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Vintage Bay Mofra's Bottom 50 for 2023

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Mofra said:
Player 49 - Lance Franklin
9755a8a70b680976fa7f0cce0d3fc24d

Pictured: Lance in one of his final training sessions, circa February 2023
Likes: Lance Franklin
Dislikes: Road markings

Lance 'Buddy' Franklin is one of the greatest players of all time, and like Game of Thrones his last season left a little bit to be desired.

Nicknamed Buddy by his dad who was also called Lance, one wonders why his dad just didn't call him Buddy in the first place as it would still not make the 20 worst names of AFL players in recent memory. For example, Sharrod Wellingham was named by combining his mum and dads' names - Sharon and Jarrod. His cousin, with parents named Shaun and Britt, fared much worse.

Buddy never really hit his previous lofty heights this year after signing a one year contract extension last year, which came after he miraculously saw out his monster 9 year, $10m deal to go to the Swans so they could win prelim finals. Alan Joyce would have had to be CEO of Qantas for almost 5 months to earn that much money, and judging by my recent flying experiences Qantas certainly doesn't carry as much baggage as Lance.

The contract extension came after a 5 disposal display in the 2022 Grand Final, a performance Gary Rohan described as "showing off".

Buddy managed 13 games this year, one for each goal he kicked in an incredible performance in 2012 against North Melbourne. It feels like that was only 14 priority picks ago for North, who at the time were coached by Brad Scott who has since moved to Tullamarine and knifed Dodoro. Given he has shown the capacity to kill the uinkillable, Brad Scott's next move should be to Queensland to work on the cane toad problem.

Back to Buddy. He was touch and go to play most weeks and Horse Longmire realised pretty quickly that his young, up and coming KPF talent was a better bet than relying on Buddy, although Simon Goodwin would still take odds. Buddy eventually finished up after suffering a calf injury in round 20 against Essendon, which despite not being a final Essendon still lost by 2 points.

Buddy 's last season will soon be forgotten but many of his incredible performances in past years wont be. He retires a legend of the game and if rumours are to be believed, the first Australian to have clocked Tinder back in his Hawthorn days.

Buddy, Lance, no 23. Thanks for the highlights and welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2023.
Click to expand...

"the first Australian to have clocked Tinder back in his Hawthorn days."

The standard has been set.

Whatever Chief is paying you Mof, its not enough!!
 
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Player 48 - Patrick Cripps
patrick-cripps-has-been-fined-1000-for-pulling-bailey-v0-hkecc1f21sza1.jpg

Pictured: Don't worry Bailey, he's only pulling your hair because he likes you

Likes: Sizzler
Hates: the 2018 premiership (sibling rivalry)

Patrick Cripps - he's a superstar! Had some monster games this year! What is he doing anywhere near this list?

Well, I did get to see Patrick in the flesh just once this year, and he was awful. It was the round 9 game against the Bulldogs, and Luke Beveridge sent ruckman/forward flanker Bailey Smith to Cripps, just to see how the Bulldogs' 7th best midfielder would go.
Cripps had a handful of touches in the second half as his formerly out of form opponent would kick 2 goals and blanket him, on the way to 30 touches and 57 instagram posts himself. Cripps then was fined for pulling Bailey's mullet, to showcase just how unAustralian Patrick is.

In fairness, Cripps would have been pretty pleased with his season. After playing 181 games without a finals appearance, Cripps would then go on to win two finals in his next two games because he hates Essendon.

His last game was a finals disaster in Brisbane where he racked up his lowest disposal count for the year (13, incl. 5 clangers). Sure he did lead them to finals glory twice but it doesn't count for too much when you show the AFL world you travel about as well as Shappelle Cordy. As a side note, Islamic Lesbian is a great name for a synth-pop band.

Anyway, in 2024 Patrick will sure to be looking to build on the successes of this year and maybe even retain Brownlow Medal eligibility again despite belting someone from behind then getting off on a technicality.

Patrick, kudos on your finals wins and welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2023.
 

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Mofra said:
Player 48 - Patrick Cripps

Pictured: Don't worry Bailey, he's only pulling your hair because he likes you


His last game was a finals disaster in Brisbane where he racked up his lowest disposal count for the year (13, incl. 5 clangers). Sure he did lead them to finals glory twice but it doesn't count for too much when you show the AFL world you travel about as well as Shappelle Cordy. As a side note, Islamic Lesbian is a great name for a synth-pop band.
Click to expand...

Freudian slip, Mof? 😄
 
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Mofra said:
Player 48 - Patrick Cripps
patrick-cripps-has-been-fined-1000-for-pulling-bailey-v0-hkecc1f21sza1.jpg

Pictured: Don't worry Bailey, he's only pulling your hair because he likes you

Likes: Sizzler
Hates: the 2018 premiership (sibling rivalry)

Patrick Cripps - he's a superstar! Had some monster games this year! What is he doing anywhere near this list?

Well, I did get to see Patrick in the flesh just once this year, and he was awful. It was the round 9 game against the Bulldogs, and Luke Beveridge sent ruckman/forward flanker Bailey Smith to Cripps, just to see how the Bulldogs' 7th best midfielder would go.
Cripps had a handful of touches in the second half as his formerly out of form opponent would kick 2 goals and blanket him, on the way to 30 touches and 57 instagram posts himself. Cripps then was fined for pulling Bailey's mullet, to showcase just how unAustralian Patrick is.

In fairness, Cripps would have been pretty pleased with his season. After playing 181 games without a finals appearance, Cripps would then go on to win two finals in his next two games because he hates Essendon.

His last game was a finals disaster in Brisbane where he racked up his lowest disposal count for the year (13, incl. 5 clangers). Sure he did lead them to finals glory twice but it doesn't count for too much when you show the AFL world you travel about as well as Shappelle Cordy. As a side note, Islamic Lesbian is a great name for a synth-pop band.

Anyway, in 2024 Patrick will sure to be looking to build on the successes of this year and maybe even retain Brownlow Medal eligibility again despite belting someone from behind then getting off on a technicality.

Patrick, kudos on your finals wins and welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2023.
Click to expand...
Oooooh, dis gonna kick off

Anticipation Popcorn GIF
 
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Player 47 - Darcy Parish
1b5e38a7c0edcc1439a935617906c510

Pictured: Darcy presents his keynote address at this years' miniature surfboard convention

Likes: The Tullamarine freeways
Hates: Tolls

Darcy Parish was Essendon's best ball winner this year. This is due to two things:
1. He is actually quite a good accumulator
2. No opposition coach cares if Darcy Parish gets a lot of the ball.

In short, Darch Parish has all the hurt factor of the dal Santo range of self-lubricating silicon phalluses. I spent longer working out the plural of phallus than the average opposition coach does in working out how to stop Parish.

Parish is a former pick 5 in the 2015 national draft. Number 5 is a famous number at Essendon, along with 34 and 7,000.
He even finished 5th in the 2021 Brownlow Medal count.

At 180cm and 81kg he is considered 'small' for an AFL full time midfielder or 'average sized' for an Essendon midfielder.
He is 'ok' at a lot of things on the football field, 'ok' being what Essendon said when Darcy said he would 'test the market' as a free agent. He decided to 'stay loyal' to Essendon after gaining almost no interest from other AFL list bosses. With no interest and having done nothing for 24 months, I assume his nickname at the club is Harvey Norman.

Fun fact: Darcy is from Winchelsea, which also happens to be the birthplace of Albert Jacka, Australia's greatest war hero and someone who should have been awarded two VCs. The guy who introduced rabbits into Australia is also a former resident.

Darcy, good luck next year trade week, and welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2023.
 
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  • #36
Player 46 - James Jordan
17PAMe21MB602079642.JPG

Pictured: Trent Cotchin may be under the thumb, but James is under a whole hand

Likes: Grand Finals
Hates: The sub rule

James Jordan is the subject of a bidding war for reasons so unclear they could moonlight as the AFL's priority pick formula.

A 22 year old midfielder with 65 games under his belt, Jordan has spent half the games during his career getting either subbed on or subbed off. He's such a sub expert, ScoMo paid the French not to build him.

This year James played 18 games for a top 4 side yet he could still walk into his local IGA without a single person recognizing him. I think he's from Yarrawonga, which is aboriginal for 'boating accident'. It's hard to tell though as his wikipedia page is so brief it could double as a 'list of funny Bay 13 threads this year". He then went to the APS, then the Chargers, before getting drafted at pick 33. It's a fairly unobtrusive journey into the AFL, which suits this entry just fine as it describe Jame's play perfectly.

Kind of an inside-ish, outside-ish midfielder, James is kind of ok at everything and outstanding at nothing. Uses it ok sometimes, not slow but not quick, ok size... he's unsweetened porridge that Goldilocks would probably describe as 'just right'. He's sliced pear on a charcuterie board - not bad when it's there, but not missed when it's not. If he was a car, he'd be a grey Toyota Corolla.

Fun fact: James Jordan was the unused sub during the 2021 Grand Final, presumably because Goodwin 'forgot' he was there. Their opposition that day also 'forgot' they were there after 3 quarter time.

James, Jords, good luck at wherever you end up next year (probably St Kilda - they prefer to trading for average players to drafting). Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2023.
 
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Mofra said:
Fun fact: James Jordan was the unused sub during the 2021 Grand Final, presumably because Goodwin 'forgot' he was there. Their opposition that day also 'forgot' they were there after 3 quarter time.
Click to expand...
LMAO
 

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Mofra said:
Kind of an inside-ish, outside-ish midfielder, James is kind of ok at everything and outstanding at nothing. Uses it ok sometimes, not slow but not quick, ok size... he's unsweetened porridge that Goldilocks would probably describe as 'just right'. He's sliced pear on a charcuterie board - not bad when it's there, but not missed when it's not. If he was a car, he'd be a grey Toyota Corolla.
Click to expand...

Essington and Dodoro like this
 
FireKrakouer said:
It's been a week and old m8 has posted 2 out of 50? Hey screw you Mofra, this reminds me of my first open mic where I was booed off stage for being drunk.

Except I wasn't drunk... I had been smoking some reefer. And I wasn't booed off stage... I was booed, but I did not leave.
Click to expand...
Kids today....
d70f6585-ebaa-40e7-b2ac-42a385364a60_text (1).gif
 
gutsroy said:
Kids today....
View attachment 1815445
Click to expand...
Listen m8, as a fellow collingwood supporter you understand the anxiety of the week leading up to a grand final our team is in and hence will most likely lose in heart breaking fashion. On top of that i've started a stressful new job role. I need a distraction, Mofra can gagf for not providing me with free entertainment at an interval that I deem appropriate.

(In case it's not obvious, I'm joking. Partly.)
 
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Player 45 - Paddy Dow
7db3cf44f1499b63b99435802407de84

Pictured: Paddy Dow enjoys a tackling session with Patrick Cripps

Likes: Oranges
Dislikes: Carlton, the VFL

Paddy Dow is a former pick 3 from the 2017 draft and the older brother of Richmond player Thomson Dow.
He has spent most of the past two years unable to break into a Carlton team because the coach(es) don't like the way he plays.

According to Carlton fans, he can find the ball easily enough but his defensive game 'needs work' and his kicking can be 'suspect' which is not true, because if it was suspect it would be leading a Carlton Coterie group and pleading not guilty.

Paddy spent his year in the VFL until Voss decided to try playing guys who could actually get the ball. Paddy hit the big time (a loss against Melbourne) in round 12 and spend 4 straight weeks as the sub before getting a full game. He'd pretty much hold his place in the team until finals, where he was dropped again.
You do tend to hope from more from a pick 3 at Carlton - generally, a few mediocre years at GWS first. Paddy cut out the middle man, so kudos to him. Sometimes I cut out the middle man at Jetstar by sending my luggage to a different city and sitting in a shopping centre food court for 3.5 hours.

Anyway, North's plan to rebuild their midfield by accruing pick 3s looks great when you watch Paddy's ceiling.
I didn't want to say anything about them but the AFL made me give them a priority-mention.

Paddy, Dowsy, good luck next year wherever you end up (probably St Kilda, it would be a very St Kilda thing to do). Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2023.
 
Mofra said:
Player 45 - Paddy Dow
7db3cf44f1499b63b99435802407de84

Pictured: Paddy Dow enjoys a tackling session with Patrick Cripps

Likes: Oranges
Dislikes: Carlton, the VFL

Paddy Dow is a former pick 3 from the 2017 draft and the older brother of Richmond player Thomson Dow.
He has spent most of the past two years unable to break into a Carlton team because the coach(es) don't like the way he plays.

According to Carlton fans, he can find the ball easily enough but his defensive game 'needs work' and his kicking can be 'suspect' which is not true, because if it was suspect it would be leading a Carlton Coterie group and pleading not guilty.

Paddy spent his year in the VFL until Voss decided to try playing guys who could actually get the ball. Paddy hit the big time (a loss against Melbourne) in round 12 and spend 4 straight weeks as the sub before getting a full game. He'd pretty much hold his place in the team until finals, where he was dropped again.
You do tend to hope from more from a pick 3 at Carlton - generally, a few mediocre years at GWS first. Paddy cut out the middle man, so kudos to him. Sometimes I cut out the middle man at Jetstar by sending my luggage to a different city and sitting in a shopping centre food court for 3.5 hours.

Anyway, North's plan to rebuild their midfield by accruing pick 3s looks great when you watch Paddy's ceiling.
I didn't want to say anything about them but the AFL made me give them a priority-mention.

Paddy, Dowsy, good luck next year wherever you end up (probably St Kilda, it would be a very St Kilda thing to do). Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2023.
Click to expand...
Mofdaddy, Mofdog Millionaire, Mofregus, maaate (can I call you Mofregus?)
Anyway, Mofdaddy, long time listener, (not quite) first time caller.
Love the cut of your jib, would lay my life down to preserve the sanctity of this thread, and enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew.
But there are times in life when even the greats misstep, when even leviathans of the caper make themselves look a prize goose.
And this, Mofdog Millionaire, might be your Eddie Mcguire moment.
Whose return to the Blues inspired the comeback from 15th to a prelim birth? Starts with Paddy, rhymes with WOW.
Who was pivotal in the win streak with his casual inside dominance and mint fresh breath? Wasn't Crippa, I'll give you the tip.
Whose grunt turned a pack of powderpuffs into a fearsome contested pill smashing outfit? Adpay Owday for pig latin scholars.
And whose side nosedived in the contest after packskirting marshmallow and good ordinary player Michael Voss made the acquaintance of the green-eyed monster when he realized that the People's Padraigh was about to outdo his feats and do it on the bit? Whose coach looked on from the box in shock and awe at a genuine, bona fide contested beast and then unceremoniously dropped his matchwinning inside mid bull in a fit of jealousy?
(Tbf, Vossy is't even the best player in his own family, big shout out to Brett 'the superior' Voss.)
For those slow on the uptake, Paddy 'Stonks' Dow's.
Can't be worrying about disposal efficiency when you've got three blokes hanging off each arm, can't rack up cuddles when you're always first to the pill.
His appearance in the Bottom 50 cannot and will not be accepted. You shall be hearing from my solicitor henceforth forthwith. Disgrace.
(Love your work, maaate.)
 
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gutsroy said:
Mofdaddy, Mofdog Millionaire, Mofregus, maaate (can I cal you Mofregus?)
Anyway, Mofdaddy, long time listener, (not quite) first time caller.
Love the cut of your jib, would lay my life down to preserve the sanctity of this thread, and enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew.
But there are times in life when even the greats misstep, when even leviathans of the caper make themselves look a prize goose.
And this, Mofdog Millionaire, might be your Eddie Mcguire moment.
Whose return to the Blues inspired the comeback from 15th to a prelim birth? Starts with Paddy, rhymes with WOW.
Who was pivotal in the win streak with his casual inside dominance and mint fresh breath? Wasn't Crippa, I'll give you the tip.
Whose grunt turned a pack of powderpuffs into a fearsome contested pill smashing outfit? Adpay Owday for pig latin scholars.
And whose side nosedived in the contest after packskirting marshmallow and good ordinary player Michael Voss made the acquaintance of the green-eyed monster when he realized that the People's Padraigh was about to outdo his feats and do it on the bit? Whose coach could looked on from the box in shock and awe at a genuine, bona fide contested beast and then unceremoniously dropped his matchwinning inside mid bull in a fit of jealousy?
(Tbf, Vossy is't even the best player in his own family, big shout out to Brett 'the superior' Voss.)
For those slow on the uptake, Paddy 'Stonks' Dow's.
Can't be worrying about disposal efficiency when you've got three blokes hanging off each arm, can't rack up cuddles when you're always first to the pill.
His appearance in the Bottom 50 cannot and will not be accepted. You shall be hearing from my solicitor henceforth forthwith. Disgrace.
(Love your work, maaate.)
Click to expand...
Solid melt. 👍
 
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gutsroy said:
Mofdaddy, Mofdog Millionaire, Mofregus, maaate (can I cal you Mofregus?)
Anyway, Mofdaddy, long time listener, (not quite) first time caller.
Love the cut of your jib, would lay my life down to preserve the sanctity of this thread, and enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew.
But there are times in life when even the greats misstep, when even leviathans of the caper make themselves look a prize goose.
And this, Mofdog Millionaire, might be your Eddie Mcguire moment.
Whose return to the Blues inspired the comeback from 15th to a prelim birth? Starts with Paddy, rhymes with WOW.
Who was pivotal in the win streak with his casual inside dominance and mint fresh breath? Wasn't Crippa, I'll give you the tip.
Whose grunt turned a pack of powderpuffs into a fearsome contested pill smashing outfit? Adpay Owday for pig latin scholars.
And whose side nosedived in the contest after packskirting marshmallow and good ordinary player Michael Voss made the acquaintance of the green-eyed monster when he realized that the People's Padraigh was about to outdo his feats and do it on the bit? Whose coach could looked on from the box in shock and awe at a genuine, bona fide contested beast and then unceremoniously dropped his matchwinning inside mid bull in a fit of jealousy?
(Tbf, Vossy is't even the best player in his own family, big shout out to Brett 'the superior' Voss.)
For those slow on the uptake, Paddy 'Stonks' Dow's.
Can't be worrying about disposal efficiency when you've got three blokes hanging off each arm, can't rack up cuddles when you're always first to the pill.
His appearance in the Bottom 50 cannot and will not be accepted. You shall be hearing from my solicitor henceforth forthwith. Disgrace.
(Love your work, maaate.)
Click to expand...
Hi. How are you? I am fine.

Just like Paddy, you were almost on target.
Unlike Paddy, I'm impressed you tackled the subject
 
Mofra said:
Fun fact: Tim went to a Catholic private school that also produced a range of well-known people such as Tim Minchin, Twiggy Forrest and Stuart McGill aka Shane Warne from wish.com
Click to expand...
I have no idea why I am correcting this, but Christ Church Grammar School is not a Catholic private school. The only grammars in the Catholic education system volunteer in the uniform shop and tell everyone they will grow into it.
 
Bigger said:
I have no idea why I am correcting this, but Christ Church Grammar School is not a Catholic private school. The only grammars in the Catholic education system volunteer in the uniform shop and tell everyone they will grow into it.
Click to expand...
Mofra made a mistake last year as well in a Graham Kennedy / Frankston reference.

I forgave him then and I forgive him now.

priest-catholic-priest.gif
 
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Sun Ra said:
Mofra made a mistake last year as well in a Graham Kennedy / Frankston reference.

I forgave him then and I forgive him now.

priest-catholic-priest.gif
Click to expand...
Why is that Jewish guy touching himself?
 
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