Computers & Internet Tinder

[Caesar]

The sage advice is to always have several conversations happening so you can filter out those who are incompatible without leaving yourself stranded.

this is the problem; the mechanics of dating apps commodify both parties

The bottleneck for dating, whether you get 1 match a week or 100, is still the physical meeting. Everyone has a relatively fixed and small number of people they are willing or able to meet up with, based on a bunch of factors (finances, available time, whatever). Everyone is therefore incentivised to optimise for that constraint - i.e. make sure their desired dating pipeline is as close to full as possible with the best possible first dates, so they have the best chance of finding someone they hit it off with.

This problem still existed (at least theoretically) before dating apps, but the apps have removed all the friction - there are so many potential matches available instantly that everyone either filters or propositions ruthlessly, superficially and overtly so they can go as close as possible as quickly as possible to hitting that number. To do otherwise - i.e. spend time talking and getting to know someone - just does not justify the opportunity cost of maybe missing the next potential match sitting in your queue.

As a result people who try to use dating apps to meet someone they resonate with are mostly doomed to failure (or at least a very long, hard uphill slog). The only way to solve the problem is to add back friction - that is, somehow force people to invest more time into getting to know each other before they get to the bottleneck (meeting). A number of apps have tried to do this, but none have really been that successful.

At the end of the day it's probably because people like to buy commodities. Commodification means more choice, less risk. The only problem with dating is that you cannot be a customer without also being a product - and commodifying yourself is soul destroying.

So yeah, **** dating apps. Also people. And capitalism. Where's that bottle of scotch?

 

[Over The Post]

As a result the minority of people who go against the tide and try to use dating apps in good faith to try and meet someone they resonate with are mostly doomed to failure (or at least a very long, hard uphill slog).

But going against the tide has made me stand out from the crowd, and that has to be some sort of positive. Its the superficial aspect that bugs me - judging the worth of a person on the basis of a pic.

 

[Caesar]

But going against the tide has made me stand out from the crowd, and that has to be some sort of positive. Its the superficial aspect that bugs me - judging the worth of a person on the basis of a pic.

yeah it is a bit of a catch-22 because at the end of the day, it's an extra way to meet potential partners so any person it helps you connect with is an opportunity you wouldn't have had otherwise... and you're right, when you do connect with someone compatible your approach will be a positive

the problem is mostly that making that connection is difficult when the incentivised behaviour is at odds with that - there is just so, so much crap out there and wading through it takes an awful lot of soul-crushing time and effort if you're going to be meticulous and relatively non-superficial

I found it way too dispiriting, just went back to dating the old fashioned way - was lucky enough to meet my wife through friends

 

[faible]

I had pretty much the same reaction. I did my profile offline, extensively edited and chopped it, got it schmick, went to put it up and hit a maximum character limit. Had to cut another third out of it and lost some really good bits. Even so I got a "its brilliant, you know how long I've been waiting for someone who actually put some work into his profile?"

There's a school of thought that says keep it short and minimal so you've got something to talk about. I'm more along the lines of this is who I am, this is who I'm looking for, and give enough detail that I've already ticked a lot of the boxes for the ones who DO contact me, and they're far more likely to have ticked mine.

I think short and minimal doesn't mean literally 3 - 5 word bio's, but more or less trying to cram in what you need to say in < 3 sentences.

If you write a lengthy essay no one is reading it, if you write 2 words, you'll get people who are similarly minded.

I feel a lot of the guys I see / know complaining about lack of matches (that don't live in regional areas) have very poor bio's and poor picture choices.

 

[Scotland]

The only way to stand out with a bio is to not have the same 'unique and interesting' bio as everyone else.

 

[HairyO]

The only way to stand out with a bio is to not have the same 'unique and interesting' bio as everyone else.

Arse pics not dick pics then eh?

 

[faible]

Arse pics not dick pics then eh?

Would probably actually work if you had a humourous enough comment along with the pic

 

[74561347]

Would probably actually work if you had a humourous enough comment along with the pic

or your arse looked like this

 

[phantom13]

Good mooning ladies, good mooning.
Ive been up since the CRACK of Dawn and I had to ASSSSSSSK you a question


* this is not my original content and was stolen from the delightful 90s teen comedy Varsity Blues

 

[Perth gal]

Is it just me or do girls (and presumably guys) go in waves of behaviour? I'm talking collectively, not individually.

I used to find that it was pretty common to get a match, initiate conversation and then just get deleted. Awesome. Then over time that changed to just not responding so you'd have all these matches just sitting there. Awesome. If I wanted to look at Instagram accounts I'd just look at Instagram. Recently I've noticed a lot of girls engage in conversation for one message and that's it. What's the point? It's not Bumble, you aren't going to lose your validation matches...

7:00pm: 'Hey how are you blah blah?'
7:05pm: 'Yeah really good thanks blah blah how are you blah blah?'
7:10pm: 'Great thanks blah blah are you heading away this holidays blah blah?'

*deafening silence*

When that happens 10, 20 times (all different people, all different conversations) I scratch my head and wonder why anyone bothers.

I get

guys that message, I decide I’m not keen and message back saying good luck with your search

decide I like some , message back and

nothing....

lol.

 

[Perth gal]

I like starting off with a compliment and then getting only a 'thanks' as a reply.

Ok I didn’t know that was the wrong thing to do. I do this. If someone has complimented me on my profile I will respond thank you. This means I am interested in keeping the conversation going . Otherwise I would have said nothing. I have said this and got no reply. Why do men give up so quickly?

I genuinely didn’t know this was a crap thing to do.

 

[Run n Spread]

I get

guys that message, I decide I’m not keen and message back saying good luck with your search

decide I like some , message back and

nothing....

lol.

Nature of the app and numbers.
Women will search and refine before matching.
Men will mostly swipe right on everyone see who matches than decide.

 

[Run n Spread]

The psychological state you'd need to be in to emotionally protect yourself from waves of rejection, ghosting, no responses would be so counter productive for finding a relationship to actually be vulnerable in.

It's like it would require you to be so armored up that you're impenetrable, just to make it through, that you will be distant and cold - or pretending not to be while half you brain is already planning your next move.

This is true. To the point also there is so much to wade through and hoops by the time you get to a date your totally mentally shot.
Not to mention it is an app. The person you end up meeting maybe someone you wouldn't look twice at in the street

 

[phantom13]

Ok I didn’t know that was the wrong thing to do. I do this. If someone has complimented me on my profile I will respond thank you. This means I am interested in keeping the conversation going . Otherwise I would have said nothing. I have said this and got no reply. Why do men give up so quickly?

I genuinely didn’t know this was a crap thing to do.

Its not... Youre not obligated to do anything more than this unless you want.

 

[Perth gal]

Nature of the app and numbers.
Women will search and refine before matching.
Men will mostly swipe right on everyone see who matches than decide.

Oh ok.
I really must be stupid.

I thought people only message people they are interested in potentially meeting.
Lol. Scratches head.

 

[Perth gal]

Its not... Youre not obligated to do anything more than this unless you want.

Ok. It just came across as though guys who received this message think that the girl isn’t interested just because they just said thanks.
I feel like I’m on another planet.

 

[phantom13]

Ok. It just came across as though guys who received this message think that the girl isn’t interested just because they just said thanks.
I feel like I’m on another planet.

To be fair I’m not on tinder but I wouldn’t assume you’re not interested, I’d assume if you weren’t interested you wouldn’t respond at all. Thanks is actually a perfectly reasonable response to a compliment.

 

[Run n Spread]

Oh ok.
I really must be stupid.

I thought people only message people they are interested in potentially meeting.
Lol. Scratches head.

Not stupid at all. It's just that men and women have vastly different experiences with the app.
When I was on this is why I'd always try for a meet asap. That way you're not wasting time. Otherwise someone would either want to endlessly chat or unmatch if you didn't message every day.
Why I'm off even got rid of bumble. Too much effort for no return

 

[faible]

Ok I didn’t know that was the wrong thing to do. I do this. If someone has complimented me on my profile I will respond thank you. This means I am interested in keeping the conversation going . Otherwise I would have said nothing. I have said this and got no reply. Why do men give up so quickly?

I genuinely didn’t know this was a crap thing to do.

Do you literally just reply with a 'Thank you' and no further words?

 

[phantom13]

Do you literally just reply with a 'Thank you' and no further words?

If you get a reply, even if its just "thank you" you just give up altogether?

 

[Jack Richards]

If you get a reply, even if its just "thank you" you just give up altogether?

To be fair I would.

It's the equivalent of being in a bar, walking up to an attractive women/Bloke and giving a compliment just for them to say Thank you and look away to talk to someone else. It comes off as not interested or fishing for compliments to boost an ego. You also run the risk of putting in 100% effort for nothing.

If I got a response of "Thank You. You have a lovely smile(or something added on)". I would think they are interested and keep the convo going on my end. I'm just interesred in knowing why girls/blokes think "Thank You" is a good response and what do they hope would stem from it.. maybe it's a case of "What people want?" At least make an effort and not make one person do the work.

Perth gal or any other women could you shed light on why women do it. Not singling out..

 

[revo333]

Ok I didn’t know that was the wrong thing to do. I do this. If someone has complimented me on my profile I will respond thank you. This means I am interested in keeping the conversation going . Otherwise I would have said nothing. I have said this and got no reply. Why do men give up so quickly?

I genuinely didn’t know this was a crap thing to do.

It's not a crap thing to do but most times I have found when females just respond with 'thanks' and don't write anything else the conversation ends up being a waste of time.

I'm not talking about a few times, This seems to be a very consistent pattern.

 

[revo333]

To be fair I would.

It's the equivalent of being in a bar, walking up to an attractive women/Bloke and giving a compliment just for them to say Thank you and look away to talk to someone else. It comes off as not interested or fishing for compliments to boost an ego. You also run the risk of putting in 100% effort for nothing.

You get it.

 

[phantom13]

To be fair I would.

It's the equivalent of being in a bar, walking up to an attractive women/Bloke and giving a compliment just for them to say Thank you and look away to talk to someone else. It comes off as not interested or fishing for compliments to boost an ego. You also run the risk of putting in 100% effort for nothing.

If I got a response of "Thank You. You have a lovely smile(or something added on)". I would think they are interested and keep the convo going on my end. I'm just interesred in knowing why girls/blokes think "Thank You" is a good response and what do they hope would stem from it.. maybe it's a case of "What people want?" At least make an effort and not make one person do the work.

Perth gal or any other women could you shed light on why women do it. Not so g

Its absolutely not the same as that response in a bar, its a short form of contact.

For me, any response indicates they want to continue the conversation, if they didnt, they wouldnt respond at all.

At the risk of getting the "your a soft **** lefty" thing here, women have been conditioned to either a) expect to be negged or b) bow down at a mans feet over a compliment for decades. Being able to respond with thank you is something most have had to get used to.

I find it suprising that dudes would just pack up shop when they are getting a response.

 

[Perth gal]

Do you literally just reply with a 'Thank you' and no further words?

The guy has said , I like your profile or words to that effect.

I respond by saying thank you. I have responded to the comment made to me. I haven’t ignored it. Then I am waiting for him to say something that I can further respond to.
Honestly don’t get the confusion here. I’m not going to write a page response to someone I don’t even know am I?