Lame Jokes Part 2

[Rod Stroker]

Did you guys know that, if you go to Punchbowl, you get a sore hand?

In Canada, Moosehead is a beer.

But in America, it's a criminal offense.

 

[Andrewy]

Air used to be free at the servo, now it costs 50c.
You want to know why?

Inflation.

 

[GoEaglesGoSGIO]

I was buying a car last week

"Cargo space' I ask

"Car no do that, Car go road"

 

[GoEaglesGoSGIO]

Everytime I ask for someone to tell me what IDK means they tell me I dont know . I mean someone needs to know what it means surely

 

[raskolnikov]

I told a joke in a Zoom meeting yesterday but nobody laughed.
Seems I'm not remotely funny.

 

[worbod]

Did you know that there's a fine line between a denominator and a numerator?
(Only a fraction of people will find this funny).

 

[Andrewy]

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?


“Oops!”

 

[worbod]

My two sons came home from school and the youngest one told me he had been made captain of the school football team. After I congratulated him, my eldest son asked if he could have 20 dollars for a school excursion. I told him that firstly, he should congratulate his brother on being made school captain. The eldest son took his brother outside into the paddock. I followed them both and saw the older boy push his younger brother into a pile of cow poo.
"Why did you do that?" I bellowed.
My son replied, "I'm giving him a pat on the back."

 

[Andrewy]

People always ask me how I always spell everything correctly.

It's because I know how to right.

also

Apparently, the new Pope's 1st question was "Where do I get to live?"

They told him, "Rome, if you want to."

 

[worbod]

Why do vampires not want to become investment bankers?

They hate stakeholders.

 

[Billy ray]

I was best man at my friends wedding in Paris
At the reception, i raised my glass and said “Bread. Eggs. Butter. Cinnamon.”
It was a French toast.

 

[worbod]

I have forgotten which American state my aunty went to for a holiday. But don't worry, Alaska.

 

[philreich]

Arrived home tonight and saw a note on the fridge which read, "This isn't working - goodbye."

I'm confused - I opened the fridge, and there's nothing wrong with it.

 

[raskolnikov]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant

Chris Tarrant

Age

45

Ht

193cm

Wt

94kg

Pos.

Def

Career

Season

Last 5

D

12.2

3star

K

8.3

3star

HB

3.9

3star

M

5.6

5star

T

1.5

3star

No current season stats available

D

3.2

1star

K

2.6

1star

HB

0.6

1star

M

1.2

2star

T

1.8

4star

, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
A) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, "so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with "D" cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
Paddy rolled his eyes and replied, "Because he lives in a Fookin Clock!”

 

[Andrewy]

I said to my Wife: I love you.
She asked: Is that you or the wine talking?
Me. It’s me talking. To the wine.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Apparently Coldplay havent released a single in years.......But they did make 2 new singles in one night

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

My doctor recently put me on a banana only diet.
I find it very unappealing

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

I bumped into my ex wife the other day.
Well the cops are calling it vehicular manslaughter, but.......

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

My daughter just called to tell me my son in law was beaten up by 2 crackheads.
I was very upset by the news of course, I had paid 3 of the bastards.......

 

[Wallaby]

My wife used to get so sexually excited, she would punch me in the face every time she orgasmed.

I didn’t mind much, until I found out she was faking them.

 

[worbod]

What do you call a man who tells dad jokes but isn’t a dad?

A faux pa

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Do we need a trigger warning
Anyways:
I asked my son what he learned in school today he said proudly "Gay men like Sony. Lesbians prefer Kenwood and transgender people favour Bose". I was a bit amazed, so I knelt down put my hand on his little shoulder and said
"Son those are just stereotypes"

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

I took the shell off my pet snail to make him go faster.
It didnt work, it just made him more sluggish

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

What type of cheese lifts weights all day?
Shredded...

 

[Andrewy]

To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.