Dad jokes - add yours

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Orange Peanut

Norm Smith Medallist
Feb 6, 2013
5,862
25,084
AFL Club
North Melbourne
3 people appear at heaven's gate at the same time. St Peter tells them there is only room for 1 more person today, so whichever of the 3 has pulled off the most extraordinary achievement in their time on earth will be admitted

The first is a man in his 90s. He says "I worked on the initial plans that later became the prototype for the rocket that landed man on the moon"

St Peter is impressed.

The second person is an elderly lady who says "I started a charity that has allowed more more than 1,000 underprivileged children to receive an education. "

St Peter is trying to decide which of these achievements is the most extraordinary when he eyes the 3rd person, an African American man barely out of his teens. He asks the young man if he has achieved anything so extraordinary in his relatively short time on earth.

"Well I did make love to my white girlfriend... against the wall of a town hall... where a KKK meeting was being held... and the Grand Master was her dad. "

St Peter exclaims "that's one of the most extraordinary things I've ever heard!! When did this happen?"

"About 5 minutes ago."
 

1975

Team Captain
Aug 4, 2019
438
1,173
AFL Club
North Melbourne
So, there is a chiropractor who has had a long hard day and is working into the evening too finish his notes, he’s about to close up when a moth comes into his office and says.

Doc you got to help me.

Doctor says,
what seems to be the problem?

Moth reply’s,
I don’t know Doc I guess I can’t stand myself, everything is so bad. Doc, I’ve got this job as a clerk at the town hall and it gives me no comfort or sense of personal satisfaction, In fact I don’t see what purpose I serve at all except to be the brunt of my supervisors jokes and general meanness.
You see Doc he likes to belittle me and he does it I front of all my colleagues.

Doc says,
O dear perhaps you should leave?

Moth reply’s,
no it’s not just that doc, it’s much worse, you see when l go home. Doc, I’ve got this family you see and, and when I look at them I feel nothing, I wake up every morning and look at the woman I once loved, I look into her eyes and feel hollow. Then I go to the bathroom to shave and prepare myself for another day of humiliation and while I’m doing that I look into the mirror, I see a useless coward and feel so depressed and empty. This morning was hard Doc, the very thing that somewhere distant in my memory, that gave me such joy Doc was gone, I passed my son Roger in the hallway and as I desperately searched for a glimpse of that distant joy I once owned, in his eyes I found nothing, nothing but the same cowardice that I see in the bathroom mirror that I have in my own eyes, and my mind wondered to the darkest possible place Doc. I walked on and passed the bedroom door of my daughter Lucinda, I didn’t stop like I used to, It would give me such pride and joy to see her but I knew that the happiness just wouldn’t be there so I didn’t even bother.
I felt like a bird stuck in an oil slick and I was drawn back to the bathroom, back to the bottle of sleeping pills I keep in the bathroom cabinet, the pills that these days brought me my only respite from the misery that my life has become. Doc I wanted to end it all but lm such a coward I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
And here I am, begging! Doc you’ve go to help me! Please!

Doctor says,
I can’t help you I don’t know what to do, you need a psychiatrist not chiropractor, why did you come to me!?

Moth says,

I saw your light on 💡
 

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rickety

Premium Gold
Nov 3, 2007
7,082
14,480
Postmans' Reef
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Other Teams
swfc, carrum cowboys
Bloke goes to a fancy dress party just in his jocks. Rings the doorbell and when his mate opens the door he says "mate, it's fancy dress, what are you doing?" Bloke goes "I'm premature ejaculation - I've just come in my pants" 🙃

Same bloke goes to another fancy dress party piggybacking his girlfriend. Rings the doorbell and when his mate opens the door he says "mate, it's fancy dress, what are you doing?" Bloke goes "I've come as a tortoise, and this is Michelle" 🙃
 

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