Beauty & Style Defecating oneself

[grizzlym]

I was out with some mates on a big bender of a night and i decided mexican and indian would be the food for the night (that was mistake number 1)and i like my indian as spicy as possible (mistake number 2).

I was down the pub stomach full of food smashing down lots of frothies and other varied drinks when i felt my stomach gurrgle and my colan rumble i knew it was time for a pit stop so off i went.

On my way to the toilet the impending amount of doom was knocking on the back door and i knew i needed to pick up the pace i got to the toilet and it was occupied and it was one of those stupid bathrooms that have one cubicle and one urinal anyway it was at this moment i realised that it was coming out.

I thought about backing one out in the urinal i decided not to and then i heard the toilet flush it was time as i went to unbutton my pants the first wave hit i knew i had destroyed my jocks but this wasnt my biggest worry.

As i got my pants off the second wave hit spraying over the bowl,the toilet seat and spraying a fine mist of ass water over the wall and floor the mix of indian and mexican made for a rusty water mix the stung like razor blades on the way out.

I think that was the last wave so i sit down and wait a minute and i am satisfied that was the last of it so now i have to find something to do with my shit stained undies luckily the door in the toilet has one of those hooks on the back of the door so i hang them up for the next unlucky soul to deal with if the smell after i was done in there didnt scare people off the sight of those dirty shitty undies would certainly do the trick.

So i clean up and plan on going back to the bar for a minute or two to keep up appearances with the mates so im at tbe bar abd my plan is to gave a beer and pretend to get a phonecall and go home and sterillise myself.

And someone must have ventured into the toilet because they came out yelling what dirty bastard sprayed ass paint all over the toilet and the floor and walls and at this moment i immediately looked at the guy who was in the shitter before me and he was staring at me with a disgusted look on his face he and i both kbew it was me who was the dirty bastard.

And then it happened knowing he knew it was me i got so worried about him saying something the third wave hit my jeans were now engulfed in shit it was running down my leg and filling my shoes at that point i left walked half way home threw my shit filled socks and shoes into someones backyard abd possibly on their roof and put my jeans into some poor souls letterbox.

And managed to walk the next hundred meters to my house without any socks shoes or pants so i just walked home essentialy naked just a shirt to get to my front door the house mates not home and i obviously have no keys so i waited out front for a couple of hours he comes home and to this day he hasnt asked for an explination and i havent offered to give him one.

You filthy bastard. That was hilarious. Sent it around the office and one of the directors of the company, who now just sits back and counts his money, dropped by and said, 'now about that email you sent.... when I was young I did something that was truly shameful...'

And he told me. And now I feel sick.

 

[carn tigez]

You filthy bastard. That was hilarious. Sent it around the office and one of the directors of the company, who now just sits back and counts his money, dropped by and said, 'now about that email you sent.... when I was young I did something that was truly shameful...'

And he told me. And now I feel sick.

Is there an implied meaning that I missed there? If not, elaboration is needed.

 

[grizzlym]

Is there an implied meaning that I missed there? If not, elaboration is needed.

It involved litres of poo. A denim coat from the 80s (one that went down to his knees). An elevator. And three horrified women who started screaming.

 

[triplejdude]

I was out with some mates on a big bender of a night and i decided mexican and indian would be the food for the night (that was mistake number 1)and i like my indian as spicy as possible (mistake number 2).

I was down the pub stomach full of food smashing down lots of frothies and other varied drinks when i felt my stomach gurrgle and my colan rumble i knew it was time for a pit stop so off i went.

On my way to the toilet the impending amount of doom was knocking on the back door and i knew i needed to pick up the pace i got to the toilet and it was occupied and it was one of those stupid bathrooms that have one cubicle and one urinal anyway it was at this moment i realised that it was coming out.

I thought about backing one out in the urinal i decided not to and then i heard the toilet flush it was time as i went to unbutton my pants the first wave hit i knew i had destroyed my jocks but this wasnt my biggest worry.

As i got my pants off the second wave hit spraying over the bowl,the toilet seat and spraying a fine mist of ass water over the wall and floor the mix of indian and mexican made for a rusty water mix the stung like razor blades on the way out.

I think that was the last wave so i sit down and wait a minute and i am satisfied that was the last of it so now i have to find something to do with my shit stained undies luckily the door in the toilet has one of those hooks on the back of the door so i hang them up for the next unlucky soul to deal with if the smell after i was done in there didnt scare people off the sight of those dirty shitty undies would certainly do the trick.

So i clean up and plan on going back to the bar for a minute or two to keep up appearances with the mates so im at tbe bar abd my plan is to gave a beer and pretend to get a phonecall and go home and sterillise myself.

And someone must have ventured into the toilet because they came out yelling what dirty bastard sprayed ass paint all over the toilet and the floor and walls and at this moment i immediately looked at the guy who was in the shitter before me and he was staring at me with a disgusted look on his face he and i both kbew it was me who was the dirty bastard.

And then it happened knowing he knew it was me i got so worried about him saying something the third wave hit my jeans were now engulfed in shit it was running down my leg and filling my shoes at that point i left walked half way home threw my shit filled socks and shoes into someones backyard abd possibly on their roof and put my jeans into some poor souls letterbox.

And managed to walk the next hundred meters to my house without any socks shoes or pants so i just walked home essentialy naked just a shirt to get to my front door the house mates not home and i obviously have no keys so i waited out front for a couple of hours he comes home and to this day he hasnt asked for an explination and i havent offered to give him one.

I call shenanigans. Aren't you like 15? I'll bet you've never had a beer in a pub in your life.

While the story is funny, I reckon you've just made it up. No decent human being would leave shit covered clothes on the back of a cubicle, in someones backyard, roof and on their letterbox.

Nice try, next.

 

[Igloo]

I call shenanigans. Aren't you like 15? I'll bet you've never had a beer in a pub in your life.

While the story is funny, I reckon you've just made it up. No decent human being would leave shit covered clothes on the back of a cubicle, in someones backyard, roof and on their letterbox.

Nice try, next.

Now that you mention it, it does sound VERY familiar to something I have read on the internet. Maybe from http://www.tuckermax.com/stories/.
I had a quick look but couldn't find it, but it definately sounds familiar.

 

[thecatattack]

I call shenanigans. Aren't you like 15? I'll bet you've never had a beer in a pub in your life.

While the story is funny, I reckon you've just made it up. No decent human being would leave shit covered clothes on the back of a cubicle, in someones backyard, roof and on their letterbox.

Nice try, next.

Bolded doesn't apply to gareth as he's a Collingwood supporter.

 

[gareth36]

first off ill let you know that in no way did i copy or reword this story from anyone or any other website.

some of you think the stroy is a load of bollocks(for lack of a better word)
let me know if you think it is true or not and i will tell you if it is or isnt.

and to cat attack at least the pies can keep their best players LOL jokes.

 

[Groove]

why did you put it in someones letter box? Hilarious, but seriously messed up..

 

[gareth36]

why did you put it in someones letter box? Hilarious, but seriously messed up..

Didnt want to carry them home so i wanted to off-load those vile shit stained pants asap and couldnt see a bin so a letterbox was the next best option.

But boy do i feel sorry for the poor sole who found them or had to throw them out probably gives them nightmares.


And this was just one of the stories some other stories i have i wouldnt repeat to another soul they are that embarrasing.

 

[MF]

On a packed freeway?

I should probably also explain that, being diabetic, I have a very weak bladder. One minute I won't need to go at all, the next minute I'll be busting. I don't usually have much time to find a dunny once I need to go.

1. Pull over and get out
2. Lift bonnet
3. Lean over engine as though looking for some kind of problem
4. Casually whip it out and piss through the grill of your car or directly onto the road below if concerned about splashback.
5. If someone stops to help, point to the pool of urine on the ground and tell them it's your radiator but you think you've fixed the problem.

 

[gareth36]

1. Pull over and get out
2. Lift bonnet
3. Lean over engine as though looking for some kind of problem
4. Casually whip it out and piss through the grill of your car or directly onto the road below if concerned about splashback.
5. If someone stops to help, point to the pool of urine on the ground and tell them it's your radiator but you think you've fixed the problem.

how about just pull over get out your tire iron pretend you are undoing your wheel nuts and kneel down whip out your old fella and piss on the wheel no one would be the wiser.

now if you get a good samaritan to try and help you zip your self back up and say good job to yourself and either wait for the person to leave or be on your way if you can hold it.

 

[Boyler_Room]

Too many Pringles?

 

[Si Botak]

I shat myself six times this morning, and that was before I even got out of bed.

ROFL!

I'd Sig that if only it fit!

 

[SugarShane]

1. Pull over and get out
2. Lift bonnet
3. Lean over engine as though looking for some kind of problem
4. Casually whip it out and piss through the grill of your car or directly onto the road below if concerned about splashback.
5. If someone stops to help, point to the pool of urine on the ground and tell them it's your radiator but you think you've fixed the problem.

This process has officially been committed into my mental tool kit. Thank you sir.

 

[Rockford]

Never happened to me personally.

Props to the marathon runner that kept running though.

 

[gareth36]

I was mowing my lawn the other day and it was a normal day i was about halfway done when i smelt one of the most unholy of smells i have smelt in my life turns out i had stepped in dog shit ( i think this might have been an omen).

The smell was enough to make me vomit and once i had cleaned it off my shoe i went back to mowing it took i would say less then 5 minutes and then i knew i would have to drop a duece.

I thought because there wasnt much left to mow i could finish up wiper sniper and then hit the throne turns out i grossly misjudged the timeframe i had set for myself.

I couldnt run to the toilet doing this would almost certainly end with my jocks filled with ass soup so i had to calmly and swiftly get to the toilet so i get inside and am just about to take my pants off when of all times i have to sneeze(probably because of cutting the grass).

I couldnt hold the sneeze back as the sneeze left my nose the brown mess hit my jocks needless to say i was dissapointed that i had ruined my jocks and to rub salt into the wound i was out of toilet paper so ontop of messing up my jocks i had to wipe my ass with my socks.

I had to have a shower afterwards needless to say.

 

[KMac4FF]

Holy shit! That would have been terrible!

 

[FlyingBurittoBro]

appropriate profile pic from Rockford

 

[Tulip]

Struggling to not laugh in the train

 

[woopedazz]

Gareth, do you have any back pain?

 

[BotsMaster]

Laughing so hard right now.

 

[gareth36]

Gareth, do you have any back pain?

No why do you ask ?

 

[edgie]

After reading and laughing at many of these, I think karma is gonna set me up for my first case of adult self defecation.

Crap.

 

[Parasite]

I think I have recovered mentally from my experience to share.

About 6 years ago, picked up some nasty gastro. Throwing up all morning, then spinning around on the can to let it out the other end also (not in the other order if I could avoid it). Decided to go to the doctors as feeling like I was about to die. Went with my wife and was sitting in the waiting room, when the stomach went into overdrive again. Told my wife I was feeling ill and ran off to the toilet..

Bolted to the sink and began to throw up like my life depended on it. The force of my vomiting meant I forgot momentarily to keep the vice that was my sphincter closed. So, it's coming out both ends. First moment I get - run into a cubicle and pray that I just imagined the flow of mud down my leg. So, I'm faced with the dilemma of what to do now. I used my shorts to mop up my legs and about 3-4 rolls of toilet paper to clean up. I'm standing in the doctors toilets, with no pants on, my shorts covered in shit, the most horrendous smell imaginable wafting through the bathroom and no way to tell my wife to come and help. I sat down on the can and waited.

10 minutes later, I can hear my wifes voice calling me. Help I yell. She pokes her head in and says 'FFWWWWOOOOOOAAARRR' and slams the door shut again. Now I forgot to mention, the doctors was arranged so that the consulting rooms are up one end, the toilets up the other and the waiting room in the middle. It was full, about 30 people. So a couple of minutes later my wife pokes her head in and says are you ok - the doctor is calling for me? I say no, I have no pants, they are covered in shit. She giggles and runs off, comes back 5 mins later with a white sheet and a plastic bag. I create myself a toga and put my shorts in the bag and do the walk of shame, in my sheet, plastic bag in hand past everyone in the waiting room, avoiding eye contact with anyone.

Got myself a jab in the arm to stop the nausea and get sent home very quickly. Throw my shorts in the sulo bin at the doctors and vow never to enter that doctors surgery ever again.

 

[edgie]

.

...10 minutes later, I can hear my wifes voice calling me. Help I yell. She pokes her head in and says 'FFWWWWOOOOOOAAARRR' and slams the door shut again...

Absolute gold