Metal Sub-Genres Explained

[cold toaster]

Courtesy of SMH, thought this was awesome!

The story is, there's a beautiful princess trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon. This is how the story would play out, depending on the metal genre of the knight:

POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f--ks her.

HEAVY / CLASSIC METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f--ks the princess.

FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave without the princess.

VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f--ks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he *******es the princess, and drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, f--ks the princess and kills her. Then he f--ks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f--ks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f--ks it for the last time.

DOOM: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

PROGRESSIVE (PROG) METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year at the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist."

 

[bunsen burner]

Poison: rides to the castle on a Harley wearing bottomless chaps, *******es the dragon, leaves the princess to herself whilst they masturbate over each other. Open up and say ahhh.

 

[Roddy]

Nice one, lol!

 

[lyall]

Some Great stuff there

 

[Sandoval]

...

Yeah, there are a few more. Here's the complete list.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and ****s her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and ****s the princess.

* SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* GRINDCORE
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely indecipherable for about 30 seconds, and then leaves.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, ****s the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, ****s the princess and kills her. Then he ****s the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he ****s the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and ****s it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a majestic warhorse, slays the dragon with his magic long sword, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

* EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny *** anyway.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, ****s the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.




I don't mean to steal your thunder, though. Just throwing some more out there.

 

[johnnyhoward]

Haha, that's gold!

Is Viking Metal actually a style of metal played by say, Scandinavian bands or is it just made for the purpose of that story?

 

[bunsen burner]

RHCP:

The protagonist arrives with his shirt off, sings a song off the new album and the princess falls asleep, then he rides away without his shirt on..

 

[bunsen burner]

New Punk:

The protagonists (let's call them Blink 182) arrives trying to look bad arse and punk but look closer to Leigh Harding, the dragon keels over and dies laughing, and the princess beats the pi ss out of all three of them.

 

[bunsen burner]

Girl Bands:

The protagonists arrive lip syncing and sync dancing, they give the dragon a massive blow job/suck balls/tounge hole combo, the dragon blows and drowns the princess. The girl band rides off with a recording contract.

 

[melbournemartin]

Very funny.

 

[melbournemartin]

Haha, that's gold!

Is Viking Metal actually a style of metal played by say, Scandinavian bands or is it just made for the purpose of that story?

Nah, it's real.

 

[Pessimistic]

Michael Jackson:

Censored - its too weird to put in an internet forum.

 

[bunsen burner]

Michael Jackson:

Censored - its too weird to put in an internet forum.

The protagonist arrives and fondles the baby dragon, the wanton princess flicks her hair back and gives Michael Jackson her best come to bed with me eyes. He goes home to make an appointment with his plastic surgeon.

 

[bunsen burner]

Alice Cooper:

The protagonist arrives (on stage), bites the dragons head off and drinks it's blood, the princess has her period. He goes down on her. She cries alone at night too often
He smokes and drinks and don't come home at all........

 

[cold toaster]

Haha, that's gold!

Is Viking Metal actually a style of metal played by say, Scandinavian bands or is it just made for the purpose of that story?

Check out a band called Amon Amarth

 

[emperor]

Haha, that's gold!

Is Viking Metal actually a style of metal played by say, Scandinavian bands or is it just made for the purpose of that story?

Yep, it's a genre alright pioneered by Bathory (Swedish). Primarily played by Scandinavians. A mighty good genre too I might add

 

[emperor]

Check out a band called Amon Amarth

Them too

 

[SydneyBomber]

Yep, it's a genre alright pioneered by Bathory (Swedish). Primarily played by Scandinavians. A mighty good genre too I might add

not to mention the 'northern hordes' hailing from grim icy places like texas (usa) haha.

 

[Woodson]

Alice Cooper:

The protagonist arrives (on stage), bites the dragons head off and drinks it's blood, the princess has her period. He goes down on her. She cries alone at night too often
He smokes and drinks and don't come home at all........

GOLD

 

[Minkus_Swan]

Check out a band called Amon Amarth

Unfortunately I couldn't find any pics of Johan when he had that huge beer gut a couple of years ago.

Great live band though. They occassionally have short people/viking battles around the stage during intervals during sets.

 

[Minkus_Swan]

not to mention the 'northern hordes' hailing from grim icy places like texas (usa) haha.

I'm pretty sure there's a sydney band currently having a bash at viking metal as well, named Norse...

 

[SydneyBomber]

I'm pretty sure there's a sydney band currently having a bash at viking metal as well, named Norse...

yep, friend of a friend knows 'em and their guitarist (?) played us some of a recording they were doing which actually sounded pretty good.

as tempting as it was, I just couldn't bring myself to ask him why they choose such a gay name though

 

[oxx]

Brilliant.

Yeah, there are a few more. Here's the complete list.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and ****s her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and ****s the princess.

* SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* GRINDCORE
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely indecipherable for about 30 seconds, and then leaves.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, ****s the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, ****s the princess and kills her. Then he ****s the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he ****s the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and ****s it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a majestic warhorse, slays the dragon with his magic long sword, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

* EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny *** anyway.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, ****s the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.




I don't mean to steal your thunder, though. Just throwing some more out there.

 

[NoelMugavin]

what about false metal?

 

[Roddy]

What about post emo technical hardcore acid punk funk tribal screamo Metal?