Media I Am Definitely The Best - S31 - Our Best Friends Best Friend Is Our Enemy :hug:

[The Half Back]

Hi there Hate. How did Tarkyn_24 go this round? I certainly haven't checked the results from his thread.

Tarks inspired me so much this week, so happy he was there to watch me boot a bag!

 

[Tarkyn_24]

I would like to reiterate that I am definitely the best

 

[Hate]

I would like to reiterate that I am definitely the best

... at hide and seek!

Boom roasted.

 

[Hate]

ROUND 12 TARKY_STARS REPORT

​

Last Sunday we reported that Tarkyn_24, the leagues most ok Full Forward had gone missing. It was a story that was devastating and shocking for the wider community.

Tonight we can report that Tarkyn_24 has been located and is safe, but may as well still be missing with the performance he dished up this afternoon at The Stadium In The Sky. Just as we all thought that he may have taken last week off to do something productive, you know, like take set shot practice, it is clear that was not the case. The case may well be that he had a few too many cases.

This assessment is probably a tad harsh, but we are all just upset as we want to see the best of Tarkyn_24, not a 3 Goal, 4 Behind Tarkyn_24. You got this, Tarks.

Earlier in the week, Tarkyn_24 sent a message via the trusty telegram with some ramblings about how if he kicks 7 goals, someone would post an article about him in French (???). It was really hard to understand, so here is some French for you, Tarkyn_24:

POUVEZ-VOUS ATTEINDRE CERTAINS OBJECTIFS?

CECI DEVIENT DIFFICILE À REGARDER.

*disclaimer: we have hired a translator in regards to the French above. We take no responsibility or blame if any abuse was dished out.

It appears as though Tarkyn_24 has lost an avatar bet... We won't even talk about that.

TARKY_STARS AWARDED:

(+2)

The committee of one has decided that this performance is worthy of TWO Tarky_Stars.


WHERE TARKYN_24 IS AT:

Oh wow, how exciting. I have seen turtles move faster than this. I bet a turtle could actually kick more goals than Tarkyn_24. Let's recruit Turtle_24. Fantastic idea.

 

[Tarkyn_24]

Fermer la bouche

 

[Barrybran]

ROUND 12 TARKY_STARS REPORT

​

Last Sunday we reported that Tarkyn_24, the leagues most ok Full Forward had gone missing. It was a story that was devastating and shocking for the wider community.

Tonight we can report that Tarkyn_24 has been located and is safe, but may as well still be missing with the performance he dished up this afternoon at The Stadium In The Sky. Just as we all thought that he may have taken last week off to do something productive, you know, like take set shot practice, it is clear that was not the case. The case may well be that he had a few too many cases.

This assessment is probably a tad harsh, but we are all just upset as we want to see the best of Tarkyn_24, not a 3 Goal, 4 Behind Tarkyn_24. You got this, Tarks.

Earlier in the week, Tarkyn_24 sent a message via the trusty telegram with some ramblings about how if he kicks 7 goals, someone would post an article about him in French (???). It was really hard to understand, so here is some French for you, Tarkyn_24:

POUVEZ-VOUS ATTEINDRE CERTAINS OBJECTIFS?

CECI DEVIENT DIFFICILE À REGARDER.

*disclaimer: we have hired a translator in regards to the French above. We take no responsibility or blame if any abuse was dished out.

It appears as though Tarkyn_24 has lost an avatar bet... We won't even talk about that.

TARKY_STARS AWARDED:

(+2)

The committee of one has decided that this performance is worthy of TWO Tarky_Stars.


WHERE TARKYN_24 IS AT:

Oh wow, how exciting. I have seen turtles move faster than this. I bet a turtle could actually kick more goals than Tarkyn_24. Let's recruit Turtle_24. Fantastic idea.

Rodney Dangerfield is going to beat Tarkyn_24 to 1,000 goals at this rate

 

[Headless]

Great thread is great.

 

[Noobz0r]

The Champs Elysses is a busy street

 

[Hate]

ROUND 13 TARKY_STARS REPORT

(text message received. yes, Tarkyn_24 is my phone background, and what?)
​

Good afternoon dear readers of this weekly column.

We want to start with an apology for the delay in releasing the report - it was a rather big weekend for the team.

Today I write with great sadness, for the board has issued a directive that we must pivot and change course. We must adhere to this directive or else it may not just see the end of our careers, but the newspaper as a whole. Over the course of 13 Rounds, our main focus, Tarkyn_24 has not really put on a performance that allows us to get the ratings we need. You know, need in order to make lots of those ad-revenue ClarkeMonies so our board can continue to drive around in their white stripe, red Ferraris while we plod away in this hot, dull office.

As a result of the directive, we have decided to change our approach. The title of this weeks column is:

Just in case you did not get where we are going with this:

​

Congratulations to Mount Buller Demons superstar, Callums_Guns. I hope you enjoy the thread from now on!

Callums_Guns has had a ripper year for the Mount Buller Demons, and is clearly their best player, but unfortunately, C_G does not have any mates. Perhaps C_G should consult some of those dating friend making phone applications. The last mention of Tarkyn_24 until he gets his engine started will be the following: Congratulations on 450 games, it has been a terrific ride, but for now, you are out of the papers. We still love you, but you know, uh the bosses orders...

This thread is now about Callums_Guns. CG is by far the best player for the Mount Buller Demons at this moment in time. Quite a remarkable effort for a side that sits second last on the ladder that they have any good players at all. Callums_Guns has been fantastic all season, and this week racked up an impressive 19 disposals, 7 tackles (not pictured) and managed 1 goal, the same as a certain former good Full Forward.

CALLUMS_GUNS AWARDED:

(+4.5)

The committee, as a result of this change, have a) renamed Tarky_Stars to Callums_Guns, and b) have awarded 4 and 1 half Callums_Guns to Callums_Guns in Round 13.

 

[The Half Back]

Get better Tarks!

 

[Agent93]

Callums_Guns has had a ripper year for the Mount Buller Demons, and is clearly their best player, but unfortunately, C_G does not have any mates.

CG is by far the best player for the Mount Buller Demons at this moment in time.

So CG is Patty Dangerfield circa 2016?

 

[Bastyy]

I would say that the league needs to band together and free Callums_Guns from the Demons, but he doesn’t have any mates so there’s no point

 

[Hate]

So CG is Patty Dangerfield circa 2016?

Maybe it is fairer to say that everyone else is the Callum_Guns circa Season 30!

 

[JackBero]

Callums_Guns WOOOOOOOO

 

[JackBero]

you’ve had your turn

 

[Hate]

Tarkyn_24

"Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened."

 

[Tarkyn_24]

Tarkyn_24

"Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened."

Competing with Live Love Laugh as the number one basic bitch catchphrase.

 

[Hate]

Competing with Live Love Laugh as the number one basic b*tch catchphrase.

I have all day to run through the Instagram quote book!

 

[The Half Back]

I was today years old when I found out Tarks is a 15 year old girl.

 

[Hate]

ROUND 14 TARKY_STARS REPORT

​

WE ARE BACK, BABY!

October 26, 2020 saw the team here at "covering Tarkyn" make the tough and saddening decision to change direction with our coverage. Due to poor ratings, we chose to deliver a piece about the player we will now refer to as 'Tarkyn's Teammate' and adjust the rating system to suit.

October 30, 2020 saw Tarkyn's Teammate post a putrid thread on the main board of the Sweet F.A. A thread that was SLAMMED by our good friend and investor Loonerty. You know you have made a huge error when that happens.

Please do not view the thread at this location.

Many questions are yet to be answered, all of which were submitted by fans of the weekly column:

What do Horsiees have to do with the Sweet F.A?
Are these Mobbs horsiees from Minecraft?
Is Mobbs hosting some horsiee race on Minecraft?
Why was there no 'gamble safely' notice?
Are the North Western East Southern Coast Horsiees the latest expansion side?
Have they been given a game in Heritage Round?
How can Tarkyn_24 afford to ride in on a horse?
Why has NaturalDisaster left this thread on the board? Not good signs for the incoming Administrator!

As a result of this thread, the team has decided to rescind support for this player and return to old faithful, Tarkyn_24, the stallion!

Since we last visited Tarkyn_24, he has only managed to put a HUGE total of 3 goals on the board... 1 goal against the Gumbies FFC in Round 13, and 2 goals, 2 behinds against the Gold City Royals over the weekend.

He may not be back, but the coverage of him is. He is sure to come good soon.

League superstar Kennedy Parker in honour of Heritage Round, and the league celebrating 3,000 games is hosting a Heritage Round Qooty Carnival. We all know that Tarkyn_24 is a shoe-in to be taking part in this event, so let's take a look at how he went...

9 kicks - 0 goals!

It is not even worth our time to chuck this into the rating system, so we will ask serial_thrilla to make a sound judgement on how many Tarky_Stars this performance deserves.

TARKY_STARS AWARDED:

(+1)

The committee of one has decided that this (Round 14) performance is worthy of ONE Tarky_Stars.


WHERE TARKYN_24 IS AT:

Slowly, but surely...

 

[Headless]

Tarkyn_24

 

[serial_thrilla]

ROUND 14 TARKY_STARS REPORT

​

WE ARE BACK, BABY!

October 26, 2020 saw the team here at "covering Tarkyn" make the tough and saddening decision to change direction with our coverage. Due to poor ratings, we chose to deliver a piece about the player we will now refer to as 'Tarkyn's Teammate' and adjust the rating system to suit.

October 30, 2020 saw Tarkyn's Teammate post a putrid thread on the main board of the Sweet F.A. A thread that was SLAMMED by our good friend and investor Loonerty. You know you have made a huge error when that happens.

Please do not view the thread at this location.

Many questions are yet to be answered, all of which were submitted by fans of the weekly column:

What do Horsiees have to do with the Sweet F.A?
Are these Mobbs horsiees from Minecraft?
Is Mobbs hosting some horsiee race on Minecraft?
Why was there no 'gamble safely' notice?
Are the North Western East Southern Coast Horsiees the latest expansion side?
Have they been given a game in Heritage Round?
How can Tarkyn_24 afford to ride in on a horse?
Why has NaturalDisaster left this thread on the board? Not good signs for the incoming Administrator!

As a result of this thread, the team has decided to rescind support for this player and return to old faithful, Tarkyn_24, the stallion!

Since we last visited Tarkyn_24, he has only managed to put a HUGE total of 3 goals on the board... 1 goal against the Gumbies FFC in Round 13, and 2 goals, 2 behinds against the Gold City Royals over the weekend.

He may not be back, but the coverage of him is. He is sure to come good soon.

League superstar Kennedy Parker in honour of Heritage Round, and the league celebrating 3,000 games is hosting a Heritage Round Qooty Carnival. We all know that Tarkyn_24 is a shoe-in to be taking part in this event, so let's take a look at how he went...

9 kicks - 0 goals!

It is not even worth our time to chuck this into the rating system, so we will ask serial_thrilla to make a sound judgement on how many Tarky_Stars this performance deserves.

TARKY_STARS AWARDED:

(+1)

The committee of one has decided that this (Round 14) performance is worthy of ONE Tarky_Stars.


WHERE TARKYN_24 IS AT:

Slowly, but surely...

Given the parallels to Round 6, I degree that Tarkyn_24 gets NEGATIVE FOUR TarkyStars for the All Stats match.

 

[Hate]

Given the parallels to Round 6, I degree that Tarkyn_24 gets NEGATIVE FOUR TarkyStars for the All Stats match.

APPROVED

 

[The Half Back]

TARKS is back!

 

[Tarkyn_24]

Time for a media blackout, I think.