Dad jokes - add yours

[gokangas]

Went to visit dad in his nursing home and noticed the night staff giving all the old guys viagara. "Aren't they a bit old for that sorta stuff," I asked. "Of course"," she said. "We give them a dose each night because it stops them rolling out of bed."

 

[Kimbo]

How do you know when a clown farts?

It smells funny.

It would be the only element that is.

 

[Nate7]

What's the worst combination of two sicknesses?
Diarrhoea and Alzheimers - as you're running but you don't know where!

 

[domiroo]

When you’re driving past a cemetery and you say .. people are dying to get in there ..

 

[gokangas]

When you’re driving past a cemetery and you say .. people are dying to get in there ..

Or when someone asks you where the cemetery is and you say "its the dead centre of town".

 

[Luke72]

what’s pink, wrinkly and hangs out your undies?

Your Grandma

 

[Gippy Roo]

An elderly couple were in church..

The woman whispers to her husband, "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

He softly replied, "Get a new battery for your hearing aid."


On iPhone using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[Pistol Night]

Why did the girl give up tap dancing? She kept falling in the sink.

 

[gokangas]

Old codger goes to the doctor with an earache. "You have a suppository in your ear", says the doctor. "Thank god," says the old codger. "Now I know where my hearing aid is".

 

[domiroo]

Or when someone asks you where the cemetery is and you say "its the dead centre of town".

 

[Orange Peanut]

Guy waiting for his order at the fish n chip shop notices the owner has brown bags tucked under each armpit. He asks her what they are and she says "they're your hamburgers. I'm keeping them warm while the rest of your order cooks."
He says "ok thanks, but cancel the crab stick please "

 

[Waynesworld]

Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

 

[Kimbo]

Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

Which kids is this Dad telling the joke to?

 

[Kimbo]

Disclaimer- not a dad joke but most appropriate thread.

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.


In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to learn how to play the guitar, but the issue is, I'm a horse. Can you help me?"
The music teacher says, "Not a problem, I've taught many animals to play instruments before, this'll be nothing."


After months of practice, the Horse gets really good at guitar.


Horse soon realizes that the music video had 4 people in it, and to recreate it, he would need help from his friends.

So he calls up his friend Duck and says, "Duck, I saw this really cool music video on line that I want to recreate. I learned how to play guitar and I want you to learn the keyboard."


Sure enough, Duck gets the contact information from Horse of the man who taught him to play guitar and calls him up.


"Hi, I heard that you taught my friend Horse how to play guitar, and I was wondering if you could teach me how to play keyboard? There's an issue though, I'm a duck."


The man replies "Sure! I taught Horse to play guitar, surely I can teach you how to play keyboard."


After a few more months of lessons and practicing, Horse and Duck are really good at guitar and keyboard.


Remembering that they needed 4 people, they called up their friend Cat.

"Hey cat, we need more people to recreate this music video and we want you to learn how to play drums," so Cat calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn drums, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and I'm a cat. Can you help?"


The teacher says, "Sure! I can teach any animal to play any instrument.


As figured, the three animals are practicing and taking lessons and they all get very good at their instruments.


Finally, they realized they needed a fourth person for their band, so they call their friend pig and give him the rundown.


Horse calls him and says, "Pig look, the three of us can all play the guitar, drums, and keyboard, now we just need you to play bass," so of course, pig calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn how to play the bass, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and Cat to play the drums, and I'm a pig. Can you help?"

"Of course!," he says. "I can teach any animal to play any instrument.


It's been around a year at this point, and the animals are finally ready to recreate the music video.


Horse sets up the recording equipment at his house, and they successfully recreate the music video and upload it to the internet, and it is a HUGE hit.


After millions of views on their now viral music video, they get a call from a talent agency. They schedule a meeting, and at the meeting, the manager says, "Guys look, you're 4 animals who can all play instruments and sing, you are obviously very intelligent and we want to send you on tour."


The animals are ecstatic, and accept the offer.

After just a few short months of the 4 animals being on tour, they are very popular.


One day, while on tour, Horse gets a phone call from the manager.


"Horse, look. We just received word that your grandmother is in the hospital dying and we think it'd be best if you flew back home to see her." Horse regretfully obliges and has his understudy fill in for him while he's gone.


Horse gets to the hospital back home to find that his beloved grandmother is already dead, with no known final words or will.


Horse is devastated, after flying back all that way for her to just be dead.


Horse has been sitting in the hospital for a couple hours at this point, trying to help as he can with the issue at hand. In the middle of the chaos, Horse gets another phone call from his manager.


"Horse, look. I heard that your grandmother just died and I'm very sorry, but I have more tragic news. The tour bus with all of your friends, roadies, and understudies has flipped and no one survived. I'm very sorry."


Horse is obviously in hysterics at this point, and is on the verge of going mad. After he calms down, and some time passes, horse decides to head to a local club to take his mind off of things.


The horse walks into the club, walks up to the bar, and the bartender says, "Hey Horse, why the long face?"

Technically, a "shaggy dog" joke.

 

[Kimbo]

Sand Crab and Mud Crab had been friends since they were born, and loved to play together in the surf. They were inseparable and did everything together.

One day, a speed-boat passed over the top of where they were playing. The propeller caught them both, and they were smashed to smithereens...

Now Mud Crab had always been a good little crab, said his prayers every night, and always helped others, so he went to Heaven.

Sand Crab, on the other hand, had been very naughty. He would make ugly faces behind the teacher's back, and pinch girl's bottoms when they weren't looking. There was only one place for him, and that place was Hell...

Mud Crab was very happy in Heaven, and for a few hundred years, he did his chores without complaint. Each morning he happily fluffed up all the clouds, and in the afternoon would polish the rainbows.

He missed Sand Crab though, and one day he approached St Peter, asking if, since he had been so good, could he take some time off and visit his old friend, Sand Crab, in Hell.

St. Peter scratched his head for a minute. 'This is highly irregular you know,' he said kindly. 'But yes, you have been very good, and the clouds have never been fluffier, and the rainbows never brighter.'

He thought for a minute, then said: 'Alright Mud Crab, you can visit your friend on two conditions: first you must take your Harp with you, and secondly, you must be back by midnight.'...

Happily clutching his Harp, Mud Crab slid down a passing rainbow and soon arrived at the Gates of Hell. He asked the gatekeeper if he knew Sand Crab, and was very pleased when the gatekeeper told him that of course he did. 'Everyone here knows Sand Crab,' he said. 'He runs the biggest Disco in Hell, right over there.

Mud Crab ran to the Disco, and soon found Sand Crab, who was, of course, overjoyed to see his old friend. They clicked their claws in joy at seeing each other again. They drank and talked about old times for hours, until, all of a sudden, it seemed, Mud Crab realised it was two minutes to midnight.

'No way!' says Sand Crab, the time went far too quickly. 'I know,' said Mud Crab, 'but let's do this again, if I can,' rushing to leave as quickly as he could and hurriedly saying goodbye, he ran outside the Gates of Hell, and luckily caught a passing cloud that whisked him straight back to Heaven.

St Peter was standing at the gate tapping his watch. 'Just in time, Mud Crab.' He smile, however, quickly turned to a frown as he peered at Mud Crab. 'Mud Crab... where is your Harp?'

'Oh dear,' said Mud Crab. [wait for it....]






'I left my Harp in Sand Crab's Disco!'

 

[Waynesworld]

Sand Crab and Mud Crab had been friends since they were born, and loved to play together in the surf. They were inseparable and did everything together.

One day, a speed-boat passed over the top of where they were playing. The propeller caught them both, and they were smashed to smithereens...

Now Mud Crab had always been a good little crab, said his prayers every night, and always helped others, so he went to Heaven.

Sand Crab, on the other hand, had been very naughty. He would make ugly faces behind the teacher's back, and pinch girl's bottoms when they weren't looking. There was only one place for him, and that place was Hell...

Mud Crab was very happy in Heaven, and for a few hundred years, he did his chores without complaint. Each morning he happily fluffed up all the clouds, and in the afternoon would polish the rainbows.

He missed Sand Crab though, and one day he approached St Peter, asking if, since he had been so good, could he take some time off and visit his old friend, Sand Crab, in Hell.

St. Peter scratched his head for a minute. 'This is highly irregular you know,' he said kindly. 'But yes, you have been very good, and the clouds have never been fluffier, and the rainbows never brighter.'

He thought for a minute, then said: 'Alright Mud Crab, you can visit your friend on two conditions: first you must take your Harp with you, and secondly, you must be back by midnight.'...

Happily clutching his Harp, Mud Crab slid down a passing rainbow and soon arrived at the Gates of Hell. He asked the gatekeeper if he knew Sand Crab, and was very pleased when the gatekeeper told him that of course he did. 'Everyone here knows Sand Crab,' he said. 'He runs the biggest Disco in Hell, right over there.

Mud Crab ran to the Disco, and soon found Sand Crab, who was, of course, overjoyed to see his old friend. They clicked their claws in joy at seeing each other again. They drank and talked about old times for hours, until, all of a sudden, it seemed, Mud Crab realised it was two minutes to midnight.

'No way!' says Sand Crab, the time went far too quickly. 'I know,' said Mud Crab, 'but let's do this again, if I can,' rushing to leave as quickly as he could and hurriedly saying goodbye, he ran outside the Gates of Hell, and luckily caught a passing cloud that whisked him straight back to Heaven.

St Peter was standing at the gate tapping his watch. 'Just in time, Mud Crab.' He smile, however, quickly turned to a frown as he peered at Mud Crab. 'Mud Crab... where is your Harp?'

'Oh dear,' said Mud Crab. [wait for it....]






'I left my Harp in Sand Crab's Disco!'

Wow and you said mine was bad!

 

[Kimbo]

Wow and you said mine was bad!

Did I?

 

[Ether]

Sand Crab and Mud Crab had been friends since they were born....

I have joined BF just so i can add that that is a ripper. It is borderline shaggy dog but you are far less likely to be punched after telling it than tectonic's.

 

[Pistol Night]

Which kids is this Dad telling the joke to?

The Fritzl's?

 

[gokangas]

Three blokes are killed in a car rash on Christmas Day and arrive at the gates of heaven. St Peter greets them - 'today is the bosses birthday so if you can pass one test I can return you to life on earth. Show me something you have on you that is Christmas.'

First bloke has a Christmas card in his pocket that he was to give to a friend.
OK says St Peter and he is instantly back on earth.

Second one fidgets around and pulls a piece of mistletoe out of the back of his shirt - the car had landed on the plant.
OK says St Peter and he is instantly back on earth.

Third one searches through his pockets furiously and eventually pulls out a pair of ladies knickers. St Peter questions him - 'they have nothing to do with Christmas!'

Yes they do says bloke three - they're Carols.

 

[gokangas]

Snow White is home preparing dinner for the seven dwarves when someone runs in screaming that the mine has collapsed and all the dwarves are trapped. Snow White rushes to the mine. The rescuers have started digging but hold little hope of any survivors.

Snow White races to the mine entrance and tells everyone to be quiet. She places her ear to the ground and hears a weak, drawling voice singing “Good old Collingwood forever”. Keep digging, she yells - at least Dopey is still alive.

 

[gokangas]

Bloke walks into the doctors.
Whats the problem?
My penis is turning orange.
Let me take a look. Hmmmm. You’re right. What do you do for a living - could this be work related?
I don’t work at all.
So what do you do all day?
Most days I sit at home, watch pr0n and eat cheezels.

 

[B4Bear]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

 

[gokangas]

I love Halloween - for one day all the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.

 

[gokangas]

Why do witches wear name tags? So they know which witch is which.