Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread
- Thread starter Butters Made Me Do It
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- Sep 29, 2012
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Just ******* stop it Fin
bomberclifford
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philreich
TheBrownDog
- Mar 2, 2014
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My wife wanted an I-pad and an I-phone. I couldn't find them, so I bought her an I-ron instead.
- Sep 29, 2012
- 9,224
- 9,750
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- Port Adelaide
Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.
He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.
Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left The coach gives the young raqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.
When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry!'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'
He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.
Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left The coach gives the young raqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.
When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry!'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King, but he made a great ruler.
I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 8 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant.
philreich
TheBrownDog
- Mar 2, 2014
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your business at this convention?"
“Lecturer", she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well”, she explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m sorry", she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." the man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your business at this convention?"
“Lecturer", she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well”, she explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m sorry", she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." the man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
philreich
TheBrownDog
- Mar 2, 2014
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- Port Adelaide
A guy goes into Australia Post to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Hmm, that’s not good, that will cost you five points off your score. OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me, and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. OK, looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls - no point in you coming in for that."
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Hmm, that’s not good, that will cost you five points off your score. OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me, and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. OK, looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls - no point in you coming in for that."
Portology
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Husband : How do you feel about sex
Wife: I would like it infrequently
Husband: Is that one word or two
Wife: I would like it infrequently
Husband: Is that one word or two
