Lame Jokes Part 2

crowmyzone

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Ode to a Bunning’s onion

I am a Bunning’s onion
My life was once quite grand,
I’d get to look at everything
As you held me in your hand.

Looking out the drivers window
Or at the people you would greet,
All these scenes unfolded
Up upon my sausage seat.

Sometimes I would be blinded
Smothered by that sauce so red,
Or a squeeze of yellow mustard
Soaked up by the fresh white bread.

But now my life’s just not as good
As it used to be,
For my view is now constricted
By the snag on top of me.

And why you ask have things so changed,
Why did my status drop?
It’s all because some Gympie bloke
Trod on me and went flop!

So I’ll fade into obscurity
Underneath some dodgy meat,
Now that Bunning’s changed the way
We eat our weekend treat.

So please do not forget me
Now I’m down out of the way,
And now and then lift up that snag
And smile and say G’day!

I’ll still be just as tasty
Cooked so caramel and rich,
I’m just not as important
Since becoming Bunning’s B#tch!

Peter McF@dyen
 

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crowmyzone

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.

The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."o_O
 

crowmyzone

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This morning at Woolworth's check-out I was behind a lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under $50.

I thought she was probably someone’s Grandma and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Gran out if they'd seen her.
She didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her groceries back on the shelves...:)
 

Wallaby

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I have a superpower.

I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.

Takes some time........


I can also destroy mountains through the Power of EROSION!
 

crowmyzone

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Jack is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jack brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.

A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.

Jack continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jack. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi- resolution map of New York City appears on the display.

"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jack.

"View recede ten," Jack says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.

"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jack.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you £1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you £5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you £15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jack stops to think. He's only put about £8500 into materials and development, and with £15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. £15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jack abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jack points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

"Don't forget your batteries."
 
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