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Lame Jokes Part 2

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The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia.

The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat.

"Lack of no Howe," answered a voice from the back of the classroom.
 
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.

"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
 
It was the middle of the night.

Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan.

The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. "WELL?" he shouted.

"No," moaned the man. "Sick."
 
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mum says "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mum!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing five hundred hours of Community Service?"
 
Joe walked into his dad’s study while his dad was working on the computer.

“Dad,” said Joe, “Remember when you told me you’d give me 50 dollars if I passed my math test?”

His dad nodded.

“Well, the good news is that I just saved you 50 bucks.”
 
Late one night, a robber wearing a ski mask stuck a gun into the ribs of a nicely dressed man.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," said the robber, "give me my money."
 

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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was ****ing skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."


Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan nuclear disaster.
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Victoria."
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this ****in' place!"

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Frankston.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........
They had no idea they had a Job Centre!

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with hooters like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"


The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster. They said they were delicious!


My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my **** out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!


Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Abdul, I'm not talking about your lot."


I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.


Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a pr0n film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the Discovery Channel.


A farmer gets a phone call from his son.
"I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive."
"Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it."
About 20mins later he gets another call..."
"Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"


David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?":thumbsu:


Sky news report.
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack.


The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the **** up and go to sleep!"


My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did you say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c**t.


Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship. She replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
 
Why can’t women read maps? Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
 

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