Drugs Are Bad Mackay?
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Present: Stephen Trigg (CEO), David Burtenshaw (Media & Communications) and Neil Craig (Senior Coach)
(Stephen Trigg and David Burtenshaw are seated at the table. Neil enters)
Stephen Trigg: Here he is!
David Burtenshaw: Neil Craig, c’mon down!
Neil Craig: …err… g’day fellas. How are you? (Neil sits down)
Stephen Trigg: We’re great! Thanks to you.
David Burtenshaw: Mmm-mmmm. Love that positive press.
Stephen Trigg: Finals, here we come!
Neil Craig: Gee… you guys are in a good mood.
Stephen Trigg: You’re not wrong. Have you been listening to talkback this week? The public is all over you. They love this backs-to-the-wall stuff.
David Burtenshaw: Neil, you’re red hot right now. We were down and out, now we’re flying.
Stephen Trigg: We can ride this wave of popularity all the way into September if we play our cards right.
David Burtenshaw: We want to get your image out there, Neil. Radio, tv, newspapers… it needs to be all Neil, Neil, Neil. Really saturate the market. And you should hear some of the other ideas we’ve come up with.
Neil Craig: We probably shouldn’t get too far ahead of ourselves-
Stephen Trigg: I’ve got some more good news, Neil.
Neil Craig: Oh?
Stephen Trigg: The Board has commissioned a solid gold statue of you to be built outside the Westpac Centre.
David Burtenshaw: What an honour.
Neil Craig: They were going to sack me a month ago.
Stephen Trigg: Try to stay in the present, Neil.
Neil Craig: Hold on a minute. Last week you said you didn’t want us to make the finals because it would mean we would cop too much criticism for being inconsistent.
David Burtenshaw: Well, we were wrong. We misjudged the public reaction big time.
Stephen Trigg: They're not complaining or anything. No one’s even asking how a team that’s won 7 out of 10 could possibly lose to Carlton and Melbourne.
David Burtenshaw: And Port.
Stephen Trigg: Besides, we didn’t think you’d beat Geelong anyway.
David Burtenshaw: Change is in the air, Neil. The club is fashionable again, you are fashionable. Everyone wants a piece of you.
Stephen Trigg: We need to drive home this advantage and make sure we get some mileage out of it.
David Burtenshaw: The coaching from the bench stuff has gone down a treat. That footage of you with your arms around Danger and Sloaney? Gold. People love seeing that sort of coach-player relationship.
Neil Craig: Relationship? I was just trying to keep warm. Todd stole my jumper again-
Stephen Trigg: It doesn’t matter. You’re a genius again. You’ve got a real cult status among the fans now… almost a superhero status in fact.
David Burtenshaw: And there’s only one thing that goes along with superhero status.
Neil Craig: What’s that?
David Burtenshaw: A superhero outfit. Neil… would you have any issue wearing a cape?
Neil Craig: Sorry… run that by me again?
David Burtenshaw: A cape in Crows colours with “NC” on it. You’d wear it to games and we could sell replica capes to fans.
Stephen Trigg: Could we sell action figures?
David Burtenshaw: I hadn’t thought of action figures but… letmesee YES!! That’s a great idea.
Stephen Trigg: Would action figures be more popular than replica capes?
David Burtenshaw: Hmmm… we could do both?
Stephen Trigg: We could do both.
Neil Craig: Why on earth would I wear a cape?
David Burtenshaw: Neil, the public loves you right now. We need to pander to the masses here and give the public what it wants. It has been a pretty bleak winter for South Aussie football fans. Now we’re a chance for a premiership.
Neil Craig: I think you guys are getting carried away here. Sure it was a good win last Friday and we’ve got a sniff of finals. But we are still 10th with some tough games to come. I think the cape would really send the wrong message to the players.
David Burtenshaw: Ok, you don’t like the cape idea. We’ll scratch that one. But I know how you love Plan B’s so I prepared a fall back option. You know how you’ve been wearing a polo shirt down on the boundary? That opens up another huge opportunity for you.
Neil Craig: What opportunity?
David Burtenshaw: A sleeve tattoo.
Neil Craig: I’m not getting one of those.
David Burtenshaw: C’mon, Neil. Sleeve tattoos are all the rage at the moment. Think of the street cred one of those would buy.
Stephen Trigg: Could we run some sort of fan competition where they send in design entries?
David Burtenshaw: I love it.
Neil Craig: Guys? Sorry to disappoint you but I’m not getting a sleeve tattoo. They’re vulgar and crass.
David Burtenshaw: Ok Neil.
Stephen Trigg: We respect that.
David Burtenshaw: So… it looks like we’re back on the superhero outfit then. The cape is only the first installment. We’ve almost finished designing a one-piece lycra suit.
Stephen Trigg: (skeptical) Those things aren’t all that flattering. Did you ever see Billy on the Footy Show?
David Burtenshaw: You’re right… we might need you to lose a few pounds, Neil. Or at least wear a girdle.
Neil Craig: This is all pretty humiliating.
Stephen Trigg: That’s the price of success, Neil.
Neil Craig: If my popularity is going up that’s great, but it is going up because we are winning. Not because of any of these cheap gimmicks you’re suggesting. Surely if I keep coaching well and we keep winning, the popularity will follow. Right?
Stephen Trigg: Wrong.
David Burtenshaw: The papers aren’t going to spend all week talking about how great a win it was.
Stephen Trigg: Yeah, the positive press from a win only lasts up until Monday. After that you need some publicity stunts to keep the ball rolling through the week.
David Burtenshaw: Neil, this opportunity is too good to miss. Listen to this latest word association data we’ve got back; (reading) respect… admiration.. exciting… stirring… electrifying… that’s what I’m hearing out on the street. These are words that have never been associated with you before.
Stephen Trigg: I’ve never heard any of them.
David Burtenshaw: Still on the superhero theme, we could rig up a flying fox between the coaches box and the bench. At the start of the game you could come flying down to the interchange. A grand entrance to really get the crowd going.
Stephen Trigg: Might the cape get tangled in the harness?
David Burtenshaw: Hmmm… possibly. But that actually fits in well with the ‘take a risk’ ethos Neil has instilled in this month’s game plan.
Neil Craig: What do you mean “this month’s game plan?” The game plan hasn’t changed, we’re just executing it better.
Stephen Trigg: Yeah, sure Neil.
David Burtenshaw: It’s the Showdown this week too, so if we’re going to ramp up the publicity, now is the time to do it. A couple of months ago their fans were waving wooden spoons at us, Williams was saying they were going up and we were going down… now it’s all turned around.
Neil Craig: I still think we should remain sportsmanlike and dignified. We don’t want to sink to their level.
Stephen Trigg: Wrong again, Neil.
David Burtenshaw: They’re down, they’ve sacked their coach. This is exactly the time to really rub it in.
Stephen Trigg: You couldn’t script it any better.
David Burtenshaw: This is our chance to really give it to Port once and for all.
Stephen Trigg: What did you have in mind?
David Burtenshaw: Now, this might sound a little outlandish at first-
Neil Craig: The flying fox wasn’t outlandish?
David Burtenshaw: But what if Neil did a pressed ham up against the coaches box window?
Neil Craig: A what?
David Burtenshaw: A pressed ham. You know, moon the camera and press your buttocks up against the glass. You could write “Port” across your backside to make it really obvious that you’re sticking it to them.
Stephen Trigg: Actually could we just have “P” on one cheek and “RT” on the other?
David Burtenshaw: Good thinking. That would save on printing costs.
Neil Craig: Stephen, what about all that stuff you said in the paper about the Footy Gods and our fans not bringing wooden spoons?
Stephen Trigg: No one will expect it now.
David Burtenshaw: Maximum impact.
Stephen Trigg: Hang on… How is Neil going to do the pressed ham if he’s wearing a one-piece lycra suit?
David Burtenshaw: Damn… we’re going to have to install a button-up flap in the back. Actually that would be handy if you need to go to the toilet during the game.
Stephen Trigg: Also, wouldn’t he need to do the pressed ham from the coaches box? How is he going to do it if he’s coaching from the boundary?
David Burtenshaw: Maybe we could use the flying fox to whizz him back up there during the last quarter. How hard would it be to design a two-way flying fox?
Stephen Trigg: Perhaps some sort of pulley-system? The other coaches could reel him in.
David Burtenshaw: That might work. Neil, how much do you weigh? Or don’t the scales go up that high!
Stephen Trigg: Todd’s pretty powerful.
David Burtenshaw: (glances at Neil) Hmmm… he’d have to be the World’s Strongest Man though. I don’t think it’s going to work. I mean, just look at those thighs…
Stephen Trigg: Yeah, we don’t want it sagging down so that you clip the heads of the members.
David Burtenshaw: The pulley might be going a bit too far.
Neil Craig: Well I’m glad to finally hear some common sense-
David Burtenshaw: How about a jet-pack? We could launch you back up the flying fox from ground level.
Stephen Trigg: Wouldn’t the cape catch fire?
David Burtenshaw: (pounds fist on table) Damn! We were so close.
Neil Craig: (mutters) I don’t recall Leigh Matthews having to do any of this stuff at Lions…
Stephen Trigg: Neil, Leigh Matthews was a legend as a player and was already premiership coach when he went to Brisbane. He had credibility.
Neil Craig: So to gain some credibility I need to pull my pants down on camera. Is that what you’re saying?
David Burtenshaw:Glad to hear you’re finally coming around.
Stephen Trigg: David, I still love this flying fox idea, even without the jet-pack.
David Burtenshaw: Me too. Wouldn’t it be great if you started the game up in the box but if we ever got in trouble or fell behind you could come flying down - “Neil to the rescue!”
Stephen Trigg: The crowd would go ballistic.
David Burtenshaw: We could have music playing as you flew down.
Stephen Trigg: The Indiana Jones Theme?
David Burtenshaw: I was thinking Baywatch but that’s even better. Indiana Craig.
Stephen Trigg: Actually… could we have it so that the 19th Man summons you? In times of need we could flash a big “19” up against the sky.
David Burtenshaw: Like the bat signal?
Stephen Trigg: Yeah. Think how amazing it would look during night games.
David Burtenshaw: Actually, we could either go with “19” or even a big “NC.” What do you think, Neil?
Neil Craig: …
David Burtenshaw: Neil?
Neil Craig: Don’t have a preference actually David. Because I’m not doing any of this rubbish.
Stephen Trigg: Neil, c’mon. Lifting the profile of the club is everyone’s responsibility. We can’t just leave it up to the marketing department.
David Burtenshaw: I know everything has been a bit left-field this morning. We do have some more down-to-earth ideas too if you want to hear them?
Neil Craig: I’m almost afraid to ask.
David Burtenshaw: Reality television. The public wants to see more of you but the only chance they really get is during your press conferences. And - no offense, Neil - but they’re a little BOOORRR-ING.
Stephen Trigg: With a capital B. They all blend into each other. By the time you’ve finished your answer everyone’s forgotten what the question was.
David Burtenshaw: Most 5AA listeners switch over to Triple M during the presser so that they can catch the Worst On Ground votes.
Stephen Trigg: Yeah, I do that.
David Burtenshaw: There are some huge reality tv opportunities out there to boost your profile. Do you like dancing?
Neil Craig: Wha-? No, I don’t like dancing.
Stephen Trigg: What about cooking? Those Master Chef things are very popular.
David Burtenshaw: What’s your singing voice like?
Neil Craig: Can I stop you there? I’m not doing any of this garbage. I’m a football coach. All I’m going to do is to keep coaching football.
David Burtenshaw: Ok, no cooking, no singing, no dancing… (long pause)Do you think your wife would mind if you went on a few blind dates?
Neil Craig: Thanks guys. I’m leaving.
(Neil exits the room)
David Burtenshaw: Neil, wait. (calling after him) Do you need your bathroom re-tiled?
Stephen Trigg: What’s your backyard like? Have you still got that rose garden?
David Burtenshaw: Neil?! Have you ever seen Jackass?
(Stephen Trigg and David Burtenshaw are seated at the table. Neil enters)
Stephen Trigg: Here he is!
David Burtenshaw: Neil Craig, c’mon down!
Neil Craig: …err… g’day fellas. How are you? (Neil sits down)
Stephen Trigg: We’re great! Thanks to you.
David Burtenshaw: Mmm-mmmm. Love that positive press.
Stephen Trigg: Finals, here we come!
Neil Craig: Gee… you guys are in a good mood.
Stephen Trigg: You’re not wrong. Have you been listening to talkback this week? The public is all over you. They love this backs-to-the-wall stuff.
David Burtenshaw: Neil, you’re red hot right now. We were down and out, now we’re flying.
Stephen Trigg: We can ride this wave of popularity all the way into September if we play our cards right.
David Burtenshaw: We want to get your image out there, Neil. Radio, tv, newspapers… it needs to be all Neil, Neil, Neil. Really saturate the market. And you should hear some of the other ideas we’ve come up with.
Neil Craig: We probably shouldn’t get too far ahead of ourselves-
Stephen Trigg: I’ve got some more good news, Neil.
Neil Craig: Oh?
Stephen Trigg: The Board has commissioned a solid gold statue of you to be built outside the Westpac Centre.
David Burtenshaw: What an honour.
Neil Craig: They were going to sack me a month ago.
Stephen Trigg: Try to stay in the present, Neil.
Neil Craig: Hold on a minute. Last week you said you didn’t want us to make the finals because it would mean we would cop too much criticism for being inconsistent.
David Burtenshaw: Well, we were wrong. We misjudged the public reaction big time.
Stephen Trigg: They're not complaining or anything. No one’s even asking how a team that’s won 7 out of 10 could possibly lose to Carlton and Melbourne.
David Burtenshaw: And Port.
Stephen Trigg: Besides, we didn’t think you’d beat Geelong anyway.
David Burtenshaw: Change is in the air, Neil. The club is fashionable again, you are fashionable. Everyone wants a piece of you.
Stephen Trigg: We need to drive home this advantage and make sure we get some mileage out of it.
David Burtenshaw: The coaching from the bench stuff has gone down a treat. That footage of you with your arms around Danger and Sloaney? Gold. People love seeing that sort of coach-player relationship.
Neil Craig: Relationship? I was just trying to keep warm. Todd stole my jumper again-
Stephen Trigg: It doesn’t matter. You’re a genius again. You’ve got a real cult status among the fans now… almost a superhero status in fact.
David Burtenshaw: And there’s only one thing that goes along with superhero status.
Neil Craig: What’s that?
David Burtenshaw: A superhero outfit. Neil… would you have any issue wearing a cape?
Neil Craig: Sorry… run that by me again?
David Burtenshaw: A cape in Crows colours with “NC” on it. You’d wear it to games and we could sell replica capes to fans.
Stephen Trigg: Could we sell action figures?
David Burtenshaw: I hadn’t thought of action figures but… letmesee YES!! That’s a great idea.
Stephen Trigg: Would action figures be more popular than replica capes?
David Burtenshaw: Hmmm… we could do both?
Stephen Trigg: We could do both.
Neil Craig: Why on earth would I wear a cape?
David Burtenshaw: Neil, the public loves you right now. We need to pander to the masses here and give the public what it wants. It has been a pretty bleak winter for South Aussie football fans. Now we’re a chance for a premiership.
Neil Craig: I think you guys are getting carried away here. Sure it was a good win last Friday and we’ve got a sniff of finals. But we are still 10th with some tough games to come. I think the cape would really send the wrong message to the players.
David Burtenshaw: Ok, you don’t like the cape idea. We’ll scratch that one. But I know how you love Plan B’s so I prepared a fall back option. You know how you’ve been wearing a polo shirt down on the boundary? That opens up another huge opportunity for you.
Neil Craig: What opportunity?
David Burtenshaw: A sleeve tattoo.
Neil Craig: I’m not getting one of those.
David Burtenshaw: C’mon, Neil. Sleeve tattoos are all the rage at the moment. Think of the street cred one of those would buy.
Stephen Trigg: Could we run some sort of fan competition where they send in design entries?
David Burtenshaw: I love it.
Neil Craig: Guys? Sorry to disappoint you but I’m not getting a sleeve tattoo. They’re vulgar and crass.
David Burtenshaw: Ok Neil.
Stephen Trigg: We respect that.
David Burtenshaw: So… it looks like we’re back on the superhero outfit then. The cape is only the first installment. We’ve almost finished designing a one-piece lycra suit.
Stephen Trigg: (skeptical) Those things aren’t all that flattering. Did you ever see Billy on the Footy Show?
David Burtenshaw: You’re right… we might need you to lose a few pounds, Neil. Or at least wear a girdle.
Neil Craig: This is all pretty humiliating.
Stephen Trigg: That’s the price of success, Neil.
Neil Craig: If my popularity is going up that’s great, but it is going up because we are winning. Not because of any of these cheap gimmicks you’re suggesting. Surely if I keep coaching well and we keep winning, the popularity will follow. Right?
Stephen Trigg: Wrong.
David Burtenshaw: The papers aren’t going to spend all week talking about how great a win it was.
Stephen Trigg: Yeah, the positive press from a win only lasts up until Monday. After that you need some publicity stunts to keep the ball rolling through the week.
David Burtenshaw: Neil, this opportunity is too good to miss. Listen to this latest word association data we’ve got back; (reading) respect… admiration.. exciting… stirring… electrifying… that’s what I’m hearing out on the street. These are words that have never been associated with you before.
Stephen Trigg: I’ve never heard any of them.
David Burtenshaw: Still on the superhero theme, we could rig up a flying fox between the coaches box and the bench. At the start of the game you could come flying down to the interchange. A grand entrance to really get the crowd going.
Stephen Trigg: Might the cape get tangled in the harness?
David Burtenshaw: Hmmm… possibly. But that actually fits in well with the ‘take a risk’ ethos Neil has instilled in this month’s game plan.
Neil Craig: What do you mean “this month’s game plan?” The game plan hasn’t changed, we’re just executing it better.
Stephen Trigg: Yeah, sure Neil.
David Burtenshaw: It’s the Showdown this week too, so if we’re going to ramp up the publicity, now is the time to do it. A couple of months ago their fans were waving wooden spoons at us, Williams was saying they were going up and we were going down… now it’s all turned around.
Neil Craig: I still think we should remain sportsmanlike and dignified. We don’t want to sink to their level.
Stephen Trigg: Wrong again, Neil.
David Burtenshaw: They’re down, they’ve sacked their coach. This is exactly the time to really rub it in.
Stephen Trigg: You couldn’t script it any better.
David Burtenshaw: This is our chance to really give it to Port once and for all.
Stephen Trigg: What did you have in mind?
David Burtenshaw: Now, this might sound a little outlandish at first-
Neil Craig: The flying fox wasn’t outlandish?
David Burtenshaw: But what if Neil did a pressed ham up against the coaches box window?
Neil Craig: A what?
David Burtenshaw: A pressed ham. You know, moon the camera and press your buttocks up against the glass. You could write “Port” across your backside to make it really obvious that you’re sticking it to them.
Stephen Trigg: Actually could we just have “P” on one cheek and “RT” on the other?
David Burtenshaw: Good thinking. That would save on printing costs.
Neil Craig: Stephen, what about all that stuff you said in the paper about the Footy Gods and our fans not bringing wooden spoons?
Stephen Trigg: No one will expect it now.
David Burtenshaw: Maximum impact.
Stephen Trigg: Hang on… How is Neil going to do the pressed ham if he’s wearing a one-piece lycra suit?
David Burtenshaw: Damn… we’re going to have to install a button-up flap in the back. Actually that would be handy if you need to go to the toilet during the game.
Stephen Trigg: Also, wouldn’t he need to do the pressed ham from the coaches box? How is he going to do it if he’s coaching from the boundary?
David Burtenshaw: Maybe we could use the flying fox to whizz him back up there during the last quarter. How hard would it be to design a two-way flying fox?
Stephen Trigg: Perhaps some sort of pulley-system? The other coaches could reel him in.
David Burtenshaw: That might work. Neil, how much do you weigh? Or don’t the scales go up that high!
Stephen Trigg: Todd’s pretty powerful.
David Burtenshaw: (glances at Neil) Hmmm… he’d have to be the World’s Strongest Man though. I don’t think it’s going to work. I mean, just look at those thighs…
Stephen Trigg: Yeah, we don’t want it sagging down so that you clip the heads of the members.
David Burtenshaw: The pulley might be going a bit too far.
Neil Craig: Well I’m glad to finally hear some common sense-
David Burtenshaw: How about a jet-pack? We could launch you back up the flying fox from ground level.
Stephen Trigg: Wouldn’t the cape catch fire?
David Burtenshaw: (pounds fist on table) Damn! We were so close.
Neil Craig: (mutters) I don’t recall Leigh Matthews having to do any of this stuff at Lions…
Stephen Trigg: Neil, Leigh Matthews was a legend as a player and was already premiership coach when he went to Brisbane. He had credibility.
Neil Craig: So to gain some credibility I need to pull my pants down on camera. Is that what you’re saying?
David Burtenshaw:Glad to hear you’re finally coming around.
Stephen Trigg: David, I still love this flying fox idea, even without the jet-pack.
David Burtenshaw: Me too. Wouldn’t it be great if you started the game up in the box but if we ever got in trouble or fell behind you could come flying down - “Neil to the rescue!”
Stephen Trigg: The crowd would go ballistic.
David Burtenshaw: We could have music playing as you flew down.
Stephen Trigg: The Indiana Jones Theme?
David Burtenshaw: I was thinking Baywatch but that’s even better. Indiana Craig.
Stephen Trigg: Actually… could we have it so that the 19th Man summons you? In times of need we could flash a big “19” up against the sky.
David Burtenshaw: Like the bat signal?
Stephen Trigg: Yeah. Think how amazing it would look during night games.
David Burtenshaw: Actually, we could either go with “19” or even a big “NC.” What do you think, Neil?
Neil Craig: …
David Burtenshaw: Neil?
Neil Craig: Don’t have a preference actually David. Because I’m not doing any of this rubbish.
Stephen Trigg: Neil, c’mon. Lifting the profile of the club is everyone’s responsibility. We can’t just leave it up to the marketing department.
David Burtenshaw: I know everything has been a bit left-field this morning. We do have some more down-to-earth ideas too if you want to hear them?
Neil Craig: I’m almost afraid to ask.
David Burtenshaw: Reality television. The public wants to see more of you but the only chance they really get is during your press conferences. And - no offense, Neil - but they’re a little BOOORRR-ING.
Stephen Trigg: With a capital B. They all blend into each other. By the time you’ve finished your answer everyone’s forgotten what the question was.
David Burtenshaw: Most 5AA listeners switch over to Triple M during the presser so that they can catch the Worst On Ground votes.
Stephen Trigg: Yeah, I do that.
David Burtenshaw: There are some huge reality tv opportunities out there to boost your profile. Do you like dancing?
Neil Craig: Wha-? No, I don’t like dancing.
Stephen Trigg: What about cooking? Those Master Chef things are very popular.
David Burtenshaw: What’s your singing voice like?
Neil Craig: Can I stop you there? I’m not doing any of this garbage. I’m a football coach. All I’m going to do is to keep coaching football.
David Burtenshaw: Ok, no cooking, no singing, no dancing… (long pause)Do you think your wife would mind if you went on a few blind dates?
Neil Craig: Thanks guys. I’m leaving.
(Neil exits the room)
David Burtenshaw: Neil, wait. (calling after him) Do you need your bathroom re-tiled?
Stephen Trigg: What’s your backyard like? Have you still got that rose garden?
David Burtenshaw: Neil?! Have you ever seen Jackass?
