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Lame Jokes Part 2

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A dwarf goes to a specialist and arrives on time for his appointment, but the doctor is running late as usual.

After an hour has passed he asks the receptionist if the doctor is ignoring him because he's a dwarf.

The receptionist assures him that the doctor treats everyone but he's very busy, so the dwarf will have to be a little patient.o_O
 
What would happen if everyone in Australia drove a pink car?

We would become a pink carnation.
 

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One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But, sir, I also have
a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”
 
2 cannibals are eating a clown. One pauses, turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

***************
2 cows in a paddock. One turns to the other and says "So... What do you think about this mad cow's disease then?"
The other replies "How the hell should I know? I'm a mailbox, stupid."

***************
Q: 2 baked beans go travelling around Australia. Where do they end up?
A: In Cairns.

***************
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
 
Mick and Paddy come out of a pub after a night of Guinness and begin staggering down the road where they come across a headstone at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "Be Jesus Mick…What was his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
 
An electron, a proton and a neutron were standing in line to enter a nightclub. The bouncer looks at the electron and says, "That'll be ten bucks to get in mate."
After the electron has entered, the bouncer then looks at the proton and says, "That'll be ten bucks to get in mate."
Upon looking at the neutron, the bouncer states, "For you, no charge."
 
MAN RULES
Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.REALLY.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the lounge tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...
 

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topjars said:
MAN RULES
Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.REALLY.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the lounge tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...
Click to expand...


One of the best things I've ever read.

Got quite a chuckle out of it.

Everything you typed is spot on.
 
wce_dyl said:
What do you call an Irishman that lives in your backyard?
Paddy O'Furntiture
Click to expand...


What do you call an Irishman bouncing off walls?

Rick O'Shea.
 
A little old man goes to the doctor...

Little Old Man: "Doctor, I wake up every morning and think I'm a cat"

Doctor: "How long have you felt this way"?

Little Old Man: "Ever since I was a kitten"
 
A lady goes to the doctor...

Lady: "Doctor, I wake up every morning and think I'm a pair of curtains.."

Doctor: "Pull yourself together woman!"
 
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an atheist and a dyslexic?

> Someone who wakes up in the middle of the night, questioning the existance of dog.
 

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An Irishman on one side of the river, yells out to another Irishman on the other side of the river:

Irishman 1: "How do I get to the other side??"

Irishman 2: "You're already on the other side!!"
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar....

After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says:

"I'm sorry, but I can't let you in without a Thai"
 
Two mental patients are sitting in their cell, one reading a book, the other hanging from a rafter. A security guard walks by and notices the inmate hanging from the rafter. He rushes up to the cell and says, "Hey! What is that guy doing all the way up there?"

The other patient replies, "Oh, he thinks he's a light."

"Well tell him to get down from there," says the guard.

"What? And leave me to read in the dark?"
 
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "

That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eyeo_O .
 
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?
That's because he hides well.
What was the centerpiece of the annual
Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention?
A cake jumping out of a girl.
 

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