How many Sack Hinkley threads do we need? All of them.
PRELUDE
We entered 2022 shell-shocked after arguably the worst prelim final performance in the history of the game. Full of confidence (And apparently booze, if you're Pistol or SPP) after handily belting Geelong in the QF, we come up against a team that we beat just a few weeks earlier, on our home deck, with a week's rest. Ken Hinkley opts to start Willem Drew (Who in the last game completely shuts out Libba) on the bench, as Libba wins the first 2 centre clearances easily for 2 goals and it's game over within the first 5 minutes. We lose by 71 points in the biggest home state prelim defeat ever recorded. Ken says he "wouldn't change a thing", then makes a cowardly disappearance for the next several months, refusing to acknowledge the defeat and refusing to face the media.
ROUND ONE - BRISBANE
Both teams come out sluggishly in a sloppy first half. Commentators remark that this isn't one for the time capsule as both teams struggle to get going. We cop a couple of injuries. We have a strong third quarter getting to 4 goals up late in the term. From that point Brisbane switch on and kick the next 6 goals to 1. We lose comfortably despite having more possessions, inside 50s, clearances and a greater disposal efficiency. Lycett towelled up in the ruck 52-26 by the big O and Darcy Fort.
Ken seems pleased. Brisbane are big and scary and they always beat us. We got kinda close, so that's good enough. "We'll win more than we lose if we play like that". No mention of the 5 goals to 1 Brisbane kicked in the last. No acknowledgement that Brisbane actually played like trash for basically 3 quarters of the game and 30 minutes of effort was all it took.
ROUND 2 - HAWTHORN
Oh boy. A tribute match for arguably our greatest ever legend. The broadcast team does its absolute best to honour the occasion by basically completely ignoring it, other than a couple of throwaway lines during the intro. We start off with a classic Hinkley goalless quarter. We lose by 64 points despite:
We go to the bottom of the ladder.
ROUND 3 - ADELAIDE
Big test this week as we come up against the Adelaide juggernaut who have won 10 of their last 46 games. We lead comfortably for 90% of the game before losing in the last minute or two. Absolute gun forwards Elliott Himmelberg and Lachlan Gollant kick 8 goals (Both now confined to the SANFL behind superstars Darcy Fogarty, the old racist, and Riley ThrillHO). How'd big Scotty Lycett go? Lost the hitouts 45-29 to Reilly O'Brien? Oh ok.
The Brilliant Mind™ of Ken Hinkley says he still has faith we can make the finals. (For those playing at home this is a team declared Grand Final or bust)
ROUND 4 - MELBOURNE
Where to start? With the loser coach talking up the opposition as a big challenge and borderline unbeatable in the lead up to the game? How'd we go? Ken comes in with a loser plan of trying to clog the game up as much as possible because he doesn't want to be embarrassed by a big a loss. At this point it's all about Ken trying to keep his ******* job.
We roll out a classic Hinkley goalless first quarter then back it up with another goalless quarter to achieve the rare goalless half (History here in the making!). There's a genuine vibe in the air that we may not score a goal for the entire game. Eventually we slot one near the end of the third quarter. Happy days. Melbourne put the cue in the rack as we score the last 3 goals of the game as we narrowly avoid setting all kinds of records for shittest team ever.
Brilliant Mind™ manages to orchestrate 1 goal from our first 40 inside 50s despite us having 50 more disposals than Melbourne for the game. Just brilliant strategic work. If we chip the ball around in the back half pointlessly, they can't score! Absolute genius stuff.
How'd big Scooter go this week? Oh, lost the hitouts, got 10 touches and his opponent was BOG? No worries.
Ken is still "Bullish" on our finals prospects.
ROUND 5 - CAAAAAARLTON
The master vs the apprentice! Michael Voss has got the Blues resurgent as they win 3 of their first 4 games. He used to be one of our assistants btw, we decided to replace him with one of the waterboys who likes lifting weights and shirtless selfies.
We were close. So close. At half time we're hilariously about 50 points down and looking on track to lose by 100+. Ken's papers are almost stamped. Annoyingly, Carlton does a Carlton and we kick 9 goals to 2 in the second half to almost win. Almost, but not quite. Another Brilliant Mind™ trademark is the failed comeback where we storm back to within a goal (Sometimes even hit the front) then immediately slam on the brakes and stop.
The genius says well gee losing 5 in a row ain't so bad, who's to say we can't win 5 in a row youse blokes? Have you seen my cabinet of 5 wins in a row certificates? I've got at least 4.
ROUND 6 - WEAGLES
Wowee boy oh boy! We're back in town with an 84 point victory. Never mind that this proves to be about par as the Eagles are performing at a level on a par with GWS early days and Fitzroy's last days. Sam Hayes 47 hitouts. I dunno about you but I thought Ken was a superhero after this performance.
ROUND 7 - ST KILDA
The brilliant minds of St Kilda wisely decided to sell some of their home games to Cairns. 26 degrees, 10mm of rain and around 85% humidity was the order of the day for one of the most disgusting spectacles of AFL footy since the last time someone played Cairns. Since the early part of the second quarter, St Kilda kick 1 goal 15 behinds in one of the most inaccurate displays of all time. We scrape home by a point in a game that would have been over at half time if they didn't keep missing sitters. In another notable achievement we racked up another Hinkley goalless first quarter. Woohoo!
ROUND 8 - WESTERN BULLFROGS
Arguably our only half decent performance of the year. A win against a middle of the road team missing their best player, with 3 additional injuries during the game. Just for shits and giggles we throw in a Hinkley goalless quarter, but leave it until the end of the game this time instead of the start. In a season highlight, 56kg Cody Weightman decides to try and take out a bloke a foot taller and 50kg heavier than himself. It goes about as well as our season does.
ROUND 9 - NORF
Another historically bad team, with a percentage hovering around 50%. We win by 69 in front ofan AFL rent-a-crowd a big crowd of 5,000 passionate Tasmanian Norf supporters. This proves to be about the going rate for a game against a team that is actively imploding. Four in a row. Could Ken be in line for yet another Five-Win-In-A-Row certificate? His mantlepiece will be getting overcrowded.
ROUND 10 - GEELONG
A chance to see where we're actually at. Four wins in a row, but 2 against teams that would struggle in the SANFL and another one in a game played underwater. A team we last played in the qualifying final and flogged off the park. Yeah, it's at their construction site of a home ground but Geelong are looking to be a fairly mediocre team, going 2-2 in their last 4. Coaching mastermind Ken Hinkley nonetheless talks up the big challenge for the widdle battler club this week.
What do we get? A pus-like performance where we never look to be in the game and only Geelong's shithouse accuracy prevents it from being a complete drubbing (27 scoring shots to 12). Next week, an equally s**t Adelaide Crows team manages to meekly put up more of a fight against the Geebung Juggernaught.
ROUND 11 - ESSINGTON
Woohoo! Another game against an absolute rubbish team. Essington have 2 wins for the year and lost their last two games by an average of 45 points. How does the mighty PawPowa stand up to such a massive challenge?
Well, umm.. we turn in a one goal second half with a classic Hinkley goalless last term. After the first quarter, the mighty Essendon outscores us over the last 3 quarters of the game. Oh yeah, Essendon kick 6 goals 14. An absolute turd of a performance, where if Essendon had been remotely competitive in the first quarter, we would have lost the game.
Meanwhile, the media pumps up the AMAZING TURNAROUND from the BRILLIANT MIND of KEN HINKLEY. Will GWS poach this amazing coach??? The poor widdle battlers better try to hold on to him otherwise we might lose him. Better offer him another 4 years!
ROUND 13 - RICHMOND
Someone has to pay for the poor performance against Essendon. Who should the coach make an example of? Not Motlop, who is 31 years old and set to be delisted. No, let's drop the young ruckman who's had to carry the load because our idiot club trading away our backup ruck for a bag of magic beans. That will surely be effective. We lose the hitouts 41-18, but hey, that's great, we can go back to our gameplan of setting up to losing hitouts and at best halve the contest.
How did the rest of the game go? A middle of the road tigers puts the foot down easily at the PORTRESS and doddles home easily in the last. Ken Hinkley bravely avoids any goalless quarters. We decide when two players run head first into each other that we should just duct tape their heads back on and send them out immediately. It looks very desperate and has zero effect whatsoever as neither player does anything of note the rest of the game.
SeE yOu At ThE fOoTy!
PRELUDE
We entered 2022 shell-shocked after arguably the worst prelim final performance in the history of the game. Full of confidence (And apparently booze, if you're Pistol or SPP) after handily belting Geelong in the QF, we come up against a team that we beat just a few weeks earlier, on our home deck, with a week's rest. Ken Hinkley opts to start Willem Drew (Who in the last game completely shuts out Libba) on the bench, as Libba wins the first 2 centre clearances easily for 2 goals and it's game over within the first 5 minutes. We lose by 71 points in the biggest home state prelim defeat ever recorded. Ken says he "wouldn't change a thing", then makes a cowardly disappearance for the next several months, refusing to acknowledge the defeat and refusing to face the media.
ROUND ONE - BRISBANE
Both teams come out sluggishly in a sloppy first half. Commentators remark that this isn't one for the time capsule as both teams struggle to get going. We cop a couple of injuries. We have a strong third quarter getting to 4 goals up late in the term. From that point Brisbane switch on and kick the next 6 goals to 1. We lose comfortably despite having more possessions, inside 50s, clearances and a greater disposal efficiency. Lycett towelled up in the ruck 52-26 by the big O and Darcy Fort.
Ken seems pleased. Brisbane are big and scary and they always beat us. We got kinda close, so that's good enough. "We'll win more than we lose if we play like that". No mention of the 5 goals to 1 Brisbane kicked in the last. No acknowledgement that Brisbane actually played like trash for basically 3 quarters of the game and 30 minutes of effort was all it took.
ROUND 2 - HAWTHORN
Oh boy. A tribute match for arguably our greatest ever legend. The broadcast team does its absolute best to honour the occasion by basically completely ignoring it, other than a couple of throwaway lines during the intro. We start off with a classic Hinkley goalless quarter. We lose by 64 points despite:
- 74 more disposals
- 12 more inside 50s
- 24(!) more clearances
- 5% greater disposal efficiency
- 19 more tackles
- 8 more contested possessions
We go to the bottom of the ladder.
ROUND 3 - ADELAIDE
Big test this week as we come up against the Adelaide juggernaut who have won 10 of their last 46 games. We lead comfortably for 90% of the game before losing in the last minute or two. Absolute gun forwards Elliott Himmelberg and Lachlan Gollant kick 8 goals (Both now confined to the SANFL behind superstars Darcy Fogarty, the old racist, and Riley ThrillHO). How'd big Scotty Lycett go? Lost the hitouts 45-29 to Reilly O'Brien? Oh ok.
The Brilliant Mind™ of Ken Hinkley says he still has faith we can make the finals. (For those playing at home this is a team declared Grand Final or bust)
ROUND 4 - MELBOURNE
Where to start? With the loser coach talking up the opposition as a big challenge and borderline unbeatable in the lead up to the game? How'd we go? Ken comes in with a loser plan of trying to clog the game up as much as possible because he doesn't want to be embarrassed by a big a loss. At this point it's all about Ken trying to keep his ******* job.
We roll out a classic Hinkley goalless first quarter then back it up with another goalless quarter to achieve the rare goalless half (History here in the making!). There's a genuine vibe in the air that we may not score a goal for the entire game. Eventually we slot one near the end of the third quarter. Happy days. Melbourne put the cue in the rack as we score the last 3 goals of the game as we narrowly avoid setting all kinds of records for shittest team ever.
Brilliant Mind™ manages to orchestrate 1 goal from our first 40 inside 50s despite us having 50 more disposals than Melbourne for the game. Just brilliant strategic work. If we chip the ball around in the back half pointlessly, they can't score! Absolute genius stuff.
How'd big Scooter go this week? Oh, lost the hitouts, got 10 touches and his opponent was BOG? No worries.
Ken is still "Bullish" on our finals prospects.
ROUND 5 - CAAAAAARLTON
The master vs the apprentice! Michael Voss has got the Blues resurgent as they win 3 of their first 4 games. He used to be one of our assistants btw, we decided to replace him with one of the waterboys who likes lifting weights and shirtless selfies.
We were close. So close. At half time we're hilariously about 50 points down and looking on track to lose by 100+. Ken's papers are almost stamped. Annoyingly, Carlton does a Carlton and we kick 9 goals to 2 in the second half to almost win. Almost, but not quite. Another Brilliant Mind™ trademark is the failed comeback where we storm back to within a goal (Sometimes even hit the front) then immediately slam on the brakes and stop.
The genius says well gee losing 5 in a row ain't so bad, who's to say we can't win 5 in a row youse blokes? Have you seen my cabinet of 5 wins in a row certificates? I've got at least 4.
ROUND 6 - WEAGLES
Wowee boy oh boy! We're back in town with an 84 point victory. Never mind that this proves to be about par as the Eagles are performing at a level on a par with GWS early days and Fitzroy's last days. Sam Hayes 47 hitouts. I dunno about you but I thought Ken was a superhero after this performance.
ROUND 7 - ST KILDA
The brilliant minds of St Kilda wisely decided to sell some of their home games to Cairns. 26 degrees, 10mm of rain and around 85% humidity was the order of the day for one of the most disgusting spectacles of AFL footy since the last time someone played Cairns. Since the early part of the second quarter, St Kilda kick 1 goal 15 behinds in one of the most inaccurate displays of all time. We scrape home by a point in a game that would have been over at half time if they didn't keep missing sitters. In another notable achievement we racked up another Hinkley goalless first quarter. Woohoo!
ROUND 8 - WESTERN BULLFROGS
Arguably our only half decent performance of the year. A win against a middle of the road team missing their best player, with 3 additional injuries during the game. Just for shits and giggles we throw in a Hinkley goalless quarter, but leave it until the end of the game this time instead of the start. In a season highlight, 56kg Cody Weightman decides to try and take out a bloke a foot taller and 50kg heavier than himself. It goes about as well as our season does.
ROUND 9 - NORF
Another historically bad team, with a percentage hovering around 50%. We win by 69 in front of
ROUND 10 - GEELONG
A chance to see where we're actually at. Four wins in a row, but 2 against teams that would struggle in the SANFL and another one in a game played underwater. A team we last played in the qualifying final and flogged off the park. Yeah, it's at their construction site of a home ground but Geelong are looking to be a fairly mediocre team, going 2-2 in their last 4. Coaching mastermind Ken Hinkley nonetheless talks up the big challenge for the widdle battler club this week.
What do we get? A pus-like performance where we never look to be in the game and only Geelong's shithouse accuracy prevents it from being a complete drubbing (27 scoring shots to 12). Next week, an equally s**t Adelaide Crows team manages to meekly put up more of a fight against the Geebung Juggernaught.
ROUND 11 - ESSINGTON
Woohoo! Another game against an absolute rubbish team. Essington have 2 wins for the year and lost their last two games by an average of 45 points. How does the mighty PawPowa stand up to such a massive challenge?
Well, umm.. we turn in a one goal second half with a classic Hinkley goalless last term. After the first quarter, the mighty Essendon outscores us over the last 3 quarters of the game. Oh yeah, Essendon kick 6 goals 14. An absolute turd of a performance, where if Essendon had been remotely competitive in the first quarter, we would have lost the game.
Meanwhile, the media pumps up the AMAZING TURNAROUND from the BRILLIANT MIND of KEN HINKLEY. Will GWS poach this amazing coach??? The poor widdle battlers better try to hold on to him otherwise we might lose him. Better offer him another 4 years!
ROUND 13 - RICHMOND
Someone has to pay for the poor performance against Essendon. Who should the coach make an example of? Not Motlop, who is 31 years old and set to be delisted. No, let's drop the young ruckman who's had to carry the load because our idiot club trading away our backup ruck for a bag of magic beans. That will surely be effective. We lose the hitouts 41-18, but hey, that's great, we can go back to our gameplan of setting up to losing hitouts and at best halve the contest.
How did the rest of the game go? A middle of the road tigers puts the foot down easily at the PORTRESS and doddles home easily in the last. Ken Hinkley bravely avoids any goalless quarters. We decide when two players run head first into each other that we should just duct tape their heads back on and send them out immediately. It looks very desperate and has zero effect whatsoever as neither player does anything of note the rest of the game.
SeE yOu At ThE fOoTy!
