Lame Jokes Part 2

[Double the Fist]

Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? So they don’t whistle on the way down.

Why don't witches wear undies?
Better grip on the broomstick!

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

As the monkey said when he got his tail stuck in the lawnmower, it won't be long now

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

What do you call an iPad? A big iPod touch.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

What do you call an iPod touch? A small iPhone

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Why are gulls that live by the sea called seagulls? 'Cuz if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels!

 

[wce_dyl]

What happened when Bluebeard the Pirate went overboard in the Red Sea?

He was marooned.

 

[TubbsFarquhar]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

Because they don't have three wise men and a virgin

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business!

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese!

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

What do vegetarian zombies say? Graaains!

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Whats brown and sounds like a bell? Dung

 

[worbod]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

 

[worbod]

Two Blondes with Hammers...

Lisa and Judy were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lisa was nailing down house siding, and would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Lisa explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and so I throw them away.”
Judy got completely upset & yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!”

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you call a bunch of John's going to a takeaway shop?
Hungry Jacks.

What's a Koala's favourite laundry detergent brand?
Cuddly.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

The iPhone is useless to an immature person like myself.

I type "5318008" into the calculator and turn it upside down, but the screen rights itself.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

A car with the numberplate "G4N DULF" pulled in front of me today.

Safe to say, he didn't let me pass.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Good news for insomniacs. Only three more sleeps till Christmas.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

If that joke was a banana, it'd be appealing

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Did you hear about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.

 

[Bomber32]

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

 

[Bomber32]

Have you heard about the explosion at a cheese shop in France?

The area is covered in De Brie.

 

[Bomber32]

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money I'd just laugh and search with them.

 

[Bomber32]

What's the only dog in the world that won't bite?

A hotdog.

 

[Bomber32]

I used to hate weddings. All the old ladies would tell me "You'll be next." They soon stopped that when I started saying that to them at funerals.