Dad jokes - add yours

[Nate7]

You need the services of Le Grille esq. for that kind of claim.

Not at all. Old man Z "showed me the ropes".

 

[Samsquanch]

Not at all. Old man Z "showed me the ropes".

In that case you will probably be needing one of these...

 

[Samsquanch]

Cheer up folks. It is christmas. Gather the family around and enjoy:-

 

[krakouers]

 

[QueenslandRoo]

Played board games tonight with the family. My son ate several of the Scrabble tiles.

When he goes to the toilet tomorrow, it's going to spell trouble.

 

[Bertie22]

The Government in Egypt has instructed all taxi drivers in Cairo to drive around sounding their car horns. It is hoped that a return to familiar city sounds will restore calm after the pandemic. Operation toot 'n calm 'em will last for a week.

 

[tazaa]

The Government in Egypt has instructed all taxi drivers in Cairo to drive around sounding their car horns. It is hoped that a return to familiar city sounds will restore calm after the pandemic. Operation toot 'n calm 'em will last for a week.

Delete this

 

[Hojuman]

 

[Bertie22]

View attachment 1034124

Oldie but a goldie Hoj!

 

[Orange Peanut]

3 people appear at heaven's gate at the same time. St Peter tells them there is only room for 1 more person today, so whichever of the 3 has pulled off the most extraordinary achievement in their time on earth will be admitted

The first is a man in his 90s. He says "I worked on the initial plans that later became the prototype for the rocket that landed man on the moon"

St Peter is impressed.

The second person is an elderly lady who says "I started a charity that has allowed more more than 1,000 underprivileged children to receive an education. "

St Peter is trying to decide which of these achievements is the most extraordinary when he eyes the 3rd person, an African American man barely out of his teens. He asks the young man if he has achieved anything so extraordinary in his relatively short time on earth.

"Well I did make love to my white girlfriend... against the wall of a town hall... where a KKK meeting was being held... and the Grand Master was her dad. "

St Peter exclaims "that's one of the most extraordinary things I've ever heard!! When did this happen?"

"About 5 minutes ago."

 

[1975]

So, there is a chiropractor who has had a long hard day and is working into the evening too finish his notes, he’s about to close up when a moth comes into his office and says.

Doc you got to help me.

Doctor says,
what seems to be the problem?

Moth reply’s,
I don’t know Doc I guess I can’t stand myself, everything is so bad. Doc, I’ve got this job as a clerk at the town hall and it gives me no comfort or sense of personal satisfaction, In fact I don’t see what purpose I serve at all except to be the brunt of my supervisors jokes and general meanness.
You see Doc he likes to belittle me and he does it I front of all my colleagues.

Doc says,
O dear perhaps you should leave?

Moth reply’s,
no it’s not just that doc, it’s much worse, you see when l go home. Doc, I’ve got this family you see and, and when I look at them I feel nothing, I wake up every morning and look at the woman I once loved, I look into her eyes and feel hollow. Then I go to the bathroom to shave and prepare myself for another day of humiliation and while I’m doing that I look into the mirror, I see a useless coward and feel so depressed and empty. This morning was hard Doc, the very thing that somewhere distant in my memory, that gave me such joy Doc was gone, I passed my son Roger in the hallway and as I desperately searched for a glimpse of that distant joy I once owned, in his eyes I found nothing, nothing but the same cowardice that I see in the bathroom mirror that I have in my own eyes, and my mind wondered to the darkest possible place Doc. I walked on and passed the bedroom door of my daughter Lucinda, I didn’t stop like I used to, It would give me such pride and joy to see her but I knew that the happiness just wouldn’t be there so I didn’t even bother.
I felt like a bird stuck in an oil slick and I was drawn back to the bathroom, back to the bottle of sleeping pills I keep in the bathroom cabinet, the pills that these days brought me my only respite from the misery that my life has become. Doc I wanted to end it all but lm such a coward I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
And here I am, begging! Doc you’ve go to help me! Please!

Doctor says,
I can’t help you I don’t know what to do, you need a psychiatrist not chiropractor, why did you come to me!?

Moth says,

I saw your light on

 

[Orange Peanut]

 

[The Dingrel]

Terrorist walks into a petshop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, "its going off in 20 seconds"
tortoise at the back of the shop says "C...t"

 

[Falconista]

Fish keep dying in a river. Some think it's a Religious sign....for others it's an act of cod.

 

[Lit_Dorito]

I put a world map on the dartboard, handed the missus a dart and said "wherever it lands, I'll take you on a holiday". Turns out we're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

 

[Lit_Dorito]

What do you call two blokes standing above a window: Kurt and Rod

 

[Lit_Dorito]

Bought a dog off a Locksmith. Soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

 

[rickety]

Bloke goes to a fancy dress party just in his jocks. Rings the doorbell and when his mate opens the door he says "mate, it's fancy dress, what are you doing?" Bloke goes "I'm premature ejaculation - I've just come in my pants"

Same bloke goes to another fancy dress party piggybacking his girlfriend. Rings the doorbell and when his mate opens the door he says "mate, it's fancy dress, what are you doing?" Bloke goes "I've come as a tortoise, and this is Michelle"

 

[andana]

What is furry and minty?
A polo bear.

 

[Samsquanch]

When I was a kid my friend told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. That sounded like the best advice I’d ever been given so one time I burst in through the door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

 

[Orange Peanut]

 

[gokangas]

A friend of mine just got back from Switzerland. I asked what is the best thing about Switzerland? He said their flag is a big plus.

 

[gokangas]

I gave a friend all of my used batteries today - free of charge.

 

[gokangas]

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

 

[gokangas]

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.