and praying to the statue was a wealthy Texas rancher. These are the words he heard him say,

"Jesus! Please help me! My Cadillacs are all in the shop. My oil wells have run dry. My cattle got the blight. The Internal Revenue Service is after me..." And so forth.

This man had a litany of problems. Suddenly he hears a noise on the other side of the statue. It bothers him that his prayers were being interrupted.

He gets up and he walks around. There's a small Mexican man, down on his knees, praying to the same statue of Jesus. And the Mexican is saying,

"Jesus, please help me. My wife is pregnant. We already have twelve children. I've just lost my job. Now we're going to lose the house. Now I learn that my wife is sick. I don't know what I'm going to do."

So the wealthy Texas rancher gets up, and he takes out his billfold, and he takes a hundred dollar bill out of his billfold, and he hands it across to the little Mexican. And he says,

"Hey you! Listen to me. Take this and bugger off. And don't be bothering Jesus with that shit."

 

[big_e]

Is the gym in Parliament House called the House of Reps?

 

[fnarr fnarr]

What do you call a woman who has a lot of boats?

Marina.

 

[Bertie22]

A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

 

[gokangas]

 

[Bertie22]

View attachment 1546063

Ain't it the truth??? Oh dear.

 

[andana]

View attachment 1546063

 

[Samsquanch]

Very enterprising.

 

[ferball]

Jokes on him, they're all laced with acid.

 

[Samsquanch]

 

[big_e]

View attachment 1546063

My daughter has a peanut allergy. We just tell her to take whatever but don't eat it until you get home.

 

[Nate7]

My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. The librarian told me to take it out.

 

[Roogal]

Not so much of a joke but a bit of timely pre-Christmas advice.

If you're looking to save some money this Christmas, then now might be the time to break it to the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.

 

[Lomas]

Not so much of a joke but a bit of timely pre-Christmas advice.

If you're looking to save some money this Christmas, then now might be the time to break it to the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.

And here I was thinking he went down with the flue.

 

[krakouers]

Don’t blame anybody for the road you’re on.

It’s your own asphalt