Lame Jokes Part 2

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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction
site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours, the
pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get
meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now.

He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
 

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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
 
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
 
A man walks into a crowded bar on the 3rd story of the hotel. He has a drink, then jumps out the window. People start screaming! They run down to try to help the man...When they go down, nobody is lying on the floor. Confused, they go back up and start drinking again. The man gets the elevator up and they all crowd around him. "Are you okay??" "How did you do it?"

The man tells them that anyone can do it! All they need to do is sit down on the stool, have a drink, then jump. He does it to demonstrate and then comes back up again. A guy decides to try it out. He jumps...and a scream can be heard. They look down and see a body.

The barman says to the man "Geez Superman, you are a real ******** when you're drunk."
 
Two vomits were walking down the street, one turns to the other and says "I was brought up here"
 
What do you call it when you grab 100 Aarons from the Earth, and put them on the moon?
A problem

What do you call it when they put 1000 of them on the moon?
A problem

What do you call it when they put all the Aaron onto the moon?
Problem solved.
 
A snail is returning home late at night and has to cut though a dark alley. As he is passing though, he is mugged by two slugs. Later on at the police station, the officer asks him, "Can you give me a description of the assailants?" The snail ponders this for a moment, and then replies, "Gee, I'm not sure...it all happened so fast."
 

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Keith Richards is in his hotel room with a huge bag of coke which cost him several thousand dollars, and he's chopping himself out a line, when he hears Mick Jagger calling out to him from the next room. "Keith, Keith, the police are on their way!"

So he hurriedly flushes the gear down the loo, hides the razor and mirror under a sofa cushion, and tries to look as nonchalant as possible as he answers the knock on the door...

...and it's Sting and Andy Summers.
 
I thought of this joke when i was younger.

Q:What do you get when you cross christopher skase with Allan bond??
A: A guilty chicken
 
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.

He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber."
 
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."
 
A young girl runs inside to her mum after getting a thorn in her finger. She asks for a glass of cider.

"What do you want the cider for?" her mum asks.

"Because I heard my older sister say that when she gets a prick in her hand she feels munch better when it's in cider."
 
An elderly couple are climbing into bed, preparing to go to sleep for the night. The wife says to her husband, "It's okay Mick, I've set the alarm for seven."

He replies, "Why? There's only two of us."
 
If its good enough for the shops....

What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey?
The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China and the overthrow of Greece!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What's Christmas called in England ?
Yule Britannia !

How long does it take to burn a candle down ?
About a wick !

what does a Drag Queen do for chirstmas?
Eat drink and be Mary

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
In the Christmas Alphabet, there is No-L
 
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