Dad jokes - add yours

[gokangas]

Paddy was on who wants to be a millionaire.

Host - Old McDonald had a what?
Paddy: Farm
Host: Spell it.
Paddy: I think it is ..........E I E I O

 

[gokangas]

I called a handy man.
Can you do plastering?
No!
Can you do gardening?
No!
Can you do some painting?
No!
I thought you were a handy man?
I am, I just live around the corner - thats handy.

 

[Bertie22]

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

[Grogg]

I went to the Doctor's the other day and he said "You need to stop masturbating"

I said "for how long?"

He replied "At least until I finish this prostate exam"

Lol.

Extra like for putting this in the "Dad Jokes" thread

 

[big_e]

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The Jesus does not like this.

 

[krakouers]

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

 

[krakouers]

 

[gokangas]

I'm terrified of elevators so I'm taking steps to avoid them.

 

[gokangas]

I see that famous Italian chef died. Apparently he just pasta way.

 

[gokangas]

My wife said i never buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold flowers.

 

[gokangas]

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines.

 

[gokangas]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!

 

[Hojuman]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my Porsche Sergeant: What kind of Porsche was it?

Husband: (sobbing) Porsche 991.2 Carrera C4S 7 speed PDK Ambient Lighting pack - Creats headrests. heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, PCM Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black alcantara headlining, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with Black badges. Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - Non smoking pack - Rain sensing wipers, gloss black alloys, PCCB, glass roof, colour coded xenon washer jets, red seat belts.
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant: Don't worry mate We'll find your Porsche

 

[outwecome2play]

Why did the bakers hands smell?

Because he needed a poo

 

[gokangas]

Bloke goes to the doctors.
I think my marriage is over.
How long you been married?
Seven years.
When was the last time you made love?
Seven years.
When was the last time you told your wife you love her?
Seven years.
When was the last time you bought her flowers?
Seven years.
I think I can help you get some magic back into your marriage. Buy some flowers and when you get home, surprise her. Knock on the door and when she answers give her the flowers and tell her you love her. You might be surprised what happens.
OK doc, I will. He buys a bunch of flowers, goes home, knocks on the door. Wife answers.
I love you he says handing her the flowers.
Wife runs inside, drags the lambskin rug in front of the fire, strips off all her clothes lays on the rug legs akimbo and says - this is for the flowers.
What, he says - don't we have a vase?

 

[gokangas]

Old codger calls the fire brigade. My house is on fire - get here quick.
Firey asks - how do we get there?
Old codger - what? Don't you have them big red trucks anymore?

 

[Black2Blue]

Homemade joke of the times...

A tiger saw a pangolin crying and asked what was wrong. The pangolin explained that her baby had been killed by a human with a cricket bat. When the tiger asked the pangolin if she wanted it to take revenge on the human, the pangolin said she already had. The tiger asked how could you hurt a human with a cricket bat...to which the pangolin replied..."I used a fruit bat".

 

[ChoppyGun]

My daughter came in and asked "can I have a book Mark?"

I burst out laughing!!

She's 13 and still doesn't know my name is John.

 

[gokangas]

I received a text today to let me know I had won a prize. It said I have the choice of $200 cash or four tickets to the Elvis Tribute Show. I had to reply to the text - one for the money, two for the show.

 

[gokangas]

The baby wouldn't go to sleep - if a cop was there could he charge him with resisting a rest? (Now THATS a dad joke).

 

[Falconista]

Man to his Therapist, "Doctor, I can't get a Tom Jones song out of my head".
The Therapist replies, "It's not unusual"

 

[gokangas]

I reckon anyone who buys semi dried tomatoes is just impatient.

 

[andana]

Just took an airline to court for losing my luggage.
I lost the case.

Where do watermelons go for holidays?
John Mellencamp

 

[gokangas]

I hear that the Secret Service in America aren't allowed to call out 'get down' if someone has a shot at the President. Now they call out 'Donald Duck'.

 

[Luke72]

Did you hear about the circumcision Dr?

He slipped and got the sack.