Lame Jokes Part 2

[Bomber32]

The Buddhist monk told the hot dog vendor to "Make me one with everything."

He then gave the vendor a $20 bill.

He waited, then said, "Where's my change?"

The vendor smiled and said, "Change comes from within."

 

[Bomber32]

What did the mermaid do last Saturday night?

She went out with the tide.

 

[Bomber32]

A guy says to the doctor, "I'm thinking about having a vasectomy."

The doctor says, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

The guy says, "Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three."

 

[Bomber32]

What old play is about advertising by sheep farmers?

Much Ado About Mutton.

 

[Bomber32]

Two guys were in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt.

"If you don’t mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?"

"I can’t," lamented the first man. "It’s permanent."

"I don’t understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an old oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out."

He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit!"

 

[Bomber32]

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

 

[Bomber32]

"What is your occupation?" asked the judge.

"I’m a locksmith, your honor."

"And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when
the police officers entered?"

"I was making a bolt for the door!"

 

[Bomber32]

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled.

"Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."

 

[Bomber32]

Why are pancakes like a baseball game?

Because they depend on the batter.

 

[Bomber32]

Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.

Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 

[Bomber32]

Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Because chiffon wrinkles easily.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: If the right part came along, would George C. Scott do a nude scene?
A: You mean he doesn't have the right part???

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: When you pat a dog on the head, it will usually make him wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Make him bark!

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
A: ...They are cute.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: Is there such a thing as a female rooster?
A: Yes. They're the ones that go, "a-doodle-doo!"

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
A: A sheriff in Alabama.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: Who takes a longer time to have a baby -- your wife or your elephant?
A: Who told you about my elephant?!

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Can female frogs croak?
They do if you hold their little heads underwater

 

[Damp Squarie]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

 

[worbod]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: What should you do if your parakeet has a temperature of 112 degrees?
A: Baste him!

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: What is the official currency of Puerto Rico?
A: Food stamps.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: True of false: gypsy lore says that God created man by baking him in an oven?
A: Looks like you were undercooked

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Q: How many fingers are in the Girl Scout salute?
A: I don't remember the last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.