You poor bastard.
I've got tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard at your stinky and messy embarrasment.
-
LIVE: Carlton v Richmond - Rd 1 - 7:30PM Thu
Squiggle tips Blues at 73% chance -- What's your tip? -- Injury Lists »
-
Weekly Prize - Join Any Time - Tip Round 1
The Golden Ticket - Corporate tickets, functions, Open Air Boxes at the Adelaide Oval, ENGIE, Gabba, MCG, Marvel, Optus & People First Stadiums. Corporate Suites at the Gabba, MCG and Marvel.
Beauty & Style Defecating oneself
- Thread starter cats81
- Start date
- Tagged users None
🥰 Love BigFooty? Join now for free.
You poor bastard.
I've got tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard at your stinky and messy embarrasment.
PARASITE, that was fantastic, what a great yarn.
I think I know that guy, he lives in St Kilda and wears a cholostomy bag, he is forever getting pissed and shitting himself. He has been banned from most bars around the joint (except 'Lost For Words' where defecating oneself is a requirement for entry). One morning I walked out my front gate and he was asleep on the footpath. He is a very nice bloke and like a lot of the older weirdo's around here, owns a good chunk of St Kilda.
Log in to remove this Banner Ad
Nick23
25 31 37 51 52 63 07 09 11 22
The following happened at work yesterday. I work part time in a large retail store and this lady was browsing the aisles, my colleague asked her if she needed some help. This lady looked like she was hiding something with her sandals and she was all sweaty and looked agitated but it was 35 degrees so nobody batted an eyelid. She asked where the toilet was, and subsequently she didn't leave the aisle until we left. About 10 minutes later we return to the aisle to find some ummm 'brown nuggets' on the floor. After standing their in silence we looked around to see if we could find this lady but she had left. Another colleague says another customer nearly threw up upon entering the toilet. There was crap all over the floor and the toilet itself and to make things even weirder/funnier the toilet seat was broken and was on the floor covered in crap as well. It turns out this lady must have been ill and shat in the aisle before absolutely destroying the toilet. It put a whole new meaning for me to the term 'explosive diarrhoea'. However I have never laughed so much at the sight of the cleaner who rocked up with a new toilet seat later that night. Thank god and touch wood that something like this never happens to me.
Lol'd hard.
Also, you know it's true love when your wife is trying to help and support when you've mudmonkey'd down your leg.
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2010
- Posts
- 6,821
- Reaction score
- 70
- Location
- Melbourne, Australia
- AFL Club
- St Kilda
- Other Teams
- Rams, Rangers, Red Sox, Hornets
That's not good man, my cousins would always get gastro, very catchy and very painful I've heard. Luckily I have never had it before, knock on wood. *Knock Knock*
Although that part about vomiting and then turning the other way to let it out the other end reminds me of something similar that I went through.
Had a virus or something and I needed to both vomit and poop at the same time. But replace 'poop' with 'explosive diarrhea' type of a toilet visit. I was faced with the dilemma of needing to do both at the same time with only one toilet bowl to do it in. I needed to make a choice of collateral damage. So I decide to vomit on the floor while doing things on the other side, good choice in hindsight.
Only problem was the vomit was traveling further away from me like when you spill a glass of water on the floor, it reached the carpet as it went under the door.
WTF is wrong with you?... you don't whipper snipper after you mow you do it before.
Bloody hell, you might be onto something there. I guess if you do the whipper snipping first the mower the picks up all of the WS cuttings..........can't believe that never occurred to me before.
Bloody hell, you might be onto something there. I guess if you do the whipper snipping first the mower the picks up all of the WS cuttings..........can't believe that never occurred to me before.
Hahaha WOW!
I can't wait to try it now.
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2005
- Posts
- 4,779
- Reaction score
- 7,224
- Location
- Park Orchards
- AFL Club
- Western Bulldogs
- Other Teams
- ParkOrchards FC. Mitch-Scot Cycling
You're right Sainter. Luckily you've never had gastro.
- Joined
- Nov 22, 2003
- Posts
- 3,790
- Reaction score
- 577
- Location
- tunnel
- AFL Club
- Essendon
- Other Teams
- ESSENDON
Some of you will appreciate this, have no idea who this guy is but happened to be watching Conan when he told a very interesting story.
[youtube]8h2g8h2ffcU[/youtube]
Also big lol at the GD's obsession with vomit and faecies.
[youtube]8h2g8h2ffcU[/youtube]
Also big lol at the GD's obsession with vomit and faecies.
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2010
- Posts
- 2,166
- Reaction score
- 973
- AFL Club
- Collingwood
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2009
- Posts
- 30,419
- Reaction score
- 36,978
- Location
- Cheat Park
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Other Teams
- Everton, Cardinals
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2010
- Posts
- 5,003
- Reaction score
- 3,931
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
I miss this thread.
So I had a big one last night and have been suffering blunt force trauma to my oesophagus today as a result. How it ties in with this thread occurred moments ago in the shower. It appears that if you are showering and vomiting at the same time and you retch hard enough, while you steady yourself on hands and knees over the drain, you can shit yourself.
My dignity faded like the poop as it flowed down the drain. True story.
So I had a big one last night and have been suffering blunt force trauma to my oesophagus today as a result. How it ties in with this thread occurred moments ago in the shower. It appears that if you are showering and vomiting at the same time and you retch hard enough, while you steady yourself on hands and knees over the drain, you can shit yourself.
My dignity faded like the poop as it flowed down the drain. True story.
Le Class
Team Captain
Have pooed my pants twice in adulthood...
Once at leavers where I knocked off a whole bottle of bourbon in about 20 minutes. I passed out, pissed my pants, shat my pants, spewed everywhere. So gross. Was hungover for about 3 days. The worst part was I was still way too punished the next morning to even contemplating getting changed/showering etc. Took my jeans off to find a nugget, now solid, sitting in my jocks. So gross but so great.
I also worked at Subway until not long after I turned 18.. I was making a sub, doing my thing like usual during the lunch rush when all of a sudden my guts started swirling, cramping and gurgling like you have no idea. I figured it was relating to the dodgy curry I had had the night before. I tried to tough it out for about 10 minutes or so before I couldn't hold on any more. I started to sweat on my brow. The customers would surely have seen the amount of discomfort I was in. I had progressed past the meats and was sliding my way to the salads... Went something like this "So that was lettuce, tomato cucumb.... Oh F*ck." Then I flogged it to the toilets like you wouldn't believe. I was too late and the poo-massacre hit me on the way to the toilet. I'm not sure what happened after that, I stayed in the toilet for a fair while afterwards and had to confess to my boss the tragedy that had occured. One positive, I got to go home early
Once at leavers where I knocked off a whole bottle of bourbon in about 20 minutes. I passed out, pissed my pants, shat my pants, spewed everywhere. So gross. Was hungover for about 3 days. The worst part was I was still way too punished the next morning to even contemplating getting changed/showering etc. Took my jeans off to find a nugget, now solid, sitting in my jocks. So gross but so great.
I also worked at Subway until not long after I turned 18.. I was making a sub, doing my thing like usual during the lunch rush when all of a sudden my guts started swirling, cramping and gurgling like you have no idea. I figured it was relating to the dodgy curry I had had the night before. I tried to tough it out for about 10 minutes or so before I couldn't hold on any more. I started to sweat on my brow. The customers would surely have seen the amount of discomfort I was in. I had progressed past the meats and was sliding my way to the salads... Went something like this "So that was lettuce, tomato cucumb.... Oh F*ck." Then I flogged it to the toilets like you wouldn't believe. I was too late and the poo-massacre hit me on the way to the toilet. I'm not sure what happened after that, I stayed in the toilet for a fair while afterwards and had to confess to my boss the tragedy that had occured. One positive, I got to go home early
gareth36
Team Captain
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2010
- Posts
- 558
- Reaction score
- 12
- AFL Club
- Collingwood
- Other Teams
- new orleans saints,philly eagles,
I think i am i was sitting on the computer trolling the internet for some funny videos and my stomach gave me the heads up that the crap in my colon was about to leave for its anual toilet vacation so i went to drop them off i went and did my usual buisness while sitting on the toilet waiting gor my guest to leave the cabin known as mianus( jackass reference) the sudden urge to void my bowels had gone and i thought it was a false alarm so i pulled up my pants and returned to the computer.
It was now late and i thought i better get to bed so off i went to bed only to be awoken only a few hours later with this almighty pain in my stomach now atbthis point i should mention that i had my carpet ripped up as i was getting new carpet layed soon so back to the story
I jumped out of bed and ran to the toilet as i ran out the door i stepped on the nailed edging they use to stick down the carpet.
Upon stepping on this nail i let out the biggest scream and with that scream came the opening of the flood gates my underwear now filled with two days worth of excrement i knew i was in trouble so my first thought was for my toe because it was sliced open soni had to make it from just outside my door to the kitchen without stepping on my sliced toe without trying to put blood on the floor and without trying to put shit on the floor.
Soni made it tobthe kitchem after a minute or two and as i reached up to the cabinet to grab the bandaids it happened my underwear finaly gave way to the force of the crap it flew down my legs and was now all over the kitchen floor so i thought to hell with it i took off my pants and underwear as they were of no use to me and i threw them in the bin outside now i grab a bandaid and put it on my toe and cover it with a piece of cut off ruber glove to protect it in the shower then wash my hands because there is a smidgen of crap on my hands i have a shower clean the floor and head to bed.
This however is not the end of the story turns out the shitty pants i had put in the bin had to sit in there for over a week as the bin had just been emptied after a day i couldnt deal with the smell and my toe was still killing me so i put the shitty pants and underwear in a bag and sealed it up and put it out the back so i could put it out on the day the bins were to be emptied soni did and on the morningbof i put my pants still in the bag ontop ofbthe rubbish pile and closed the lid.
My toe still killing me at this point i decided to go to the doctors he looks ant my toe and says well lets take this bandaid off which i had not taken off from the night before as he takes the band aid off the smell of shit returns and fills the room the doctor gags it is at this point i realise why my toe is so sore once i had cut it the act of putting on the bandaid on i gad wiprd some crap from my hand inadvertantley wiping it into my cut thus infecting my toe the doctir cleans it out and puts a new band aid on it.
I return home to find in the middle of my stree my pair of shit ridden underwear and pants i think the birds must have goten into the bin and ripped the bag open and the pants have either flown out of the bin with the wind or when the garbage man emptied the truck.
I was too embarassed to pick them up they stayed there for a good week i think luckily they didnt smell as band im just glad im not the kind of person that labels their underwear there would be nothing worse than having the whole neighour hood know that it was my paue of shitty underwear and pants in the middle of the road.
It was now late and i thought i better get to bed so off i went to bed only to be awoken only a few hours later with this almighty pain in my stomach now atbthis point i should mention that i had my carpet ripped up as i was getting new carpet layed soon so back to the story
I jumped out of bed and ran to the toilet as i ran out the door i stepped on the nailed edging they use to stick down the carpet.
Upon stepping on this nail i let out the biggest scream and with that scream came the opening of the flood gates my underwear now filled with two days worth of excrement i knew i was in trouble so my first thought was for my toe because it was sliced open soni had to make it from just outside my door to the kitchen without stepping on my sliced toe without trying to put blood on the floor and without trying to put shit on the floor.
Soni made it tobthe kitchem after a minute or two and as i reached up to the cabinet to grab the bandaids it happened my underwear finaly gave way to the force of the crap it flew down my legs and was now all over the kitchen floor so i thought to hell with it i took off my pants and underwear as they were of no use to me and i threw them in the bin outside now i grab a bandaid and put it on my toe and cover it with a piece of cut off ruber glove to protect it in the shower then wash my hands because there is a smidgen of crap on my hands i have a shower clean the floor and head to bed.
This however is not the end of the story turns out the shitty pants i had put in the bin had to sit in there for over a week as the bin had just been emptied after a day i couldnt deal with the smell and my toe was still killing me so i put the shitty pants and underwear in a bag and sealed it up and put it out the back so i could put it out on the day the bins were to be emptied soni did and on the morningbof i put my pants still in the bag ontop ofbthe rubbish pile and closed the lid.
My toe still killing me at this point i decided to go to the doctors he looks ant my toe and says well lets take this bandaid off which i had not taken off from the night before as he takes the band aid off the smell of shit returns and fills the room the doctor gags it is at this point i realise why my toe is so sore once i had cut it the act of putting on the bandaid on i gad wiprd some crap from my hand inadvertantley wiping it into my cut thus infecting my toe the doctir cleans it out and puts a new band aid on it.
I return home to find in the middle of my stree my pair of shit ridden underwear and pants i think the birds must have goten into the bin and ripped the bag open and the pants have either flown out of the bin with the wind or when the garbage man emptied the truck.
I was too embarassed to pick them up they stayed there for a good week i think luckily they didnt smell as band im just glad im not the kind of person that labels their underwear there would be nothing worse than having the whole neighour hood know that it was my paue of shitty underwear and pants in the middle of the road.
🥰 Love BigFooty? Join now for free.
- Banned
- #170
I have two excellent stories
Mate 1
Gav. He's English and in club in Spain with his mates. Pissed. All of a sudden starts getting stomach pains. Goes to the mens. As per usual there's piss all over the seats. So he goes to the ladies. Ahh, nice a clean. He's spraying diahorea everywhere and two girls walk in. He can hear them saying "holy shit, that is ****ing gross!"
Gav is dead quiet sitting in the cubicle. He's thinking "surely they know this smells like a man's shit". Then one of the girls says "Are you alright in there?" And Gav puts on a fake girls voice and goes "I'm fine".
Time to wipe. No toilet paper. So he took his socks off, wiped his arse, and half flushed his socks.
He goes back into the bar area where his mates are and one of his mates striaght away notices his socks are missing.
Mate 2
Mick. He's at the pub. It's packed with 18-21 year olds (he's the same age at the time). He gets the stomach pains. Toilets are filthy so he thinks he better call it a night and go home. He says quick goodbyes and leaves. He's cutting through the primary school oval across the road from the pub to get home when he realises he can't hang on. So he ducks into a bush and lets it rip. It was winter and he had a t-shirt under his shirt. He takes it off and wipes his arse and dumps it in the bush. He continues his walk home when he thinks "hang on a sec, I was going home for a dump. I've had a dump. I no longer need to go home. So he turns around and heads back to the pub.
[/QUOTE]
Mate 1
Gav. He's English and in club in Spain with his mates. Pissed. All of a sudden starts getting stomach pains. Goes to the mens. As per usual there's piss all over the seats. So he goes to the ladies. Ahh, nice a clean. He's spraying diahorea everywhere and two girls walk in. He can hear them saying "holy shit, that is ****ing gross!"
Gav is dead quiet sitting in the cubicle. He's thinking "surely they know this smells like a man's shit". Then one of the girls says "Are you alright in there?" And Gav puts on a fake girls voice and goes "I'm fine".
Time to wipe. No toilet paper. So he took his socks off, wiped his arse, and half flushed his socks.
He goes back into the bar area where his mates are and one of his mates striaght away notices his socks are missing.
Mate 2
Mick. He's at the pub. It's packed with 18-21 year olds (he's the same age at the time). He gets the stomach pains. Toilets are filthy so he thinks he better call it a night and go home. He says quick goodbyes and leaves. He's cutting through the primary school oval across the road from the pub to get home when he realises he can't hang on. So he ducks into a bush and lets it rip. It was winter and he had a t-shirt under his shirt. He takes it off and wipes his arse and dumps it in the bush. He continues his walk home when he thinks "hang on a sec, I was going home for a dump. I've had a dump. I no longer need to go home. So he turns around and heads back to the pub.
[/QUOTE]
- Banned
- #171
Mate 3
He's a surveyor. He was doing a survey and when you do surveys you usually need access to neighbouring yards. You usually get permision but for whatever reason he was unable to get permission to enter this place. He decides to go in because no one is home. Suddenly he needs to go. Urgently. He's in the back yard of this place and he sees a besa block. He turns it on his side and uses it as a seat. His mid release and he looks up and there's the owner of the property. The owner has no idea who he is and why he's there. He's just come home and some dude is having a shit in his back yard.
My mate explained what was going on so the owner walked back inside and came out with a sandwhich bag. My mate had to walk to his car wit a sandwich bag with his **** in it and then had to go back and remove the besa block (it had shit on the inside)
He's a surveyor. He was doing a survey and when you do surveys you usually need access to neighbouring yards. You usually get permision but for whatever reason he was unable to get permission to enter this place. He decides to go in because no one is home. Suddenly he needs to go. Urgently. He's in the back yard of this place and he sees a besa block. He turns it on his side and uses it as a seat. His mid release and he looks up and there's the owner of the property. The owner has no idea who he is and why he's there. He's just come home and some dude is having a shit in his back yard.
My mate explained what was going on so the owner walked back inside and came out with a sandwhich bag. My mate had to walk to his car wit a sandwich bag with his **** in it and then had to go back and remove the besa block (it had shit on the inside)
muttweed
Cancelled
- Joined
- May 28, 2011
- Posts
- 3,392
- Reaction score
- 802
- Location
- Western VIC
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Other Teams
- Josh Caddy
God this thread is disgusting
I haven't shat myself as an adult. Older brother has though.
My 10yo nephew told us how he shat his pants at school the other day.
He thought it was safe to hold it in for awhile. Worked for awhile, when all of a sudden, his shit was about to come out.
He ran to the boys toilets and rushed into the first cubicle he saw. The seat had piss all over it! So he pulled down his shorts and stood up on the seat and squatted over it while defecating. He looked down in horror and realised that he had shat all over his shorts! He walked out of his toilets like a man, and faced all his classmates saying that he smelt like crap.
I love that kid.
I haven't shat myself as an adult. Older brother has though.
My 10yo nephew told us how he shat his pants at school the other day.
He thought it was safe to hold it in for awhile. Worked for awhile, when all of a sudden, his shit was about to come out.
He ran to the boys toilets and rushed into the first cubicle he saw. The seat had piss all over it! So he pulled down his shorts and stood up on the seat and squatted over it while defecating. He looked down in horror and realised that he had shat all over his shorts! He walked out of his toilets like a man, and faced all his classmates saying that he smelt like crap.
I love that kid.
Igloo
Not a mod
I have never actually shat myself, but I have had 2 very close calls, both at high school.
Once, I was in year 12 English, doing a test. One of the more important tests of the year, in fact. Started to get a horribly loud rumbling in my stomach, and I knew something bad was going to go down. So I asked the teacher if I could head off to the toilet for a minute, and thankfully he said yes.
While im walking from the classroom (which was in an inconvenient location compared to the closest toilet - it was a fair trip) I realised things had gotten a bit more urgent. So I decided to break into a run. Nope, not a good idea. Very nearly released my bowels half way. So I continued on in that half in pain, half holding in a shit sort of way, before it dawned on me - I wasn't going to make it. I had to physically hold the shit in there with my hands, while walking the rest of the way. I get to the toilet just in time, do my business, and start to finish up.
While leaving, some young kid (year 7 or 8) starts to walk in to the toilet. I tell him, "Someone did a pretty rancid shit in there, mate" and walk off.
I got back in time to finish the test
The second time was back in year 8 or 9. It was the 2nd last class of the day, and I got the worst gurgles in my stomach i've ever had. At this point, I didn't even know I needed to shit. I just thought I was sick. So I headed off to the sick bay to ask if I could go home, because the pain was horrible.
I get to the office, and ask if I can just walk home (1 minute walk) but they wouldn't let me without a parent. I called home, and dad answered. He said he will come get me, after he goes to the pub. So im sitting there dying, while he goes off and gets pissed. I thought to myself, screw it, and jumped up and started to make my way home. Made it JUST in time. Literally less than a second.
I don't know why I bothered with the sick bay. It was only 1 class, and the room I was in previously was right at the fence next to where I had to leave.
Once, I was in year 12 English, doing a test. One of the more important tests of the year, in fact. Started to get a horribly loud rumbling in my stomach, and I knew something bad was going to go down. So I asked the teacher if I could head off to the toilet for a minute, and thankfully he said yes.
While im walking from the classroom (which was in an inconvenient location compared to the closest toilet - it was a fair trip) I realised things had gotten a bit more urgent. So I decided to break into a run. Nope, not a good idea. Very nearly released my bowels half way. So I continued on in that half in pain, half holding in a shit sort of way, before it dawned on me - I wasn't going to make it. I had to physically hold the shit in there with my hands, while walking the rest of the way. I get to the toilet just in time, do my business, and start to finish up.
While leaving, some young kid (year 7 or 8) starts to walk in to the toilet. I tell him, "Someone did a pretty rancid shit in there, mate" and walk off.
I got back in time to finish the test
The second time was back in year 8 or 9. It was the 2nd last class of the day, and I got the worst gurgles in my stomach i've ever had. At this point, I didn't even know I needed to shit. I just thought I was sick. So I headed off to the sick bay to ask if I could go home, because the pain was horrible.
I get to the office, and ask if I can just walk home (1 minute walk) but they wouldn't let me without a parent. I called home, and dad answered. He said he will come get me, after he goes to the pub. So im sitting there dying, while he goes off and gets pissed. I thought to myself, screw it, and jumped up and started to make my way home. Made it JUST in time. Literally less than a second.
I don't know why I bothered with the sick bay. It was only 1 class, and the room I was in previously was right at the fence next to where I had to leave.
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2009
- Posts
- 5,257
- Reaction score
- 5,824
- AFL Club
- Collingwood
Ok this happened to me a few years ago. I was visiting Sydney for the weekend. I'd had an Italian housemate who made me (what I thought) was a bloody good parmigiana type thing the night before. I flew over from Perth and was going to be staying in my cousins flat. They were down south at another cousin's 21st, so I got the key from their neighbour and locked the door and doorknob. Locking the doorknob was a mistake which I was to discover later in the evening.
So I'm out having a few beers and nice pub meal with American friends who were visiting sydney, it wasn't too late (about 1AM) so I come home. I have a little pain in the stomach but what the hell I'm close to the flat so she'll be right. I get the keys out to go inside.....none of the keys fit the doorknob. FAaarrkkk. Call my cousin "oh yeah, we don't lock the doorknob otherwise you can't get back in". Shit, notice there's an emergency locksmith give him a call $160 and minimum 1 hour weight. Ok i sigh, while noticing the pain in my stomach was getting unbearable. Cousin's flat is in potts point, I run along the naval base road towards wooloomooloo wharf looking desperately for a public toilet. Nothing....find a service station think beauty I'll be right....no toilet.
So I run back towards the flat now I'm in a cold sweat, panicking and hoping the locksmith has made it....I get about 1/2 way realise there's no way i'm going to make it, end up finding a dark bushy area and dash...rip my pants off and my jocks and then vesuvious erupts. It had the consistency of baby shit, my housemates chicken meal must have been well bugged up, the smell was awful. I sat there trying to keep as quiet as possible while almost crying in pain. I managed to find a piece of old newpaper to wipe off (yes ok I'm a feral Collingwood supporter
) covered it with leaves and then head off back to the flat. I walked past the road a couple of days later and it smelt like someone had been left rotting there.
So I'm out having a few beers and nice pub meal with American friends who were visiting sydney, it wasn't too late (about 1AM) so I come home. I have a little pain in the stomach but what the hell I'm close to the flat so she'll be right. I get the keys out to go inside.....none of the keys fit the doorknob. FAaarrkkk. Call my cousin "oh yeah, we don't lock the doorknob otherwise you can't get back in". Shit, notice there's an emergency locksmith give him a call $160 and minimum 1 hour weight. Ok i sigh, while noticing the pain in my stomach was getting unbearable. Cousin's flat is in potts point, I run along the naval base road towards wooloomooloo wharf looking desperately for a public toilet. Nothing....find a service station think beauty I'll be right....no toilet.
So I run back towards the flat now I'm in a cold sweat, panicking and hoping the locksmith has made it....I get about 1/2 way realise there's no way i'm going to make it, end up finding a dark bushy area and dash...rip my pants off and my jocks and then vesuvious erupts. It had the consistency of baby shit, my housemates chicken meal must have been well bugged up, the smell was awful. I sat there trying to keep as quiet as possible while almost crying in pain. I managed to find a piece of old newpaper to wipe off (yes ok I'm a feral Collingwood supporter
) covered it with leaves and then head off back to the flat. I walked past the road a couple of days later and it smelt like someone had been left rotting there.