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Dad jokes - add yours

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Luke72 said:
How do you know when a clown farts?

It smells funny.
Click to expand...
Two cannibals were eating a clown - one looked at the other and said - does this taste funny to you?
 
Two penises walk into a bar. The bartender says "You've got a lot of balls coming in here".
 
Disclaimer- not a dad joke but most appropriate thread.

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.


In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to learn how to play the guitar, but the issue is, I'm a horse. Can you help me?"
The music teacher says, "Not a problem, I've taught many animals to play instruments before, this'll be nothing."


After months of practice, the Horse gets really good at guitar.


Horse soon realizes that the music video had 4 people in it, and to recreate it, he would need help from his friends.

So he calls up his friend Duck and says, "Duck, I saw this really cool music video on line that I want to recreate. I learned how to play guitar and I want you to learn the keyboard."


Sure enough, Duck gets the contact information from Horse of the man who taught him to play guitar and calls him up.


"Hi, I heard that you taught my friend Horse how to play guitar, and I was wondering if you could teach me how to play keyboard? There's an issue though, I'm a duck."


The man replies "Sure! I taught Horse to play guitar, surely I can teach you how to play keyboard."


After a few more months of lessons and practicing, Horse and Duck are really good at guitar and keyboard.


Remembering that they needed 4 people, they called up their friend Cat.

"Hey cat, we need more people to recreate this music video and we want you to learn how to play drums," so Cat calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn drums, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and I'm a cat. Can you help?"


The teacher says, "Sure! I can teach any animal to play any instrument.


As figured, the three animals are practicing and taking lessons and they all get very good at their instruments.


Finally, they realized they needed a fourth person for their band, so they call their friend pig and give him the rundown.


Horse calls him and says, "Pig look, the three of us can all play the guitar, drums, and keyboard, now we just need you to play bass," so of course, pig calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn how to play the bass, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and Cat to play the drums, and I'm a pig. Can you help?"

"Of course!," he says. "I can teach any animal to play any instrument.


It's been around a year at this point, and the animals are finally ready to recreate the music video.


Horse sets up the recording equipment at his house, and they successfully recreate the music video and upload it to the internet, and it is a HUGE hit.


After millions of views on their now viral music video, they get a call from a talent agency. They schedule a meeting, and at the meeting, the manager says, "Guys look, you're 4 animals who can all play instruments and sing, you are obviously very intelligent and we want to send you on tour."


The animals are ecstatic, and accept the offer.

After just a few short months of the 4 animals being on tour, they are very popular.


One day, while on tour, Horse gets a phone call from the manager.


"Horse, look. We just received word that your grandmother is in the hospital dying and we think it'd be best if you flew back home to see her." Horse regretfully obliges and has his understudy fill in for him while he's gone.


Horse gets to the hospital back home to find that his beloved grandmother is already dead, with no known final words or will.


Horse is devastated, after flying back all that way for her to just be dead.


Horse has been sitting in the hospital for a couple hours at this point, trying to help as he can with the issue at hand. In the middle of the chaos, Horse gets another phone call from his manager.


"Horse, look. I heard that your grandmother just died and I'm very sorry, but I have more tragic news. The tour bus with all of your friends, roadies, and understudies has flipped and no one survived. I'm very sorry."


Horse is obviously in hysterics at this point, and is on the verge of going mad. After he calms down, and some time passes, horse decides to head to a local club to take his mind off of things.


The horse walks into the club, walks up to the bar, and the bartender says, "Hey Horse, why the long face?"
 

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Tectonic said:
Disclaimer- not a dad joke but most appropriate thread.

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.


In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to learn how to play the guitar, but the issue is, I'm a horse. Can you help me?"
The music teacher says, "Not a problem, I've taught many animals to play instruments before, this'll be nothing."


After months of practice, the Horse gets really good at guitar.


Horse soon realizes that the music video had 4 people in it, and to recreate it, he would need help from his friends.

So he calls up his friend Duck and says, "Duck, I saw this really cool music video on line that I want to recreate. I learned how to play guitar and I want you to learn the keyboard."


Sure enough, Duck gets the contact information from Horse of the man who taught him to play guitar and calls him up.


"Hi, I heard that you taught my friend Horse how to play guitar, and I was wondering if you could teach me how to play keyboard? There's an issue though, I'm a duck."


The man replies "Sure! I taught Horse to play guitar, surely I can teach you how to play keyboard."


After a few more months of lessons and practicing, Horse and Duck are really good at guitar and keyboard.


Remembering that they needed 4 people, they called up their friend Cat.

"Hey cat, we need more people to recreate this music video and we want you to learn how to play drums," so Cat calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn drums, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and I'm a cat. Can you help?"


The teacher says, "Sure! I can teach any animal to play any instrument.


As figured, the three animals are practicing and taking lessons and they all get very good at their instruments.


Finally, they realized they needed a fourth person for their band, so they call their friend pig and give him the rundown.


Horse calls him and says, "Pig look, the three of us can all play the guitar, drums, and keyboard, now we just need you to play bass," so of course, pig calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn how to play the bass, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and Cat to play the drums, and I'm a pig. Can you help?"

"Of course!," he says. "I can teach any animal to play any instrument.


It's been around a year at this point, and the animals are finally ready to recreate the music video.


Horse sets up the recording equipment at his house, and they successfully recreate the music video and upload it to the internet, and it is a HUGE hit.


After millions of views on their now viral music video, they get a call from a talent agency. They schedule a meeting, and at the meeting, the manager says, "Guys look, you're 4 animals who can all play instruments and sing, you are obviously very intelligent and we want to send you on tour."


The animals are ecstatic, and accept the offer.

After just a few short months of the 4 animals being on tour, they are very popular.


One day, while on tour, Horse gets a phone call from the manager.


"Horse, look. We just received word that your grandmother is in the hospital dying and we think it'd be best if you flew back home to see her." Horse regretfully obliges and has his understudy fill in for him while he's gone.


Horse gets to the hospital back home to find that his beloved grandmother is already dead, with no known final words or will.


Horse is devastated, after flying back all that way for her to just be dead.


Horse has been sitting in the hospital for a couple hours at this point, trying to help as he can with the issue at hand. In the middle of the chaos, Horse gets another phone call from his manager.


"Horse, look. I heard that your grandmother just died and I'm very sorry, but I have more tragic news. The tour bus with all of your friends, roadies, and understudies has flipped and no one survived. I'm very sorry."


Horse is obviously in hysterics at this point, and is on the verge of going mad. After he calms down, and some time passes, horse decides to head to a local club to take his mind off of things.


The horse walks into the club, walks up to the bar, and the bartender says, "Hey Horse, why the long face?"
Click to expand...
I mean this in the nicest way possible, **** you.
 
Tectonic said:
Disclaimer- not a dad joke but most appropriate thread.

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.


In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to learn how to play the guitar, but the issue is, I'm a horse. Can you help me?"
The music teacher says, "Not a problem, I've taught many animals to play instruments before, this'll be nothing."


After months of practice, the Horse gets really good at guitar.


Horse soon realizes that the music video had 4 people in it, and to recreate it, he would need help from his friends.

So he calls up his friend Duck and says, "Duck, I saw this really cool music video on line that I want to recreate. I learned how to play guitar and I want you to learn the keyboard."


Sure enough, Duck gets the contact information from Horse of the man who taught him to play guitar and calls him up.


"Hi, I heard that you taught my friend Horse how to play guitar, and I was wondering if you could teach me how to play keyboard? There's an issue though, I'm a duck."


The man replies "Sure! I taught Horse to play guitar, surely I can teach you how to play keyboard."


After a few more months of lessons and practicing, Horse and Duck are really good at guitar and keyboard.


Remembering that they needed 4 people, they called up their friend Cat.

"Hey cat, we need more people to recreate this music video and we want you to learn how to play drums," so Cat calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn drums, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and I'm a cat. Can you help?"


The teacher says, "Sure! I can teach any animal to play any instrument.


As figured, the three animals are practicing and taking lessons and they all get very good at their instruments.


Finally, they realized they needed a fourth person for their band, so they call their friend pig and give him the rundown.


Horse calls him and says, "Pig look, the three of us can all play the guitar, drums, and keyboard, now we just need you to play bass," so of course, pig calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn how to play the bass, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and Cat to play the drums, and I'm a pig. Can you help?"

"Of course!," he says. "I can teach any animal to play any instrument.


It's been around a year at this point, and the animals are finally ready to recreate the music video.


Horse sets up the recording equipment at his house, and they successfully recreate the music video and upload it to the internet, and it is a HUGE hit.


After millions of views on their now viral music video, they get a call from a talent agency. They schedule a meeting, and at the meeting, the manager says, "Guys look, you're 4 animals who can all play instruments and sing, you are obviously very intelligent and we want to send you on tour."


The animals are ecstatic, and accept the offer.

After just a few short months of the 4 animals being on tour, they are very popular.


One day, while on tour, Horse gets a phone call from the manager.


"Horse, look. We just received word that your grandmother is in the hospital dying and we think it'd be best if you flew back home to see her." Horse regretfully obliges and has his understudy fill in for him while he's gone.


Horse gets to the hospital back home to find that his beloved grandmother is already dead, with no known final words or will.


Horse is devastated, after flying back all that way for her to just be dead.


Horse has been sitting in the hospital for a couple hours at this point, trying to help as he can with the issue at hand. In the middle of the chaos, Horse gets another phone call from his manager.


"Horse, look. I heard that your grandmother just died and I'm very sorry, but I have more tragic news. The tour bus with all of your friends, roadies, and understudies has flipped and no one survived. I'm very sorry."


Horse is obviously in hysterics at this point, and is on the verge of going mad. After he calms down, and some time passes, horse decides to head to a local club to take his mind off of things.


The horse walks into the club, walks up to the bar, and the bartender says, "Hey Horse, why the long face?"
Click to expand...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A bloke is cleaning up an old attic and finds a painting and a violin. He takes them down to the local antique valuer.

The valuer calls him that afternoon. I have good news and bad news he says.

Whats the good news?

You have a Stradivarias.

My god - whats the bad news?

He was a crap painter.
 
My wife got upset with me simply because I used the word "spew". But to me, that's exactly what her cooking tasted like.
 
Who did the skeleton invite to his party?

Anyone he could dig up.
 

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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
 
darko said:
This cemetery looks extremely popular. People are dying to get in there.
Click to expand...
Used to live in a country town. The cemetery was the dead centre of town.
 
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!
 
An Irishman was flustered about not being able to find a parking space.
“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”
 

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Not sure I have ever told you guys that I worked in a circus for ten years. I couldn't do acrobatics or anything like that. I was the only guy who could get the tent back in the bag.
 
Royal Melbourne Show time. I can remember going as a kid and paying 50c to see the tattooed lady. Now they’re friggin everywhere.
 

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