Dad jokes - add yours

[SonofSamsquanch]

Why did the accountant go crazy?

He started to hear invoices in his head.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked a bit surprised.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I love eye jokes.

The cornea the better!

 

[gokangas]

A kid walks into a chemist -
Do you handle condoms, he asks.
Yes, of course says the pharmacist.
Well wash your hands coz I want some jelly beans.

 

[Roscoe]

I came out of my local Woolies this mornin,and run into a kid bawling his eyes out.Turns out he had lost $200.Well,feelin bad for the poor little bugger, I slung him $40 from the $200 I had found.Cripes I felt good.When God blesses you ,you must bless others.

 

[gokangas]

My grandma is 80% Irish - they call her Iris.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

When I did my statistics course at school, we were taken to a farm to count cows.

I counted 98 cows in the paddock but when I rounded them up, I got 100.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they hide is more important than what they reveal.

 

[gokangas]

I was just at Coles and a woman collapsed and had convulsions at the check out. It was pretty bad but thankfully they opened another register.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

My wife and I went to a restaurant tonight for the first time in ages. The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight. Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said thanks - now take these drinks to table 10 and get their meal order.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

Tomorrow is the first day of diarrhoea awareness week.

Runs until Friday

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I took my dog to the water park.

Staff said it was against regulations, but this time they'd let it slide.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus.

But graphing is where I draw the line.

 

[gokangas]

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably s**t.

 

[gokangas]

I was raised as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

 

[gokangas]

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

 

[gokangas]

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

 

[gokangas]

Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

Coming up next, the secret to make playing your guitar sound better.








Stay tuned.

 

[gokangas]

I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on me. He’s not dead, just very condescending.

 

[gokangas]

My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance.

 

[gokangas]

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

Good thing I turned myself around.

 

[gokangas]

My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17 year old defendant, who hasn’t been named.