Vintage Bay The Baytoota Advocate - CURRENTLY SEEKING CONTRIBUTING ‘JOURNALISTS’!

[Benwah83]

Ford to re-open car manufacturing plant in Geelong

Great news for the residents of the meth-ridden cesspit that is Geelong – Ford is re-opening their car manufacturing facilities!

Mark Fields, the American CEO of the Ford motor company, couldn’t contain his excitement when making the announcement. “This is a win for the community of Glenelg. We are giving back to the community which we shat all over”

The first car to roll off the production line – the Dangerwood Ute.

The Dangerwood – a 2 wheel drive ute, has a tray large enough to carry 20 passengers. The ute will deliver immaculate performance in the greater Geelong area, but early test models indicate a flakiness when driven further afield.

Pictured: The test model of the Dangerwood Ute. “It quickly ducks through the streets of Geelong like a rubber-necked haemophiliac”.

There are also plans for the Geelong Ford plant to manufacture a modified version of the Ford Focus – the Porkins XL edition. This Focus model comes with a pie warmer in place of the glove box.

The Porkins XL also comes with an optional passenger seat dressed in an Adelaide jumper – for when the road rage gets too much and you want to unleash a little jumper punch to break the tension.

The Baytoota Advocate contemplated travelling to Geelong to get the thoughts of the local residents, but then thought better of it.

 

[STPer18]

 

[Jazny]

 

[Benwah83]

Extreme Salinity Spike Recorded in Mulgrave Catchment is a ‘Cause for concern”: EPA

The Victorian Environmental Protection Authority says that an extreme salinity spike recorded in the soil in the Mulgrave area should be of cause for concern for local residents.

The EPA and Monash University have been conducting a joint study in the area over the past 6 months to ascertain the quality of the soil in the Mulgrave area. The study, which has involved a rigorous soil sampling regime, has turned out some remarkable results.

“The first three months were fairly normal”, advised Dr. Hugh Jerkov, environmental scientist at the EPA. “There was a bit of an increase in salt content, but nothing that alarmed us. But these last three months have been like nothing I’ve ever seen before”.

Dr. Jerkov stated that the since late March, saline water has been weeping out from the ground, pushing its way straight through a historic layer of a calcified, gooey white substance.

“The area directly surrounding the Ricoh Centre at Waverley Park seems to be the most contaminated with salt” stated Dr. Jerkov. “It gradually dissipates at you move further away from this location. Yet it’s spreading at an alarming rate.”

The EPA fears that the nearby Tirhatuan Wetlands are at risk of irrevocable damage unless the salinity surge is stopped. “This salty weeping of Waverley is a cause for concern”, postulated Dr. Jerkov.

Pictured – The Ricoh Centre at Waverley Park: A desolate, salt ridden wasteland.

The Baytoota Advocate spoke to a nearby resident – Anton Spandex – to understand how this is affecting the local community. “My garden is ruined! My gold and brown picket fence is suffering from salt damage!”, bemoaned Mr. Spandex. “ How the hell am I supposed to go on, darling? How?! Where is all this salt coming from!?”

Mr. Spandex then burst into a 20 minute flood of tears, with his Hawthorn 9 year membership scarf providing insufficient material to soak them all up.

The EPA plan to expand their salinity soil study to the Dingley area in the coming months.

 

[A Cut Above]

Presenting the "new" Ford Mackie Pickup

Photogenic & has stood the test of time, but barely runs. Question mark over durability in collisions.

 

[Jazny]

Presenting the all new Ford Mackie Pickup

Photogenic & has stood the test of time, but barely runs. Question mark over durability in collisions.

 

[A Cut Above]

Pfft, Tucky has over 300 career wins.

 

[Smeg Head]

Pfft, Tucky has over 300 career wins.

Fair comparison, they were both utterly carried.

 

[the avoca drover]

Presenting the all new Ford Mackie Pickup

Photogenic & has stood the test of time, but barely runs. Question mark over durability in collisions.

True picture, shows the Shell refinery in the background.

 

[Benwah83]

Eagles’ Josh Kennedy at risk of “explosive leg rupture” - Respected Doctor

A doctor has advised Josh Kennedy that he must abandon his twinkle –toed set shot routine, or risk an ‘explosive leg rupture’ which may leave him an amputee.

The dire warning comes after assessment of his calf after his recent injury. Dr. Riviera, an expert in the field of limbs, stated “The strain that his set shot routine puts on his legs is too much. This injury is an important wake-up call and warning which he must listen to”.

The consequence of not listening?

“If he continues as he does now, then there’s a very real chance that his leg will explode clean off at the knee, no doubt flying out of the field of play and injuring an unsuspecting spectator”, stated Dr. Riviera.

The Baytoota Advocate contacted Kennedy for comment. Upon hearing the statements from Dr. Riviera, Kennedy replied “I do not know a Dr. Riviera. I have never heard of a Dr. Riviera. Please stop calling me or I will call the police”.

The Baytoota Advocate was able to track down an ex-amateur footballer who suffered a similar fate that potentially awaits Kennedy. Omar Pintonious, currently serving time for the shooting homicide of his girlfriend, became a double amputee after his set shot routine became too much for his body to handle.

Mr. Pintonious was a star full forward for amateur club Kelmscott before the accident. “I broke the 100 goal a season mark 3 years running”, reflected Mr. Pintonious during our visit to Casuarina Prison. “I twinkled my toes on my run in and dazzled the crowds. Then… it happened.”

“I was going for my 7th goal one day, and both legs spontaneously blew off. One hit the goal umpire in the face. The other got stuck up a nearby tree. I’ve not been the same ever since”.

“Like all other double amputees, I’m now a bitter, murderous bastard because of it”.

 

[3rd Grade Maggy]

Ultimate bandwagon

 

[Benwah83]

The Baytoota Advocate is hiring!
​

Can you:

• Read?
• Write?
• Understand AFL?
• Not understand AFL?
• Mash a keyboard with your forehead whilst emitting a low, groaning sound?

Then....

PULL MY FINGER!
Sorry, I mean...
WE WANT YOU!​

Unlike Donald Trump, we love fake news. We embrace fake news. We have sexual intercourse with fake news and make little fake news babies. Little, AFL, fake news babies.

Flop out your covfefe and start slapping the keyboard with it. Your country needs you.

 

[MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE]

That's not a car, that's a scoreboard.

 

[MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE]

That's not a car either, that's a former Geelong star and s**t ex-Demons coach.

 

[STPer18]

That's not a car, that's a scoreboard.

 

[Benwah83]

View attachment 377875

The Ford Baileyball - Drives like an out of control rollercoaster directed towards a cliff.

Sent from my SM-G900I using Tapatalk

 

[MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE]

View attachment 377875

Well played.

And I hope they demolished that scoreboard when they rebuilt the grandstand

 

[bontshow]

Harvey Norman Richmond experience record microwave returns

The inner-city department store reported an unexplained spike in sales in early May, followed by an unprecedented rate of returns over the last week. Sales representative Brendan was mystified. "We only stock the best at Harvey Norman, so we are concerned by the apparent failure rate in this product line" Brendan said.

Pictured: An inner-city salesman wearing three watches who was still late for our interview

"We haven't changed our product range, so we're not sure what may be behind it. Perhaps the colder weather is causing the microwaves problems with winter approaching".

We spoke to a man in a black and yellow singlet who walked in to return his microwave whilst we were there

Pictured: Another customer clearly unhappy with their purchase

"What do I need this s**t for" he said. "Hardwick's going to win us the flag". When asked who or what Hardwick was, the gentleman muttered something about Tigerland whilst chewing on a KFC drumstick and leaving the store

 

[bontshow]

Starburns_ developing TOTY contender, sticky please

 

[99cents]

Starburns_ developing TOTY contender, sticky please

has potential- will contribute more when I'm back in the newsroom tomorrow.

 

[Smeg Head]

Eagles’ Josh Kennedy at risk of “explosive leg rupture” - Respected Doctor

A doctor has advised Josh Kennedy that he must abandon his twinkle –toed set shot routine, or risk an ‘explosive leg rupture’ which may leave him an amputee.

The dire warning comes after assessment of his calf after his recent injury. Dr. Riviera, an expert in the field of limbs, stated “The strain that his set shot routine puts on his legs is too much. This injury is an important wake-up call and warning which he must listen to”.

The consequence of not listening?

“If he continues as he does now, then there’s a very real chance that his leg will explode clean off at the knee, no doubt flying out of the field of play and injuring an unsuspecting spectator”, stated Dr. Riviera.

The Baytoota Advocate contacted Kennedy for comment. Upon hearing the statements from Dr. Riviera, Kennedy replied “I do not know a Dr. Riviera. I have never heard of a Dr. Riviera. Please stop calling me or I will call the police”.

The Baytoota Advocate was able to track down an ex-amateur footballer who suffered a similar fate that potentially awaits Kennedy. Omar Pintonious, currently serving time for the shooting homicide of his girlfriend, became a double amputee after his set shot routine became too much for his body to handle.

Mr. Pintonious was a star full forward for amateur club Kelmscott before the accident. “I broke the 100 goal a season mark 3 years running”, reflected Mr. Pintonious during our visit to Casuarina Prison. “I twinkled my toes on my run in and dazzled the crowds. Then… it happened.”

“I was going for my 7th goal one day, and both legs spontaneously blew off. One hit the goal umpire in the face. The other got stuck up a nearby tree. I’ve not been the same ever since”.

“Like all other double amputees, I’m now a bitter, murderous bastard because of it”.

Love it, but I think Dr Larkins beat you to the punch on this one.

 

[Freofalcon]

Starburns_ developing TOTY contender, sticky please

Benwah83 needs to post more often.

 

[DapperJong]

Benwah83 "the Carlton draft" stole your McDonald's farm idea. Not sure if you saw that.

 

[Stan_Darsh72]

• Mash a keyboard with your forehead whilst emitting a low, groaning sound?

Lets give this the old college try then

TGUYJHNMUYJH B VCFGVTHUYJUJRFJKJHGGHJHN

rtfgjp[;'-0uyjh7rtfg5uyh67yuhfgtikujhfgvujl;jkgtrghuyjujhy bn6 uyjhmnol ef bk asdgwgsdjksdgjksdfnnklasfnklsnklankletgnjnnsdg nnknkl

Quite a stunning article i think

 

[MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE]

Lets give this the old college try then

TGUYJHNMUYJH B VCFGVTHUYJUJRFJKJHGGHJHN

rtfgjp[;'-0uyjh7rtfg5uyh67yuhfgtikujhfgvujl;jkgtrghuyjujhy bn6 uyjhmnol ef bk asdgwgsdjksdgjksdfnnklasfnklsnklankletgnjnnsdg nnknkl

Quite a stunning article i think

Promote this man to head football writer at the Herald Sun.