Vintage Bay Mofra's Bottom 50 - 2014 Edition

[leobarryustar]

Butcher would be looking to move up the rankings this year. 5 games, 3 goals, av 9 disposals per game. 6 years on Port's list for 28 games after being no. 8 draft pick (Port could have got Fyfe or Talia instead)

 

[Mofra]

(Port could have got Fyfe or Talia instead)

Or Christian Howard

 

[TedDougChris]

Or Christian Howard

Surely he's due an honourary spot, even after delisting.......

 

[royals1922]

Butcher would be looking to move up the rankings this year. 5 games, 3 goals, av 9 disposals per game. 6 years on Port's list for 28 games after being no. 8 draft pick (Port could have got Fyfe or Talia instead)

Given Butchers last game, he's a lock for top 5.

 

[Tippett2Goal]

Given Butchers last game, he's a lock for top 5.

Surely he gets some sort of discount for aptness of name

 

[Werewolf]

Given Butchers last game, he's a lock for top 5.

I went to the Port game on Saturday... how Butcher got drafted with that diabolical kicking action is beyond me

 

[Sully90]

Sheridan ahead of him?

Sheridan's actually one of our most improved players this year running off the half back in the best 22. Crozier has all the talent in the world but prefers to be 2 steps behind his opponent at all times.

 

[DrEvil_]

Player #2 - Ryan Schoenmakers
View attachment 94261
Pictured: Biceps & a man-bun and no idea about football, i.e. a hipster

Ryan Schoenmakers is a walking clanger-fest who has been carried more during his career than Black Caviar's jockey.

Nicknamed "Drago" from the Rocky IV movies, Hawks players are acutely aware that Drago had huge biceps yet despite every available advantage was a loser when it counted. A nickname could hardly be more fitting (the back-up, "Schoenclangers", is also just as fitting as a Julian Clary jumpsuit).
Simpsons fans know what I mean:
View attachment 94262
Pictured: Less fitting than Ryan's nicknames.

At least one Jetta got a mention on this list for winning the Leon Davis Medal in 2014 - 'Drago' went a step further and was the worst player in a VFL Grand Final, being absolutely pantsed by Bottom 50 listees Ayce Cordy & Liam Jones, and the rookie-listed "2 goals in 3 games as the sole focal point of the F50" Jack Redpath (who is likely to appear in the Bottom 50 if by some sheer miracle he ever gets close to 20 senior AFL appearances). Fellow Bottom 50 lister Mark Austin performed far better that day, so Schoey is an absolute deserving placing here.

Just to state, for the record, Schoenmakers was actually so bad that the Premiership-winning team actually wanted, even for a brief moment, Mark Austin on their list - and event less likely at the start of the year than Jodie Foster buying a pinball machine factory.

If getting smacked by rookie-listed Bulldogs KPFs wasn't bad enough (jeez if felt good typing that), Ryan spent most of the year being swung around the ground to where he could do the least damage: he played forward when he was assured to be matched up on the 6th defender (although this only resulted in goals in 4 of his 15 games) or placed in defence, where he was either destroyed by forwards (too weak in the core to play on legitimate KPFs, too slow to play on leading forwards). Basically (brace yourselves Richmond fans) Drago is the anti-Rance; not suitable at defending against any real forward in the AFL.
His woeful decision-making and skill level by foot means that what he lacks in defensive ability, he nowhere near makes up for in rebounding presence. The VFL strategy against Box Hill for opposition teams tends to be "kick it at Drago" which allowed a bottom 5 aligned team playing with WRFL top-ups to defeat the eventual premiership aligned side during September.

But... but... butt... cried the Hawks during their pre-emptive meltdowns (although in at least one case, they probably were day-dreaming and muttered "Butt butt butt"). "He kicked 4 goals in a game of football against St Kilda and then shut Riewoldt out of the game in the second half". Ok, let's take a look at the only defence a few hawk believers have in "the 'clang" (it's no "Spang" but shaddup, it might catch-on).
View attachment 94271
Pictured: Impassioned Hawks posting in this thread

The game was on 3rd of May 2014. Hawthorn won that game 175-30, an absolute shellacking in which any player worth their salt on the Hawks team could have performed well. The Clang (excluding the sub) was bottom 5 for touches that day, and with an avalance of inside 50s was one of 4 Hawks talls to nab 4 goals - and he was obviously on the weakest St Kilda defender, given Roughy, Hale & Gunston also played. His second half (on Riewoldt) was spent in the Hawks defence where the ball managed to go barely a few times - boredom was a bigger danger than an opponent that day. He was back to his clangery best in the following weeks and was dropped for the AFL final series.

So there was have it - despite being a first round draft pick (true!) Clangers is a depth KPP player at a club who as a result of Clang's presence have chased KPDs hard over the years, making big offers to Lake & Frawley in the time Clangers has been a mature player available for selection at the Hawks.

He was a lock for pick 1 in many eyes as a Kosi-like selection for the Bottom 50 until someone truly special stepped up, so take this selection and run with it Clang - you sucked so hard this year you couldn't even win the Bottom 50.

Hey hey hey, fast forward one year and Schoenmakers is voted the sexiest man in a winning GF.

 

[SterlingArcher]

He was still shit last year

 

[SaintsSeptember]

I went to the Port game on Saturday... how Butcher got drafted with that diabolical kicking action is beyond me

Its not like his name wasn't a warning to potential recruiters.

 

[Mofra]

Hey hey hey, fast forward one year and Schoenmakers is voted the sexiest man in a winning GF.

That's a weird claim to fame.
Like being the "best groomed garbo", or the "coolest BF mod"

 

[FreoRicci]

Schoenmakers says Hi.

 

[____]

Player 37 - Mitch Robinson

View attachment 83807
Pictured: Mitch looking comfortable in his natural environment.

Mitch Robinson is a former Carlton player who has the self-discipline of a stray cat drinking espresso.
He is currently being shopped around by the team that finished 13th on the AFL ladder, missing the finals yet again (9th* appearances don't count) since the AFL decided to outlaw cheating.

Mitch is sometime described as being "hard at the ball" but "hard at the bar" would be a better description. He seems to do his best work off the field, showing a propensity for fighting, staying out late, and basically doing the things footballers are expected to avoid.
Including taking ridiculous wigga photos:

View attachment 83813

Anyway, his 2014 season. Suspended three times, got some of the ball in a few games (generally bottom 8 sides: averaged 16 or so touches excluding one game where he downhill skied his way to 31 possies against GWS), and then lied to the club about a 5am brawl involving noted disciplinarian and hard-man, Jeff Gartlett. He did managed a 7th in the B&F in 2011 but it's been all downhill since then - and his career may well be over before he really got going.

So Mitch, how many rival teams have expressed interest in you so far?
View attachment 83815

Sums it up.
Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2014 Mitch.

Alright, I'll be serious this time

Player #27 - Jarrad "Potential "Waite


Pictured: Jarrad potentially kicking the ball

Jarrad Waite is a former Carlton player who at the age of 31 has potential and may come good according to the Carlton board prior to free agency period this year. Jump on the Carlton board if you like, they're a friendly welcoming bunch who enjoy the opinions of opposition supporters.

Waite spent most of this year sucking while Carlton fans spent a large portion of their time trying to justify why a fringe 31 year old who isn't in the best 22 doesn't suck.

He was dropped twice during the year, and got to play Port Adelaide twice too, almost getting double digit disposals in each game. He almost averaged 14.5 disposals per game, almost a couple of goals per game, almost 3 tackles per game and almost fulfilled his potential in a few games. He is an almost footballer who almost made the most of his potential.

Jarrad is one of the few players whom we can accurately judge the value of, being a free agent. North Melbourne signed him, and the AFL determined he was worth...

... zilch. Nada. Nothing. The game's officiating body decided Waite was not worth the Waite (see what I did there?) and his value equates to the number of times people have thought "witty comeback Bombers 2003". GWS paid more for Setanta O'hAilpin. Let that sink in for a moment.

Waite did actually play a few decent games this year, but this only served to highlight what could of been and to torture Carlton fans, so Jarrad's probably a decent bloke.

Fun fact: Jarrad Waite was the first player in AFL history to be subbed off under the AFL sub rule. He also has a girlfriend named something-Sprong (seriously) who was on some shitful reality TV show about WAGs in the media. I'm sure it was insightful and intelligent viewing.

Anyway, good luck playing for Werribee next year Jarrad and welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2014.

Funny how both these players improve dramatically after joining the exers

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Funny how both these players improve dramatically after joining the exers

Everyone sees the light when they join The Exers.

It is a place where dreams are realised and potential is achieved.

 

[Montana2Rice]

Bay, in the National Draft there is occasionally a player described as a 'once in a generation player', a clear no 1 who would be the no 1 in the previous draft and the one after it. Kosi was a clear cut no 1 last year but every knew this months out so there was little suspense. This year, with Shoey just missing the no 1 spot, the surprise is back (although a few guessed correctly).

So with the Bottom 50 this year - the no 1 this year has to be mentioned as probably to worse no 1 of any list (mine, or Ruderrection's past efforts).

A spud so spudly that they transcend time, space, common sense and.... rules themselves.

So without further ado, let me present to you:

Player #1 - Josh Bootsma


Pictured: Stay classy, Josh

Josh Boo.. whoa, ease up!
Yeah, I know he didn't make it to 20 games and didn't play this year. As I mentioned, Josh transcends these rules for two reasons:

a. Bootsma was absolutely woeful in his 2013 games which were granted to him purely for development purposes, something even Carlton fans will acknowledge
2. He is the least professional footballer since... Carlton sacked a couple of blokes named Robinson & Gartlett, who were the least professional footballers since Carlton sacked a couple of bloke names Angwin and Norman, although another player - coincidentally, a Carlton player, pissed on a few shop windows (and a bar) in between them.
D. His journey to 20 games was entirely halted due to self-destruction. Not youth or development. Allow me to explain.

28 July 2013. Josh Bootsma (much to the dismay of Carlton fans) is selected to play the Gold Coast Suns at Metricon Stadium. He fakes an 'illness', too sick to even watch the game, and while his teammates are busting a gut he pisses off to the beach with his girlfriend, posting images on social media (he's clearly about as bright as the lovechild of Bombers 2003 and Croat tiger ).

View attachment 94475
Pictured: Why yes, that is a baby bump. There is a little Bootsma on the way

Ok he cares little about football and some would say there is a morally right angle in refusing to play for the Blues - but couldn't that mean he's just really, really devoted to his girlfriend?
Oh no, you couldn't be more wrong if you were a Footy Show fan who describes Sam Newman as "contemporary and witty", or Bay 13 mods as "valued posters who do job for the love of it and not the coke and Thai hookers Chief, the most stable genius,a puts on at the end of year mod-ball".
View attachment 94478
Pictured: 2011 was an exceptionally wild celebration

Josh Bootsma was sacked on 4 June 2014 for "social media misuse" which is a term that underplays his actions as much as calling a rapist a "sexual assaultist".
Refer to picture 1. This is an actual example of what Josh was sending to a teenager, while his girlfriend was pregnant, while his career was on a knife-edge at Carlton, after he had been warned for social media misuse, after his professionalism was queried for missing meetings and being late to training.

It reminds me of the story of the guy that tried to commit suicide by dousing himself on fire, swallowing poison, putting a noose around his neck, jumping off a cliff and shooting himself in the head.... only to miss his head, shoot the rope, fall down the cliff into the ocean, the ocean doused the flames and the sudden cold shock of the water made him vomit the poison, where he was then rescued from drowning by some good Samaritans....

...only to die a few days later from hypothermia. Sometimes, despite repeated efforts, the fail takes a little timer to kick in.

This, my Bay friends, is why Josh qualifies as no 1 in the bottom the Bottom 50 for 2014. No player has done more to sabotage their own career since Liam Jurrah took up amateur surgery as a part time hobby.

"But wait Mofra, we know he was shit.... but how shit was he on the field?"

Well, let me say this: I would select Ryan Schoenmakers in any side over Josh Bootsma. Heck, as a KPD I'd select Tony Liberatore over Josh Bootsma. Tony Liberatore now, not in his playing days.

All in all we have the perfect storm of stupidity, carelessness, absent morality, poor professionalism, woeful ability, lack of application, stupid, stupid hair and based on everything else we've discussed he's probably got bad breath, is the kind of driver that pulls into the left hand lane at the lights then immediately tries to merge back into the right hand lane after the lights go green without giving a thank you wave, and stands on the right hand side of escalators. He probably can't even change a car tyre.
Oh, did I mention he was an early second round draft pick? Yep, just one more little cherry on top of the Josh Bootsma fail cake.

View attachment 94479
Pictured: Bootsma in dessert form

Ladies and gentlemen of Bay, I present to you the supreme spud for 2014 and arguably the greatest spud of the past decade: Joshua Bootsma

Sorry, late to the bay. Catching up slowly.

Aside from the general awesomeness of the thread, and this post, I want to like this a million times purely for the 2nd last paragraph mentioning those idiots that stand on the right hand side of escalators.

Off with their inconsiderate heads I say!!