How important is saying goodbye

[Frodo]

I'd like some serious responses to this because it's a current dilemma.

My wifes Father is not expected to live much longer. He's in a Coma and not expected to recover, in England.

She has one sister and three brothers but it's not a close family and the only real relationship is with one of her brothers.

The dilemma for her is whether or not to attend the funeral or not. There is a feeling of wanting to say goodbye but there is also the reality of a long flight to UK, a funeral that is usually quite commercial at a crematorium, and then the long flight back soon after.

What do people think? Is saying goodbye at the funeral really important? She asks me and i cant answer.

 

[dreampolice]

Sad news Frodo. My personal opinion is yes she should go the funeral. There will be too long after the funeral for wife to wonder if she should have gone. By at least being there for the funeral she can pay her respects before burial/cremation. Perhaps eve some family ties may be picked up with her brothers/sister.

Hope this helps but in the end she will have to make the decision based onhow she feels what is best.
Cheers

 

[Mobbs]

Frodo your wife must make that decision herself. Honestly, I don't think any of us can offer much, we can only say what we'd do in her place ... and everybody views their family members differently. I saw my dad die in hospital and wouldn't give up the memory for the world, even though its an upsetting one. But different people are ... different.

What you can do is reassure her very, very, openly that you will support her and give her what she needs to follow through on whichever decision she makes.

That's my opinion, anyway.

 

[Lionel Lyon]

My quick opinion: unless it was an absolutely horrible or abusive arelationship, go; not going may come back and fill her with remorse at the least expected of times. IMVHO.

 

[evade28]

i think if i could afford it i would go. for closure and afterwards i wouldnt be saying 'oh i wish i had have gone'.

 

[Mossie]

I had the same dillema that after my wife died I swore that I would never go to another funeral. Two years later my mum died in a car accident. Although unwilling I went to say goodbye to her and I don't think I regretted it. It is hard but support your missus and tell her to go I think people need that closure.

 

[bulldogs1]

Tough one Frodo. My wife is going through something similar at the moment.

FWIW, I had a similar situation about 10 years ago. I had spent a whole week with my dying Grandmother, and we both knew that I would probably be not coming to her funeral. Since then I have often thought of that week with her, and the happy moments when she was alive.

My advice is that her Mother would know deep in her heart how much she is loved, and this is what really matters.

My regards, B1

 

[GuruJane]

Does your wife have happy memories of her childhood and her father?

If so returning will bring those back to her and make the trip very worthwhile.

If not - and its a duty trip - then she needs to ask herself if she'll always feel guilty for not doing her duty.

Finally ... if in any doubt whatsoever ... probably best to go.

Sorry to sound a bit unsentimental, but I guess that's me.

All the best, GJ.

 

[fabulousphil]

IMO she should go.

 

[Jars458]

Only she knows the answer to that I would say as its a very individual thing.

On a general level I don't think a person should go just because tehy feel others expect them to. The motivation should be I think that the person themselves wants to go.

Though what you feel about the question now may be different after the event.

Regret is probably one of the worst things in the world but I suppose you could regret the decision you make either way.

My dad lives in England and FWIW I will almost defintley be going over if I can get there in time when that moment comes which I hope is a while away yet (he is 60).

In any case my condolences to your wife and her family.

 

[aggels]

I'll echo everyone else and say that it depends on the individual. I still regret not coming back from England to go to my grandfathers funeral, and that's a very different relationship than that between a father and daughter.

My mother recently went back to England to see her mother die. She got there in time to see her one more time, and be acknowledged. That helped her a lot, to be able to say goodbye in a sense. Other than that she was a rock for her brothers and father when she got there - because she moved to Australia, she'd pretty much faced up to the fact that it was likely her parents would die without her seeing them beforehand - she'd already mourned her parents deaths before they happened pretty much. So when she got there, she was a great comfort to her father and her brothers, and she did all the organising because she was the only one with a level head at the time. She was very glad to have gone.

I don't know if that applies at all to your wife, but if so, it's worth thinking about.

(and another tip that we learnt the hard way - if it's likely to happen soon, make sure she has a valid passport! Cannot emphasise that enough!)

 

[Slax]

Frodo your wife must think about this very carefully and closely, you only ever got one shot and if you get it wrong you'll never forgive yourself.

If it was up to me I'd already be there. I was overseas when a very close friend died last year and although there was nothing I could do about not being contactable for a few weeks I was kicking myself that I couldn't get home for it.

It is far better to go and then think that you didn't need too than not and wish you had. It does provide closure and unfortunately we all look for it at verious times in our lives and this in one of them.

 

[Dipper]

I can't really make any comment about whether saying goodbye at the funeral is important or not, I tend to think no but I'm also aware that I feel these things differently to most people.

But where making the trip might prove to be surprsingly valuable is for your wife to see here siblings at this time, you say they're not close but the trip over could provide a pleasant connection with them for her.

 

[skilts]

If your wife's father is in a coma, there doesn't seem much possibility that he will be aware of your wife's presence at his bedside. If she does choose to go, it will be for her to say goodbye to him, not vice versa. Just hope she won't be disappointed, whichever decision she makes. Trying times for the Frodo family. Hope it all turns out as best it can.

 

[Captain Sensible]

If it were me I would go.

 

[Frodo]

I'd like to genuinely thank everyone for their sincere thoughts.

My wife departs tomorrow afternoon for UK and is staying with her sister. That should work out fine as her sister has her husband recovering from a head on car collission which killed the other driver, so they can share some grief.

I do find that these issues are very personal though, my wifes two elder brothers live closeby and will not visit their Dad in hospital because they want to remember him how he was. I guess I can understand the logic to that but it is a personal thing.