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Lame Jokes Part 2

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Two penguins are in the shower. One says, "Hand me the soap, would you?", to which the other replies, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"
 

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A businessman was confused about a bill he just received so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. He asked, "If I were to give you $20,000 dollars minus 14% how much would you take off?" She replied, "Everything but my earrings."o_O
 
Everytime someone at my friend's house would say "I'll put the kettle on" someone would invariably reply "I hope it fits
 
DREAM TEAM BUFF said:
Everytime someone at my friend's house would say "I'll put the kettle on" someone would invariably reply "I hope it fits
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i used to ask "have you put the cat out" and the reply was always "why, is it on fire" :D
 
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
 
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will".

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
 
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.

"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
 

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At this wedding, there was a child that walked down the aisle and every two steps he stopped, put his hands up in the air like claws, and gave a little roar.

So it kept going. Step Step Roar, Step Step Roar.

When he finally got to the altar the guests were in tears, laughing.

When asked why he was doing this he said, "I was the ring bear!"
 
As heard in the courtroom (part 2):

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

His mother asked, "What’s the matter now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.

"That’s not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
 
If you're Australian when you go into the bathroom, and Australian when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European.
 

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rustyg70 said:
If you're Australian when you go into the bathroom, and Australian when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European.
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First, you're Russian.

Then European.

And now, you're Finnish.

You're not feeling so Hungary now after all the Greece on the food.
 

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