Cricket wedding jokes *help!*

[Rise_up_Stiffy]

Hey there,

I'm the best man for my mates wedding, and he is very much into cricket. I want to make a few gags during my speech comparing married life to cricket. The things I can think of are probably pretty lame (im not really into cricket myself), but I'm wondering if any funnymen on here could help me out?

Stuff like:

- batting above his average with his wife
- bigger chucker than muri (buck's night)
- can remove the cover from his bat now that he's married

etc.

Any funny stuff appreciated! The dirtier the better!

 

[fryingpan]

Get the 12th man CD, there are heaps.

 

[RoosterLad]

Mention something about having a bat with his wife.

 

[jo172]

Went through plenty of partners before establishing a lasting partnership?

 

[Vader]

Cracking one through the covers...

 

[jo172]

You can only hope he/she doesn't declare their innings.

Apparently she's looking forward to being taken behind?

 

[Rise_up_Stiffy]

Excellent! Keep em coming!!

 

[krisholio14]

If he's getting married he must have bowled a maiden over at some point.

No doubt on the wedding night his missus will be keen to get down to his members end and face a couple of balls. As long as she can handle his bouncers she'll be fine.

You never know, if they've been together a while his missus may also want to bring in a third man

I also hope he wasn't going the tonk to cow corner on his bucks night

 

[fryingpan]

Went through plenty of partners before establishing a lasting partnership?

Best one so far.

 

[jo172]

Gets to put on down to her fine leg(s)

Now won't have to 'bat' as aggresively as he is clearly playing for the draw.

Due to marriage his average might improve however his strike rate will plummet.

 

[Rise_up_Stiffy]

I have to thank you guys, some of these are great. Made my job a lot easier! Legends

 

[smoovy]

In reference to a possible closet gay past...

Polished a few balls in his time.

Doesn't mind getting down to the Paddington end to face a few balls.

 

[jo172]

In reference to possible future spousal abuse:

And Johnny knows that if she tries to give him any ledge a short, sharp agressive spell should quieten her up.

 

[tribey]

Something about his missus "running her fingers over his seam rather than being a pure wristy" and the word "Chinamen" must be incorporated at some stage.

Pioneer the "Duckworth-Lewis method" as a form of contraception, if as expected the wicket is extremely wet.

I hope these nuptuals are a high brow affair, btw.

 

[Rise_up_Stiffy]

I hope these nuptuals are a high brow affair, btw.

Very high brow.

 

[Barwick17]

No grass on the wicket (great brazillian joke!)

"Tonight Lets hope he not fielding in 6 foot of grass and goes directly to the target"

'Now that your married you'll be taking orders from the new skipper"

The groom is like Brad Hodge - must realise that no matter how hard he tries, he not going to play any higher than this

 

[Barwick17]

"Now he has someone else to shine his balls"

 

[Barwick17]

Unfortunately his "pitch" isnt the whole 22 yards

 

[Barwick17]

It's easy to see why these two made it - Groom has always loved a couple of bouncers (if she has big knockers)

 

[Barwick17]

Secrets to a successful partnership - keep the field mowed, the pitch hard and always play yourself in before wielding the willow

 

[Punchy Bassett]

Don't aim for off or leg pitch it right on the middle stump.

 

[Barwick17]

"Apparently the groom doesnt mind a bit of leather on wood....."

 

[cmndstab]

Steal a joke from that Cricket special of Sale of the Century or whatever it was and finish with a touching note about how your mate "bowled the maiden over"

 

[NSWCROW]

Try and throw in something about groom not having to " Take the long handle " anymore.

 

[Jumbo]

might want to make mention of how his new box seems a better fit