Jokes, Laughs & Chuckles

[rdhopkins2]

Let's try and save the mods having to delete or card posters....so keep it within BF rules please.....

Time for some jokes. Have a laugh and a chuckle.


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

 

[GoHawks05]

I've got a good joke about a pizza.

Acctually, on second thaughts, I won't tell you. It's a bit cheesy!

 

[Sixpence]

An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are all on the run for the law. They climb up 3 separate trees to hide.

The cops come up to the American's tree and hear rustling.

"Who's up there?" They shout, to which the American responds "Tweet, tweet". "It's just a bird, move on".

They then come up to the Englishman's tree, "Who's up there?", the Englishman, catching on the American's idea, replies "Meow". "It's just a cat, move on".

They come up to the Irishman's tree and again ask "Who's up there?". The Irishman, also taking note of the others, replies "Mooo".

 

[arupist]

DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN IN PORT HEDLAND, WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ****in' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from ****in' Perth .

October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the ****in' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30.
Stupid repairman.

November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to ****in' throttle him. ****in' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking ****in' wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my ****in' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my ****in' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a ****in' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****in' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two ****in' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the ****in' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the ****in' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the ****ers!

November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid ****er. ****in' Newman! What kind of sick, demented ****in' idiot would want to live here!

December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are ****in' kidding!

 

[Sixpence]

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are discussing their love-making techniques.

The Frenchman says: After I make love to my wife, I put flower petals on her body and she rises a foot off the bed.

The Italian man says: Well, after I make love to my wife, I put little chocolates on her body and she rises 2 feet off the bed.

The Australian says: That's nothing! After sex with my missus, I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!

 

[Mitchell54]

a boat had 20 people on it. it sank. everyone died. BUUUUTTT... 24 heads popped up?

How on earth does this happen?!?
1 of the guys were drunk(this isn't a clue though)

 

[Thaihawk]

A 60 year old couple had spent 35 very happy years together. He was a Professor of Maths at the local university and she was the librarian.

One afternoon when she got home she received this text from her husband. "I am with a 20 year old female student, so I'll be late. Go ahead and eat without me." The following day, as the man arrives home, he receives this text from his wife. "It so happens, tonight, I am with a 20 male student, so don't wait up, as I will be late. You, being a Math professor, know very well that 20 goes into 60, many more times than 60 into 20."

 

[arupist]

When you have just spent two hours searching a book store for that special item you realise you have just been to the

 

[Mitchell54]

When your squeezing lime onto your pancake...





...Turns out it was an unripe lemon

 

[Thaihawk]

It was dusk, and just after Christmas when a little 5 year-old girl was stopped on her brand new bike by a mounted policeman. the conversation went like this:
Policeman: "Did Santa bring you that new bike for Christmas, little girl?"
Little girl: "Yes. Isn't it a beauty!"
Policeman: "It is, but he made a mistake, he forgot to put a light on the rear, so I will have to give you a $5- ticket."
Little girl, looking up at the policeman in amazement: "And I suppose Santa bought you that horse, didn't he?"
Policeman, sitting up proudly: "Sure did."
Little girl: "Well, he made with that too."
Policeman: "How's that?"
Little girl: "Well the prick is supposed to go under the horse, not on it!"

 

[arupist]

This guy rocks up to the pearly gates. St Peter is there to greet him. So, he asks, “how is it you came to be here?”

The man replies “I live on the 25th floor of an apartment block. I thought I would surprise my beautiful wife by popping home for lunch. I walked into the bedroom to find her naked and her underwear all over the floor. I was immediately suspicious and looked all over the bedroom. Under the bed, in the closet. Found no one. Then I looked on the balcony and I saw these fingers hanging onto the edge of the balcony. I just flew into a rage and stomped on those fingers until whoever it was let go. I was still so angry I picked up the old refrigerator we had been storing on the balcony and threw it over the edge. With all the exertion, I just had a heart attack. And here I am.”

St Peter just smiled and said “Enter”.

Moments later, another man walks up. St Peter asks him “What brings you here?”

“I live on the 26th floor of this apartment block. I have an exercise bike on the balcony and was getting up some serious speed when the bike started rocking a little. I lost balance and fell over the edge. Luckily, I was able to grab hold of the balcony of the apartment just below me. I was so relieved when some guy started stomping on my fingers. I could hold on so I fell. I was very fortunate that there were several trees directly below and they broke my fall. With a sigh of relief, I lay there when, of all things, a freaking refrigerator fell on top of me. So here I am."

Watching the man enter through the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns to see a third man walk up. “What has happened to you?”

The man shrugs, and says, “Well, picture this. Here I was, hiding in this refrigerator……”

 

[Thaihawk]

This guy rocks up to the pearly gates. St Peter is there to greet him. So, he asks, “how is it you came to be here?”

The man replies “I live on the 25th floor of an apartment block. I thought I would surprise my beautiful wife by popping home for lunch. I walked into the bedroom to find her naked and her underwear all over the floor. I was immediately suspicious and looked all over the bedroom. Under the bed, in the closet. Found no one. Then I looked on the balcony and I saw these fingers hanging onto the edge of the balcony. I just flew into a rage and stomped on those fingers until whoever it was let go. I was still so angry I picked up the old refrigerator we had been storing on the balcony and threw it over the edge. With all the exertion, I just had a heart attack. And here I am.”

St Peter just smiled and said “Enter”.

Moments later, another man walks up. St Peter asks him “What brings you here?”

“I live on the 26th floor of this apartment block. I have an exercise bike on the balcony and was getting up some serious speed when the bike started rocking a little. I lost balance and fell over the edge. Luckily, I was able to grab hold of the balcony of the apartment just below me. I was so relieved when some guy started stomping on my fingers. I could hold on so I fell. I was very fortunate that there were several trees directly below and they broke my fall. With a sigh of relief, I lay there when, of all things, a freaking refrigerator fell on top of me. So here I am."

Watching the man enter through the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns to see a third man walk up. “What has happened to you?”

The man shrugs, and says, “Well, picture this. Here I was, hiding in this refrigerator……”

Man, did I need that laugh after another disappointing, lethargic display be the Hawks.

 

[Nugett]

The Geelong board after a loss?

 

[Thaihawk]

What do you get when you put Basil Zempilas, Dacry, Richo. and Ling in the broadcasting box at a very exciting footy match?



Bored!

 

[Thaihawk]

A young couple were killed on their way to the church to get married. They front up to Saint Peter who welcomes them and asks if there was anything he could do for them.
The man said, "yes, actually there is. As we were about to get married when we were killed, is it possible we could get married in heaven?"
St Peter ponders for a few seconds,and then says, "Just wait here, and I'll see what I can do."
Time passes, quite a few hours have gone by and the man and woman are starting to get worried, when a panting Saint Peter returns. Before he has time to answer their query, the man tells him that he and his fiancee have been discussing the possibilities if their marriage fails, could they get a divorce, to which Saint Peter says, "it took me 10 houre to find a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

 

[arupist]

President Trump and his entourage were travelling down a country road when a pig ran out in front of the President 's car. Trump told his driver to go to the farm house and report the accident. Two hours later the driver returns in a dishevelled state, wearing a big grin, carrying a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. Trump asked what happened. The driver responded that the farmer gave him a cigar, the wife gave him wine and their beautiful daughter ravished him. Trump is puzzled and asked what did you say to them.

He replied "I am President Trump's driver and I killed the pig".


On SM-A325F using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[arupist]

A man was drinking alone at the bar.
“How come I never see you in here with
Phil any more?” the barman asks him.
“Well, would you drink with a bloke
who’s a liar, always late, borrows money he
never pays back, never offers to buy a
round, is jealous of everything you have
and as soon as your back is turned he tries
to do your wife and daughter?”
“Bloody hell, no!” says the barman.
“Well, neither would Phil.”

 

[arupist]

What do you get when you have 32 Collingwood supporters in one room?



A full set of teeth.

 

[arupist]

Three old men were sitting in a retirement home chewing the fat.

“I hate being in my seventies,” said the first. “You always feel like you want to piss and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the second. “When you’re in your eighties, you don’t have a proper bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

“No, being in your nineties is the worst age of all,” said the third.

“Do you have trouble pissing as well then?” asked the first old man.

“No, not really, I have a piss every morning at 6 a.m. I piss like a racehorse, no problem at all.”

“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”

“No, I have a shit every morning at 6:30 precisely.”

At this, the second old man said: “Let me get this straight. You piss every morning at 6 a.m. and shit every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so bad about being in your nineties?”

“I don’t wake up until 7 a.m.”

 

[arupist]

Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour bridge one day, listening to some music in his car, when suddenly he spots his girlfriend, Sheila, standing on the side of the bridge.

Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, “Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe?”

Sheila turns around, with tears welling up in her eyes. “Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant. I don’t want to be a burden, so
I’m just gonna kill myself!”

Bruce gets a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car. “Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you’re a bloody
good sport about it too!”

 

[arupist]

A blind millionaire businessman went on a trip in his private jet. At 20,000 feet the pilot called him into the cockpit to tell him he was feeling ill and had chest pains. Suddenly the pilot keeled over with a fatal heart attack. The blind man panicked as he felt the plane nose-diving and rocking violently, so he dragged the pilot out of his seat and strapped himself in. After a lot of frantic fumbling around he located the radio and called into it: “Mayday! Mayday!”

Ground control heard the call for help and enquired what the problem was.

“I am blind and alone in a plane, the pilot is dead and I’m flying upside down. Mayday! Mayday!”

Ground control said: “Calm down, sir. Just to clarify, you are blind, is that correct?
If so how do you know you are flying upside down”

The blind man replied: “Because I can feel the shit running up my back.”

 

[arupist]

A young man was in London looking for some action with the ladies. A taxi driver gave him an address. “Take this. You’ll find
everything you want there.”

When the young man arrived at the address he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.
“I want to get screwed,” said the young man.

“Okay, but this is a private club. Slide twenty quid in the slot as an initiation fee,” answered the voice.

The young man slid a £20 note in the slot, the panel closed. Ten minutes passed and nothing happened. He began to pound
on the door. Eventually the panel slid open.

“Excuse me,” said the young man, “I want to get screwed!”

“What?” said the voice, “Again?”

 

[arupist]

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

 

[arupist]

A woman decides to send a message to Tech Support about her relationship.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, AFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the

blue) ...

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-ln-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck

Tech Support

 

[CliffMcTainshaw]