Dad jokes - add yours

[Falconista]

Bought a Humpty Dumpty from Aldi today. Was most impressed. It comes with Aldi king's horses and Aldi king's men.

 

[archereleven]

Little Johnny walks up to his old man and says "Dad, whats a vagina?"
The old man rustles through his magazine collection and finds a centrefold and proceeds to circle it with black texta.
"That's a vagina son"
Little Johnny replies "What's a campaigner then dad?"
"Everything outside the circle son"

On SM-G991B using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[Rod Stroker]

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Sproganoff

 

[Samsquanch]

 

[Samsquanch]

Scrawled on the door of the toilet...

 

[Samsquanch]

 

[gokangas]

Apparently a truck loaded with Thesaurus' rolled on the Hume Highway this morning. Witnesses were said to be stunned, startled, aghast, stupefied, confused, shocked, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, confounded, astonished and numbed.

 

[Samsquanch]

 

[Mav]

I can't pull a rabbit out of a hat, but I can pull a hair out of my arse.

 

[ferball]

I can't pull a rabbit out of a hat, but I can pull a hair out of my arse.

If you were bald you'd have to flip them around.

 

[Samsquanch]

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wanted to get married. Apparently, “When I meet the right girl,” was the wrong answer.

 

[Samsquanch]

My girlfriend says I don’t respect her privacy. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

 

[Samsquanch]

 

[Samsquanch]

I think it's finally time I sold my Theremin

I never touch the damn thing!

 

[big_e]

I think it's finally time I sold my Theremin

I never touch the damn thing!

All sounds a bit woo-woo to me.

 

[Bertie22]

Sadly, there is no lifeguard in the gene pool.

 

[gokangas]

​

I once hired a limo but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off!
I said “Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?”
The guy told me that the price didn’t include a driver…
… so I’d spent $500 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!

 

[gokangas]

Someone has glued my pack of cards together—I don’t know how to deal with it.

 

[gokangas]

What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison.

 

[gokangas]

I have a fear of speed bumps. I’m slowly getting over it.

 

[gokangas]

Hey Maths – grow up and solve your own problems.

 

[gokangas]

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

[gokangas]

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? So-fish-ticated.

 

[gokangas]

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange lemonade. It was more of a fanta-sea.

 

[gokangas]

Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shell-fish.