Dad jokes - add yours

[Orange Peanut]

 

[Orange Peanut]

I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.

Have you ever tried to find "impostor" in the dictionary?

It's next to impossible.

 

[Luke72]

When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar

 

[giantroo]

If you ever get locked out of your house...

Talk to your lock calmly, because communication is key.

 

[gokangas]

I wonder if the people in 84BC wondered what the BC meant?

 

[gokangas]

A friend just asked me if North Melbourne is a series.
I asked him why?
He told me that all North Melbourne fans he knows say they can’t wait for the next season.

 

[gokangas]

The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.
Finally Rock beats paper.

 

[gokangas]

RIP boiling water.
You will be mist.

 

[gokangas]

I finally finished a book today, and believe me, that’s a lot of colouring.

 

[gokangas]

I pick up my dog’s poo with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

 

[gokangas]

Being on Facebook and Twitter has made my spelling grammer and vocabulary so much gooder.

 

[Contra Mundum]

A linguist attended the funeral of another linguist. People were getting up and making impromptu eulogy speeches. The linguist approached the deceased linguist's wife and asked "Can I say a word?" She said "Of course". The linguist got up and said "Plethora". When he sat down the dead linguists wife kissed him and said "That means a lot"

 

[gokangas]

At my funeral, I’ve put in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

 

[SammyRoo]

What’s the worst thing about having a job at Centrelink ?

if you get fired, you still have to show up the next day .....

 

[Falconista]

RIP boiling water.
You will be mist.

I hold this joke in high esteam..

 

[Orange Peanut]

This one comes from a young bloke who will clearly one day make a great dad.

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol?

Jerry can!

 

[gokangas]

Amazingly, this sentence contains all letters of the alphabet djkquvwxz.

 

[gokangas]

Statistically, if driving a stake through the heart kills you if you’re a vampire, then we're all vampires.

 

[gokangas]

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so all my pills will be wrapped in cheese or treats.

 

[gokangas]

My grief counsellor died recently but he was so good I didn't give a shit.

 

[gokangas]

My next door neighbours made their first sex tape over the weekend. Well, they don't know that yet...........

 

[gokangas]

I hired a landscape gardener but he said he couldn't help me coz my garden is portrait.

 

[gokangas]

This morning I went to the meeting of my premature ejaculators support group - turns out the meeting is tomorrow.

 

[gokangas]

My girlfriends dog died so I bought her an identical replacement. She was really pi55ed at me - 'what am I gonna do with two dead dogs'.

 

[gokangas]

I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time - I'm scared she will scream and run out of the park.