Media Bob's Anatomy

[Tonga Bob]

Well we've made it to the end of the season. And for those that have paid attention to match threads involving the Warriors, each week has provided an individual anatomy lesson which has sought to describe opposition teams to body parts via my regular Know Your Opponents part of the week. There was an Operation board game and everything.



As is tradition these regular contributions are collated into a single form, and this season I have compiled these into a single volume which I call Bob's Anatomy (and no it has nothing to do with my own anatomy, whoch I'm sure will be a relief to all of you). I have gone to the trouble of breaking the book down into four chapters - the head, the torso, the limbs and miscellaneous. So join me please as I describe each of the Sweet FA teams as a particular body part, beginning with chapter one.​

 

[Pugsley]

Isn't anyone concerned when they play that game that his eyes are open?

 

[Tonga Bob]

Chapter One - The Head

Our first chapter looks at the teams whose body parts reside in the head. Some would say that these parts of the body are the most important as they're up the top and contain some of the most well known, and form 62.5% of the bits referenced in the timeless tune Heads, Shoulders, Knees & Toes. But don't be fooled, where a team is referenced is purely due to the individual body part themselves and not the section of the body in which it is contained. Besides, it takes every part of the body to make it function.

Here are the teams that reside in the head.





Fighting Furies - Pre-Frontal Cortex

How do you describe the Furies? They've been around a while, were a fearsome outfit back in the day, embraced several weird personality shifts along the journey, were cleared out like Old Mother Hubbard's pantry when their former captain decided to turn a media bit into a standalone club, had a brief renaissance involving a thousand captains and are now treading water as if they've fallen off Fairstar the Fun Ship. It's almost as if the Furies have had multiple personalities, at least during my time in the SFA.

So what part of the body is responsible for multiple personalities? You'd be right in thinking it's the brain and there are many parts involved. But the part I'm using to describe the Furies is the prefrontal cortex, which is kind of like the control hub of the brain. When it expereinces trauma, like the Furies have in recent times, it goes and does wacky stuff like thinking you're a pirate or a K-Pop girl or such and such. And when things get too wacky, you're in for a lobotomy which is a severing of the prefrontal cortex, rather than it being removed which is what popular culture would have us believe. Since then the Furies have been a lot more docile.

The TL/DR therefore is this - the Furies have seen some shit, it flicked a switch in their head that made then be cray cray, and now that switch has been turned off.





Gold City Royals - Jaw

In previous incarnations of KYO I have equated royalty with inbreeding and the effects thereof, which made the body part to choose for this franchise probably the easiest to choose. And that body part is the jaw.

You see, the physical effects of prolonged inbreeding is physical deformities, and the most famous of these in royal bloodlines is the Habsburg jaw. The Habsburgs were one of the biggest and most powerful royal families in Europe in the Middle Ages, but they rooted each other too much and, after Charles II of Spain (pictured above), died out because their bodies said "NO MORE ROOTING EACH OTHER, I ABDUCATE" so then became a punchline for a gag on an online football-based internet forum.

Other jaw related connections to this franchise are that their recent posting phase can be one described as leading with their jaw, and newly-parachuted captain Robertio has a knack of unlocking his jaw when consuming creamy fookin' pints.




Las Vegas Bears - Nose

It was tough to figure out a body part to describe the Bears with. It could have been their claws, their teeth, their broad shoulders, their hind legs that the stand upright on, their gall bladders (which, like Las Vegas, the Chinese take an absurd amount of interest in), or it could have been their...

































... long paws. But for today's KYO I chose the nose.

A bear's nose is an ideal entry point for cocaine and the Las Vegans freaking LOVE their cocaine, the polar bear's nose is the only part of their body that isn't white so without it they would be invisible (like some Las Vegans) and it's the part of the body that smells which helps determine whether or not they shat in the woods. And let's be honest, the Las Vegans smell.​

 

[T2B_]

When I read the title I was expecting Bob to, well... bare all.

 

[TheInjuryFactory]

View attachment 2616366

Well we've made it to the end of the season. And for those that have paid attention to match threads involving the Warriors, each week has provided an individual anatomy lesson which has sought to describe opposition teams to body parts via my regular Know Your Opponents part of the week. There was an Operation board game and everything.

View attachment 2616367

As is tradition these regular contributions are collated into a single form, and this season I have compiled these into a single volume which I call Bob's Anatomy (and no it has nothing to do with my own anatomy, whoch I'm sure will be a relief to all of you). I have gone to the trouble of breaking the book down into four chapters - the head, the torso, the limbs and miscellaneous. So join me please as I describe each of the Sweet FA teams as a particular body part, beginning with chapter one.​

 

[Tonga Bob]

Chapter Two - The Torso

If the head is the bridge of the body, then the torso is the engine room. It keeps the body running in various ways and has more organs than a Bonnie Blue feature film. More teams feature in the torso than in any other section of the body, which highlights its importance further. Let's see who gets a run in Chapter Two.




Baghdad Bombers - Small Intestine

So we have our Spamalot round of the season with our easterly neighbours the Bombers, so we're gonna need to do a lot of digesting this week. And the body part that helps the most with digesting spam is the small intestine (though the cerebral cortex is also an appropriate answer).

The small intestine sits between the stomach and the large intestine, en route to the body's waste disposal port in the anoos (where the sphincter lives, and for those with good memories that's the body part that we used for the OOFs). Even though it's called the small intestine it's between 3 & 7 metres long and has a very big surface area to digest the spam. It's also helped out by the pancreas, the liver and the gall bladder which is great because some of the more verbose Babylonians need help. And we are here to help.

So the TL/DR of our opponents this week is that they are longer than they need to be and they turn food into shit.




Coney Island Warriors - Heart

It would be remiss of me to not add my own team to Bob's Anatomy, and I am using the heart to describe us. We are central to everything that goes on in the SFA, the blood that we pump keeps Sweet alive, the many close games that we endure are heart attack inducing and our hearts have been broken by the accursed sim more times than the Whore Tree has roots. Plus the heart is the body part associated with love, and I bloody love the Coney Island Warriors. The fact that others love us but at the same time love to see us fail has also not gone unnotcied.




East Side Hawks - Fallopian Tubes

The body part I've chosen to describe this lot is a bit of a stretch but go with me on this one. I've chosen for them the Fallopian tubes.

You read that correctly.

Of all the team mascots in the SFA, the hawk is the only one that lays eggs... well the only one that isn't an imaginary piece of shit mascot that is. And the Fallopian tubes are the part of the body that connects to the bit that makes eggs.

"But why not call the Hawks ovaries Bob?" Reasonable question that. You see, centuries after being named after the Italian Catholic priest and anatomist Gabriele Falloppio there were some idiots that didn't like the fact that there are eponyms (or things named after people) in the human body so they decided to rebrand the Fallopian tubes as uterine tubes before common sense prevailed and everyone went yeah nah we ain't calling them that and so they became Fallopian tubes again which mirrors the recent history of our opponents. And being tubes, you can choke someone with them. Like when the Hawks choked last season and exited finals in straight sets. And before some other idiot has a crack, you can't choke in finals if you don't make them. Check out the big brains on Bob!




Ophidian Old Boys - Sphincter

The next entry is the league's newest franchise, the ironically named Ophidian Old Farts. The OOFs are loud, boisterous, plump and full of hot gassy air, and have a thing for dictating what and/or who comes in and out of their Temu Hogwarts home. So the choice of what body part I should use to describe the Old Farts is pretty obvious - the sphincter.

The sphincter is a muscle located at the entrance to the anoos (although the anoos is actually an exit as opposed to an entrance unless you consider it to be a love muscle) that controls when the body releases farts and shits. A well-functioning sphincter knows when to release such things, while a clapped out one will just let rip willy nilly. Thankfully the Old Farts have put a lot of effort into ensuring that their sphincter is well regulated. The ironic thing is though that they are hell bent on closing their sphincter for those they deem to be coprolitic, leading the OOFs to suffer from constipation and irritability. Explains why some OOFs drag their anoos along the ground.




Roys FFC - Coccyx

The Roys are one of the oldest teams in the competition which contains some of the oldest people in the competiton (or so the trope would have you believe). There's still life in the Gorillas though as their Grand Final appearance last season will attest to. So the body part I'll use to describe the Roys is the coccyx.

Not only is it a funny name, the coccyx is a vestigial part of the body in that it's a relic of a bygone era when humans had tails. That's why it's also called the tailbone. Vestigial body parts are normally considered redundant and kinda useless but, just like the Roys, the coccyx is actually functional in that it serves as an important attachment point for numerous muscles, ligaments, and tendons that aid in stability and daily movement. Plus it's funny to see people fall on them. The other thing to note is that the coccyx is arse-adjacent, and any team that makes a Grand Final is pretty arsey.​

 

[Tonga Bob]

Chapter Three - Limbs

If the head is the bridge and the torso is the engine room of the SS Sweet, then the limbs are the propeller in that they keep the body moving. Unlike the other sections though, it's not the end of the world if you lose a limb. You can get a bionic replacement, or maybe a hook and a peg leg. Either way you'll survive. So which teams find themselves on the limbs?




Dragons FFC - Thumb

The first entry is a team called the Dragons who, for those of you new to these parts, have enjoyed a run of form against us so perverse that some say that they sold their soul to the Delon to obtain such tinarsery. And since the Dragons no longer have a soul, the body part I've chosen to describe them is the thumb.

"Why the thumb, Bob?" I hear you type. Well when I think of the manifestly unjust run that the Dragons are on I'm reminded of Little Jack Horner of nursery rhyme fame, which goes like thus:

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating his Christmas pie;
He put in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, "What a good boy am I!"

You see Little Jack Horner is a lucky prick who drinks his own bathwater, and the rhyme is an allegory for opportunism and excessive greed which perfectly describes our opps. I mean who in their right mind would gouge a family meal with a dirty stinking thumb which has been God-knows-where only to take the best part for themselves? About time the flogs were taken down a peg or thirteen. F*ck that guy.




Mount Buller Demons - Funny Bone

I like the Mount Buller Demons. They make me laugh... well, most of them do. So that's why I linked them to the funny bone. The funny bone is found in the arm which is also apt because the Demons are one of the clubs that do a lot of heavy lifting activity wise in the league.

They're also deceptively sneaky however in that they are outwardly friendly but have a sinister side to them. They are Demons after all. With that in mind it will come as no surprise when I tell you that the funny bone isn't actually a bone but a nerve. The ulnar nerve to be precise, one that runs from the neck to the hand (notice also how it stops before getting to the head, almost as if there is no head to speak of).

"But why is it called the funny bone, Bob?" I hear you type. Well there's two reasons - one is that the nerve runs along the humerus bone in your upper arm, and the other is that some people think hitting the nerve via your elbow feels funny. They are idiots though, who should be laughed at.




Sin City Swamprats - Fingernail

Now we've come to the [checks fixture] Sin City Swamprats, and the body part I'm using to relate them to is the fingernail. Thanks to Halfy's media thread there have been some close results over the journey where fingernails have been bitten. Rats bite as well, so fingers are at risk. The Swamprats also live in a hole which I'm assuming they dug with their hands or claws or whatever they have which means that they have dirt under their fingernails. And fingernails can detect if someone has either a fungal or bacterial infection, or nutritional deficiencies. And the Swamprats are dirty, riddled with diseases and eat shit.




Wonders FFC - Little Toe

The final entry in this chapter belongs to the Wonders.
​

Who TF are the Wonders'

Good question Rusty.
​

Former powerhouse club who has lost their way in modern history. It's why the Coliseum is their home ground.

Equally good answer Baz. But in terms of body parts by which to represent a team that have been around forever, did some good stuff early doors but has been somewhat ignored of late, helps with stability despite being pretty small and hurts like heck when stubbed I shall use the analogy of the little toe. They may have that dog in them but deep down they're more of a pinky - difficult to notice and lives off the efforts of the other toes.​

 

[Tonga Bob]

Chapter Four - Miscellaneous

Our final chapter is necessary due to the fact that there was one team that couldn't be confined to just one section of the body. Greedy buggers. Let's see who it is.




Gumbies FFC - Fatty Parts Of The Body

And that team are the Gumbies, named after a sentient gelatinous mess that somehow got its own TV show. And when I was thinking about what gelatinous mess on a human body to match them to I couldn't pick just one. So here's a few options:

1) Muffin top - named because it looks like the top of a muffin, this is the fatty area around the hips caused by too-tight pants. And muffins are sweet, just like the Gumbies,
2) Bingo wings - the saggy bit of fat that dangles from the forearms of predominantly old people. How old? I ain't saying [turns to GWS Goose and winks] but they're old nonetheless, just like the Gumbies,
3) Turkey wattle - that's the fatty skin that dangles from someone's neck and chin, much like what a turkey has. Turkeys make gobbling noises, just like the Gumbies,
4) Love handles - like muffin tops only sexier, like beez
5) Cankles - fat freaking ankles that hold a lot of water. The Gumbies originate in a place called Geelong, and a lot of people from there have fat freaking ankles.

So fatty parts of the body come with many names. The PFKA AuntyBlindEye has also had many names which is a trope that, much like this writeup, has been flogged to death by now so imma finish up and slip into something more comfortable (a beer, imma slip into a beer).​

 

[Tonga Bob]

Jeez I'm a GLR!

 

[Braklet]

Isn't anyone concerned when they play that game that his eyes are open?

Some people like that better, right Ed_Gein?

 

[Braklet]

As is tradition these regular contributions are collated into a single form, and this season I have compiled these into a single volume which I call Bob's Anatomy (and no it has nothing to do with my own anatomy, whoch I'm sure will be a relief to all of you).​

We've had quite enough of that, thanks, what with your favorite oily GIF.

 

[Greenery]

Chapter One - The Head

Our first chapter looks at the teams whose body parts reside in the head. Some would say that these parts of the body are the most important as they're up the top and contain some of the most well known, and form 62.5% of the bits referenced in the timeless tune Heads, Shoulders, Knees & Toes. But don't be fooled, where a team is referenced is purely due to the individual body part themselves and not the section of the body in which it is contained. Besides, it takes every part of the body to make it function.

Here are the teams that reside in the head.



View attachment 2616419

Fighting Furies - Pre-Frontal Cortex

How do you describe the Furies? They've been around a while, were a fearsome outfit back in the day, embraced several weird personality shifts along the journey, were cleared out like Old Mother Hubbard's pantry when their former captain decided to turn a media bit into a standalone club, had a brief renaissance involving a thousand captains and are now treading water as if they've fallen off Fairstar the Fun Ship. It's almost as if the Furies have had multiple personalities, at least during my time in the SFA.

So what part of the body is responsible for multiple personalities? You'd be right in thinking it's the brain and there are many parts involved. But the part I'm using to describe the Furies is the prefrontal cortex, which is kind of like the control hub of the brain. When it expereinces trauma, like the Furies have in recent times, it goes and does wacky stuff like thinking you're a pirate or a K-Pop girl or such and such. And when things get too wacky, you're in for a lobotomy which is a severing of the prefrontal cortex, rather than it being removed which is what popular culture would have us believe. Since then the Furies have been a lot more docile.

The TL/DR therefore is this - the Furies have seen some shit, it flicked a switch in their head that made then be cray cray, and now that switch has been turned off.​

Have the Furies been lobotomised???

I can only speak for myself when I say the answer is yes, Bob.

 

[Tonga Bob]

We've had quite enough of that, thanks, what with your favorite oily GIF.

As long as I'm not late.

 

[Tonga Bob]

Have the Furies been lobotomised???

I can only speak for myself when I say the answer is yes, Bob.

As the aincent proverb says, I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

 

[Greenery]

As the aincent proverb says, I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Much better option than the methadone clinic, that certainly did me no favours.

 

[Tonga Bob]

Much better option than the methadone clinic, that certainly did me no favours.

Try the methastillgoing clinic then

 

[Greenery]

Try the methastillgoing clinic then

 

[thewizardmelon]

View attachment 2616366

Well we've made it to the end of the season. And for those that have paid attention to match threads involving the Warriors, each week has provided an individual anatomy lesson which has sought to describe opposition teams to body parts via my regular Know Your Opponents part of the week. There was an Operation board game and everything.

View attachment 2616367

As is tradition these regular contributions are collated into a single form, and this season I have compiled these into a single volume which I call Bob's Anatomy (and no it has nothing to do with my own anatomy, whoch I'm sure will be a relief to all of you). I have gone to the trouble of breaking the book down into four chapters - the head, the torso, the limbs and miscellaneous. So join me please as I describe each of the Sweet FA teams as a particular body part, beginning with chapter one.​

Disappointed it’s not your own anatomy, will have to unsubscribe…

 

[Tonga Bob]

Disappointed it’s not your own anatomy, will have to unsubscribe…

 

[thewizardmelon]

View attachment 2624006

Oh sh*t, here we go again

 

[PMBangers]

I like the link to classic Shrek Franchise Character Jack Horner for Drags, thanks Bob