Vintage Bay Mofra's Bottom 50 for 2023

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Hello Bay,

This was touch and go but this is back for one more half-arsed go-round. Like a player who is past their best and goes for one more season too long - welcome back. Once again, there will be some favourites, some has beens, some 'who the feck is that?' and of course, tangents about biscuits and the changing face of the fake pilot advertising industry.

The rules
  • My listings are final. If you disagree with me, you are wrong.
  • Players with less than 20 games in total are excluded, although there is occasionally an allowance given for extraordinary spudness in the face of battle - especially for players who have spent extra time in the AFL environment and/or were first round picks.
  • Players who have not played a senior game this year are excluded.
  • Weightings have been granted for those who are over-rated, over paid, divers, are noted squibs and/or are generally annoying.
  • This list includes weightings for off-field incidents
  • Lifetime achievement awarded players are excluded, as they have given us so much joy already

The List:
50 - Tim English
49 - Buddy Franklin
48 - Patrick Cripps
47 - Darcy Parish
46 - James Jordan
45 - Paddy Dow
44 - Ash Johnson
43 - Jack Gunston
42 - Ben Long
41 - Esava Ratogulea
40 - Dylan Stevens
39 - Nik Cox
38 - Rory Sloane
37 - Mitch Hannan
36 - Darcy Fort
35 - Callum Coleman Jones
34 - Andrew McGrath
33 - Sam Frost
32 - Tim O'Brien
31 - Dougal Howard
30 - Jacob Hopper
29 - Jacob Koschitzke
28 - Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti
27 - Denver Grainger-Barras
26 - Ollie Wines
25 - Rory Lobb
24 - Mabior Chol
23 - Lewis Young
22 - Scott Lycett
21 - Kayne Turner
20 - Peter Ladhams
19 - Jack Billings
18 - Ned McHenry
17 - Marlion Pickett
16 - Jeremy McGovern
15 - Alex Sexton
14 - Daniel Rich
13 - Ben McKay
12 - Sam Weideman
11 - Elliot Yeo
10 - Bailey Smith
9 - Trent Cotchin
8 - Brodie Grundy
7 - Sam Petrevski-Seton
6 - Dyson Heppell
5 - Nat Fyfe
4 - Billy Frampton
3 - Clayton Oliver
2 - Tom Jonas
Lifetime achievement: Jake Stringer
Provisional Pick 1: Andrew Gaff
Priority pick 1: Luke McDonald
 
Last edited:

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Player 50 - Tim English
273ed05ca8b90c782360f310809c96fa

Pictured: A hangman's dream

Likes: SPF500+ sunscreen
Dislikes: Opposition ruckman over 90kgs

Tim English is the... 2023 AA ruckman? Yet he makes the bottom 50?
Yes.

Tim English is a brilliant supercoach player and can kick well, mark the ball, provide run as part of link up play and would be the best forward/ruck if he wanted to play there. He doesn't.

Tim also regresses sharply whenever a tough, body-hitting journeyman ruck takes him on physically at the actual ruck contests, which some people tend to forget is a pretty significant part of a ruckman's duties. Take, for example, Round 13 where a barely adequate Scott Lycett got ahold of him. He was soundly beaten by Ned Reeves which led to a narrow bottom 3-team ending the Bulldogs finals dreams. He finished the year off by (checks notes) losing the ruck battle to a debutant which was a major reason the Bulldogs lost to Geelong's VFL team + retiree Isaac Smith.
Toby Nankervis still gives him nightmares.

All in all, Timmy projects as a guy who is brilliant when the mood suits him but is prone to dropping his bundle when he is physically targeted. As a ruckman he's a softly spoken scalpel when what you really want sometimes is a loud, Woodstock Bourbon & Cola drinking sledgehammer with all the subtlety of a Tom Morris lecture on sexuality.

Fun fact: Tim went to a Catholic private school that also produced a range of well-known people such as Tim Minchin, Twiggy Forrest and Stuart McGill aka Shane Warne from wish.com

Tim, enjoy your extended off season this year and thank you for kicking off this year's Bottom 50.
 
Well my Bulldogs prediction is not off to a good start...

Predicted Bulldogs: Gardner, Hannan, McNeil, O'Brien. Possibly Scott.

Saved by having good careers overall: Bruce, Crozier, Duryea, Keath.

McComb bloody lucky (2 games short) to not qualify. Mercifully delisted.
 
Player 50 - Tim English

He finished the year off by (checks notes) losing the ruck battle to a debutant which was a major reason the Bulldogs lost to Geelong's VFL team + retiree Isaac Smith.
Wait, what?

I know it was a completely and utterly shithouse year for us, buuuuut......

1695167434011.png
 
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  • #11
Player 49 - Lance Franklin
9755a8a70b680976fa7f0cce0d3fc24d

Pictured: Lance in one of his final training sessions, circa February 2023
Likes: Lance Franklin
Dislikes: Road markings

Lance 'Buddy' Franklin is one of the greatest players of all time, and like Game of Thrones his last season left a little bit to be desired.

Nicknamed Buddy by his dad who was also called Lance, one wonders why his dad just didn't call him Buddy in the first place as it would still not make the 20 worst names of AFL players in recent memory. For example, Sharrod Wellingham was named by combining his mum and dads' names - Sharon and Jarrod. His cousin, with parents named Shaun and Britt, fared much worse.

Buddy never really hit his previous lofty heights this year after signing a one year contract extension last year, which came after he miraculously saw out his monster 9 year, $10m deal to go to the Swans so they could win prelim finals. Alan Joyce would have had to be CEO of Qantas for almost 5 months to earn that much money, and judging by my recent flying experiences Qantas certainly doesn't carry as much baggage as Lance.

The contract extension came after a 5 disposal display in the 2022 Grand Final, a performance Gary Rohan described as "showing off".

Buddy managed 13 games this year, one for each goal he kicked in an incredible performance in 2012 against North Melbourne. It feels like that was only 14 priority picks ago for North, who at the time were coached by Brad Scott who has since moved to Tullamarine and knifed Dodoro. Given he has shown the capacity to kill the uinkillable, Brad Scott's next move should be to Queensland to work on the cane toad problem.

Back to Buddy. He was touch and go to play most weeks and Horse Longmire realised pretty quickly that his young, up and coming KPF talent was a better bet than relying on Buddy, although Simon Goodwin would still take odds. Buddy eventually finished up after suffering a calf injury in round 20 against Essendon, which despite not being a final Essendon still lost by 2 points.

Buddy 's last season will soon be forgotten but many of his incredible performances in past years wont be. He retires a legend of the game and if rumours are to be believed, the first Australian to have clocked Tinder back in his Hawthorn days.

Buddy, Lance, no 23. Thanks for the highlights and welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2023.
 

chels

Senior List
Oct 6, 2017
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For example, Sharrod Wellingham was named by combining his mum and dads' names - Sharon and Jarrod. His cousin, with parents named Shaun and Britt, fared much worse.


This is an example of why we appreciate the reasoning in your Bottom Fifty so much Mofra - thanks for this gem.
 
Fair write up of Buddy. His body could no longer honour the cheques written by his Footy IQ.

Spot on also in the write up of Tim English. The way he plays is a carbon copy of another Footscray ruck in Darcy, whose lack of guts was famously called out by his one time coach in Terry Wallace.
 

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Feb 17, 2006
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"The contract extension came after a 5 disposal display in the 2022 Grand Final, a performance Gary Rohan described as "showing off". "


Lifetime achievement may prevent a placing but doesn't protect them from a drive-by.
 
Jul 5, 2011
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It's been a week and old m8 has posted 2 out of 50? Hey screw you Mofra, this reminds me of my first open mic where I was booed off stage for being drunk.

Except I wasn't drunk... I had been smoking some reefer. And I wasn't booed off stage... I was booed, but I did not leave.
 
It's been a week and old m8 has posted 2 out of 50? Hey screw you Mofra, this reminds me of my first open mic where I was booed off stage for being drunk.

Except I wasn't drunk... I had been smoking some reefer. And I wasn't booed off stage... I was booed, but I did not leave.
LET MOFRA COOK
 

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