Remove this Banner Ad

Health Depression

🥰 Love BigFooty? Join now for free.

superfraser said:
I feel like many years ago in this thread someone shared with us that they were selling up everything and starting a new life. I'm certainly wondering if this is you.

Well done! Glad you're well!
Click to expand...

Yeah mate, that would be me :)

For those of you doing it tough - it takes courage, to get up and keep going, every day. I know I have to work, all the time, to avoid looking at my life through an old, cracked lens - for that way lies despair.

Keep the faith - there's no "getting somewhere" in life, wherein all the problems are solved and all the difficulties go away. Life is a journey and journeys have good bits, rough bits, shit bits, outrageous bits, fluffy bits.....what matters is whether you feel you can rise to those difficult times.....and depression, anxiety etc take that away from you. But it's still there, that steel, inside you. That's what keeps you rolling, every day.

The steel.

If you get up in the morning, you got steel.
If you hold down a job, a home, a family, a business, you got steel.
If you watch the footy, even in the bad years, you got steel.

If you feel like trash and reach out.....you got steel.

Steel in life is like class in footy.....it never goes away. I figured out I needed to do things differently, and once I started that path (and it was naturally a whole lot more specific than just "do things differently") I found my steel again.

Hi5 all, peace, good luck in all things and be kind, always :)
 
SeaOfFire said:
Yeah mate, that would be me :)

For those of you doing it tough - it takes courage, to get up and keep going, every day. I know I have to work, all the time, to avoid looking at my life through an old, cracked lens - for that way lies despair.

Keep the faith - there's no "getting somewhere" in life, wherein all the problems are solved and all the difficulties go away. Life is a journey and journeys have good bits, rough bits, shit bits, outrageous bits, fluffy bits.....what matters is whether you feel you can rise to those difficult times.....and depression, anxiety etc take that away from you. But it's still there, that steel, inside you. That's what keeps you rolling, every day.

The steel.

If you get up in the morning, you got steel.
If you hold down a job, a home, a family, a business, you got steel.
If you watch the footy, even in the bad years, you got steel.

If you feel like trash and reach out.....you got steel.

Steel in life is like class in footy.....it never goes away. I figured out I needed to do things differently, and once I started that path (and it was naturally a whole lot more specific than just "do things differently") I found my steel again.

Hi5 all, peace, good luck in all things and be kind, always :)
Click to expand...
Courage or stupidity?
Right now sick of work.
Why continue? For what purpose?
 
SeaOfFire said:
Yeah mate, that would be me :)

For those of you doing it tough - it takes courage, to get up and keep going, every day. I know I have to work, all the time, to avoid looking at my life through an old, cracked lens - for that way lies despair.

Keep the faith - there's no "getting somewhere" in life, wherein all the problems are solved and all the difficulties go away. Life is a journey and journeys have good bits, rough bits, shit bits, outrageous bits, fluffy bits.....what matters is whether you feel you can rise to those difficult times.....and depression, anxiety etc take that away from you. But it's still there, that steel, inside you. That's what keeps you rolling, every day.

The steel.

If you get up in the morning, you got steel.
If you hold down a job, a home, a family, a business, you got steel.
If you watch the footy, even in the bad years, you got steel.

If you feel like trash and reach out.....you got steel.

Steel in life is like class in footy.....it never goes away. I figured out I needed to do things differently, and once I started that path (and it was naturally a whole lot more specific than just "do things differently") I found my steel again.

Hi5 all, peace, good luck in all things and be kind, always :)
Click to expand...
Thinking of doing the same. Thou I'd drive and live in a tent.
**** this way of living
 

Log in to remove this Banner Ad

Man I had an awful day yesterday. Was almost in tears in a class.
(I suddenly found myself very busy in the corner cleaning out a filing cabinet so no one would notice).



Was going to take a mental health day today, but glad I didnt. Its been a good day at school.
 
Run n Spread said:
Maybe. I should. I'm a city boy but honestly I'm that ****ing unhappy that maybe I need to change and should. I sure as shit don't fit in a city and won't a country town just better by myself on the road
Click to expand...
But that's the beauty of it. You can go anywhere you like, including cities.

Sell everything you own and buy a nice converted van or something.
 

Remove this Banner Ad

So, here we are....homeless, unemployed and with $28.00 to my name.....the joys of life's adventure, n'est-ce pas? :D

My first dole payment will be $120, paid this coming Wednesday, then the full benefit a fortnight after that. In the interim, **** knows how I will eat ahaha, but hey....be thankful is the mantra from the gilded Halls of Therapy and Self-help, present in every psych text and defiantly announced as the beginning of healing.

Oh yeah.....healing....ezpz.

I can source another 6-8 days of couch surfing and after that, I'm out of ideas. 27 individual contacts (phone or email) to various crisis services, both community/government and religious have thus far yielded.....2 responses, both of which simply point me to another organisation and in both cases I have already contacted them.

Still....I was a street kid in my youth for a few months, so I suppose I can do it again.....it's a campaigner, but eh. That's life.

It's a beautiful thing, in an existential, depressing fashion.....when the light of realisation flickers on to a well-meaning but sadly naive and shackled person behind the counter, or on the phone, when the illusion of our society begins to crumble under the weight of actual lived experience of a person needing assistance and the grim truth begins to dawn.

Those moments I treasure. It's the little things I guess.

The poor, the infirm, the elderly, the disabled, the disenfranchised....these are the sectors of our society which are harvesting the bitter fruit of humanity's administrators and decision-makers worldwide, across decades.

We now cannot actually help everyone in crisis, never mind those in need. Soon it will be those at the lower end of the income scale in more significant numbers.

Fortunately, I am very familiar with the service administrators and health professionals, I understand that triage is a thing.....for it is both medical triage AND economic triage at play. I get it. Balance sheets, costs, funding, capacity etc all play a role in the process. But don't believe for a second that it makes a lick of difference in the end....all of us are simply statistics and potential litigants in this dance.

I like challenging the wonderful comforting fantasy of our society.....mateship (lol), good communities (lol), people help those in need (lol) and all the other tropes that fuel our national and worldwide cognitive dissonance.

And I understand it, I really do....people have to make cost-benefit risk assessments relative to their situation. That's perfectly reasonable.....in this society that we have created. But, that's not the ONLY way society can be, it is just the one that we have selected across the years and across the continents.

There is an acceptable rate of inflation.
There is an acceptable number of unemployed.
There is, now, an acceptable number of homeless.

Statistics.

I'm lucky. I can bleed.

My left arm, from my elbow to my wrist, looks like a map of London's Tube network. The ability to bleed is something everyone can do....I can just do it faster and easier and without a great deal of thought. Knife, fork, the lid of a tin of baked beans....hell, I've even used my teeth.

In life's ledger of Achievements, it was my third Story Bridge (attempted) leap that caused the State Government to fully cage the pedestrian walkway across it. I apologise to all those influencers who these days can't get a viral hit on a cool photo due to the metal interfering with the view. I'll take that.

So...the path I'm walking now is a delicate one, because I cannot afford to be sectioned again. It's tough getting discharged at the best of times (having a safe place to sleep, food, a job).....I seriously doubt I'd be seeing Christmas outside of the ward were that to happen.

But, ultimately, my situation isn't sustainable, of that there's no doubt. So, if I absolutely have to "put on a show" to get some help, I guess that will have to happen. But we will see....it's a last resort option and my energy for the fight is still in the green.

No Australian left behind....didn't Albo babble something like that? It's almost as cute as Hawke's "no child in poverty" statement from all those years ago.....utter garbage, a reinforcement of the dissonance that is substituted for meaningful, effective policy and direction.

When I work, I pay taxes. I am thus, nominally at least, of economic value.
In this condition, I am a cost, nothing more.

Vets and pet owners face this truth in the last days of their animals' lives. We can discuss the morality and ethics around that, but we must also be aware that with commodification of everything, all of us are now liable to be the sad-eyed, pained and fading animal on the bed as the vet and owner discuss options.

Our entire society gets more and more foreign to me, every day. Which I guess is ok, because I am clearly a failure and I'm obviously wrong. But I comfort myself in the cold wind knowing that I didn't build this world.

I reject this society, without any snarls of regret.
I reject it's values (actual, not perceived), it's direction, it's justifications.
I reject the notion of "Aussie" mateship and community as the complete and utter lie that it is, a fabrication designed to comfort and soothe the dissonance.

Oh, what's that you say? That I should be lucky I live somewhere where there is a social security framework?

Thanks for playing bro, you're part of the problem.But that's ok - I don't judge you.

Because I've learnt that acceptance is the path to healing and fulsomeness, that judging someone doesn't help, that blind faith in a system leads to tyranny and that I am not defined by my illness.....

....except, to get help, I have to be judged by that system, and that system will define me by my illness......

Ahaha, perhaps now you begin to see the threads of that dissonance, like the neon green text of the Matrix. It's beautiful.

Depression is living in the past.
Anxiety arises from living in the future.
And life is always lived in the present.

Hope? I cannot afford hope, because that puts me in the future.
Gratitude? I cannot afford gratitude, because I've learnt that everybody, even good friends of 20+ years (I used to have some, but not anymore) will ultimately betray you.
Fear? I'm not afraid for myself, at all.

I hope for you all though.....I hope you can all take leave of this post and find something more fulfilling to do. I hope you will have gratitude for the things you enjoy, the people you are with and life you are living. But I fear that you too will end up like me, one day, despite all of your efforts to avoid sinking into that inky darkness of despair.....

.....and all the while, the patriotic chords of dissonance echo in the halls of parliament and the dim corridors of the ward at midnight, in the workplaces and boardrooms, a comforting, sonorous whisper that answers the questions we never ask.

My humanity, my emotion, my empathy....all of these are felt more keenly by me than anyone I have ever met. I don't put much store on concepts like "I'm an Empath", but the ability to read emotions, to communicate across language or age or cultural barrier is a skill I appear to possess.....to my demise. It's tough to commodify caring about the world, it doesn't have a metric that can be numerised, measured and then economised.

So, in the absence of a better way, it's easier to just remove my humanity from the equation and return me to the basket of statistics.

Luckily, I still have energy for the fight.....because, I already haven't got much left to lose. If what's left is taken from me as well......ahaha, well, you know what they say about someone with nothing left to lose.

But I'm not there yet. At least not tonight.

Peace.
 
Last edited:
I mean, let's look at the housing situation in this country.....

We all know what the landscape is in that sphere. And we also know that there would terabytes of sound and vision of Australian politicians contributing little more than "thoughts and prayers", in the manner of Americans following a school shooting.

We like to claim superiority over Americans at those times.....but our housing policy is much the same as their gun policy. Everyone knows what path to start on to fix the problem, but nobody has the political will to pursue it.

This "aspirational society" (Howard's words, from memory) is just a delicate repackaging of neo-liberal economics, a hierarchical pyramid. The battlers battle and the only hope of going UP in that society is to exploit those below. Hence, rising rents, property barons, the repellent news stories of 20-somethings with exorbitant real estate portfolios....

The notion that the family home is a vehicle of investment and a primary asset should offend everybody in this country....but it doesn't. If you even TRY to have a conversation about it, the lack of imagination, the unwillingness to countenance or consider changes to enable some sort of equality about it will show how futile it is.

in the absence of the person in the street having the capacity to envisage change, we look to our leaders. And since the leaders are part of the very system that delivers profits to them, there is no chance for progressive, measured, responsible and prescient discourse.

Just thoughts and prayers. Ahaha.

I return, always, to the dissonance.

I live in a different world, because I have to - when I'm struggling, all the therapeutic methodology I have been taught over the years comes to the fore.

Don't overthink, one day at a time, look at the positives, maintain healthy practices, avoid triggering environments.....all useful, but they mask the underlying problem....

.....that I live in a world of liars and exploiters, in a system which not only demands that, but it REWARDS that.

And I'm the crazy guy?
I'm the problem?

Ahaha, beautiful.

If "Aussie values" were in fact a thing.....you know, helping a mate, lifting the downtrodden up, all that bullshit.....then how is this society possible?

How is it possible I see families living in tents and cars? How is it possible we are happily watching the gulf in wealth, in security, in capacity widen, year after year after year? How is it possible hospitals and communities are scrambling for the crumbs of funding? How is it possible I have to justify my existence?

Because it is a lie, a fantasy....it's Al Gore's Inconvenient Truth/Comforting Lie.

I confess I watch with unbridled glee at the climate scenarios which are now playing out. When I see floods and cyclones and fires, I take the same "aspirational view".....I want more like that please. I want the world to burn because it pleases me and makes me happy and my needs are more important than your needs, right?

I don't need help.
I need understanding.

But to understand something, you need to first care enough to study it, to engage with it, to spend energy thinking about it. But that's too hard, so we'll just (eventually) throw some coin at this guy and he'll go away.

It's exactly the same philosophy around victim-survivors and a church or business making an out of court settlement payment.

The system is working fine, let's just cough up some bucks and keep on truckin'..........because there's plenty more money in the world and plenty more souls to exploit and destroy, and there appears to be no shortage of either for future "growth".

I stopped voting years ago - oh, I vote, but it's always informal. I learnt a long time ago that there is no relationship between what I want and what I get from government - it is completely and totally beyond my control. And despite wanting to engineer change in times past, doing so brought me to dark places as the barriers, the vitriol, the insouciance, the stupidity, the shortsightedness of government at every level, of business and of the broader community is shown as a behemoth that is too big to challenge.

So, I hope that the world is now the Titanic, moments after impact.

Some people think everything is cool and keep dancing whilst some are already losing their lives trying to keep the ship afloat.

But what is incontrovertible, what is a truth that cannot be challenged and a reality that cannot be avoided.....the ship is going down.

Whether that means the world does, in fact, burn or whether it means we manage to stay afloat as a species grimly clinging to a life raft, is yet to be decided - but the ship itself, that expensive shiny thing that was vaunted as unsinkable, will in fact sink.

Good.
 
Last edited:
So, I’m here. Tired, dirty, hungry. But fighting.

Lads, if you’re struggling - remember the steel.

Life mightn’t be great for you, but please please please try to stay strong.

Talk with your friends, your family, your workplace, health professionals - do whatever you can to not end up somewhere like this. It isn’t pretty.

There’s an astounding level of care and community here, of compassion and understanding without judgement - but you cannot escape the reality of where you are.

Accept your reality.

When the dark thoughts close in and you feel it is all too much - come volunteer at somewhere like this. Helping others doing it tough can be enormously therapeutic and may help you reflect on your own life and see it in a different light.

Keep fighting dudes.

I ain’t giving up just yet.

💪🤘👍✌️🙏
 
SeaOfFire said:
So, I’m here. Tired, dirty, hungry. But fighting.

Lads, if you’re struggling - remember the steel.

Life mightn’t be great for you, but please please please try to stay strong.

Talk with your friends, your family, your workplace, health professionals - do whatever you can to not end up somewhere like this. It isn’t pretty.

There’s an astounding level of care and community here, of compassion and understanding without judgement - but you cannot escape the reality of where you are.

Accept your reality.

When the dark thoughts close in and you feel it is all too much - come volunteer at somewhere like this. Helping others doing it tough can be enormously therapeutic and may help you reflect on your own life and see it in a different light.

Keep fighting dudes.

I ain’t giving up just yet.

💪🤘👍✌️🙏
Click to expand...
IMG_9930.jpeg
 

🥰 Love BigFooty? Join now for free.

Thanks dudes - and a special thanks to… well, the person knows already 🙏

I have another appointment with my psychiatrist next Wednesday, and the following day a consultation with Basic Rights QLD.

Wednesday I’ll be seeking a return to the DSP - I gave working a crack after 8 years on it (TPD established in 2014) but now it’s just beyond my reach, again.

I’ve had many convos over the years around the DSP being a holy grail, and I guess when you feel it’s warranted but denied, it can represent a place of solace. But man….when you can’t work, over time that becomes really crushing. The DSP helps of course, but the daily trauma of feeling useless really hammers you.

The meeting the following day is representative of a different course and right now I won’t go into details as I’m hoping it won’t be required.

As for accommodation, I’m sorted until the weekend and maybe longer. I’m mindful of not being a burden on the 2 friends I’m relying on. They have jobs, families, mortgages etc and it’s not really their problem.

It’s a campaigner of a thing. I feel really lost here as my wife and family supports are all based in Thailand. And that’s where I’m safest, have emotional and familial support and ongoing housing on the farm. However being able to permanently live there faces some barriers - purely financial.

But - one day at a time.

Sometimes I wish I had caught that flight from New York to SFO 😐

Thanks all for your kindness and encouragement.
 
Apologies if it appears I am taking over the thread, but writing stuff to invisible readers does help me organise my thoughts.

Mods, feel free to do what you gotta do if this is the case.

So, the whole process in this war on life has taken another turn......

I have accommodation at least until the second week of June, although the money scenario remains beholden to Services Australia's timeline ($120 on Friday, a full JS payment on May 30). But, I don't really have any expenses outside of maintaining a pretty small debt servicing responsibility (total liabilities are about 6k).

My medical condition around mental health was diagnosed in 2006 as major depression with suicidal ideation and I've been unmedicated since 2018, since there isn't anything that works. Aside from the hit-and-miss nature of psych drugs, my genetics (3 generations of related males have killed themselves and my biological mother is schizophrenic), the other complication revolves around my TBI in 1997 (cerebral aneurysm, which was clipped....I have a 2mm titanium clip holding shit together in my brain). That has made treatment options almost non-existent after a few obvious options, as some options are off the table due to my ideation. The outcomes for people who survive that aren't really understood, as the data sets are too small both in number and in timescale to offer any meaningful reference point for medical professionals

I can manage it, but it wasn't until I lived on a farm for 6 months in the NE of Thailand near Laos and the Mekong River that the full suite of life's offering really hammered home. Ain't no bar girls up there....no bars, niteclubs or even restaurants and in my time there I saw one other foreigner....its a farming village, not a tourist destination, even for off the beaten track types/backpackers etc. I haven't visited everywhere in the world and I'm sure there'd be other places that produced the positive therapeutic outcomes that 6 months there did....I came back to Australia changed man.

But, sadly, living away from there and being away from my wife has just become too much and all the shit I thought I'd solved has come roaring back with a familiar intensity.

So, with accommodation now sorted and somewhere safe to sleep, I've been able to turn my mind towards solving the other problems.

The health stuff isn't ever going to change and I have no support networks here in Australia. So, I'm planning on taking my remaining 20k of superannuation and moving back there to live. There's a few hoops to jump through around that and I'm planning to pay off all my debts before I do depart to ensure I don't have any lingering issues that will haunt and trouble me. Once there, my wife and I feel we can start a business of some kind and live a frugal yet satisfying life.

I've never been an aspirational person - I know what I need and that's enough. Curiously, when I am surrounded by "stuff", material possessions, people on the corporate ladder, opulence and excess etc etc, my thinking nosedives.....it is possible that one can be born a caring, aware individual who understands that equality places a responsibility on both individuals and society and that, when I live somewhere where that isn't the dominant social paradigm, all of my thinking turns inwards into shadows.....I don't know.

I do know that the homeless shelter I was at on Monday had loads of people, including young families. My heart breaks and I'm crying just recalling it. It's ****ing wrong, I'm sorry. Yes maybe reasons blah blah blah....but, as a 54 year old white male, my needs are far less than theirs and being in that system challenges my perception of self and societal interaction.....in other words, help them first, then worry about me later. I still adhere to the idea that I can make it on my own, if you understand what I mean. That's probably a combination of pride, therapy, stupidity and a dogged determination to not give up.

So, I'm into the administrative phase of this process of government services, medical assessments etc....and the lure of returning to a place that nourishes me in a profound way. I'll never be materially wealthy and I've never wanted that. I just want to have some peaceful thinking and worthwhile endeavour to occupy my days, and that's where it is.....

I'm gonna go home.
 
SeaOfFire said:
Apologies if it appears I am taking over the thread, but writing stuff to invisible readers does help me organise my thoughts.

Mods, feel free to do what you gotta do if this is the case.

So, the whole process in this war on life has taken another turn......

I have accommodation at least until the second week of June, although the money scenario remains beholden to Services Australia's timeline ($120 on Friday, a full JS payment on May 30). But, I don't really have any expenses outside of maintaining a pretty small debt servicing responsibility (total liabilities are about 6k).

My medical condition around mental health was diagnosed in 2006 as major depression with suicidal ideation and I've been unmedicated since 2018, since there isn't anything that works. Aside from the hit-and-miss nature of psych drugs, my genetics (3 generations of related males have killed themselves and my biological mother is schizophrenic), the other complication revolves around my TBI in 1997 (cerebral aneurysm, which was clipped....I have a 2mm titanium clip holding shit together in my brain). That has made treatment options almost non-existent after a few obvious options, as some options are off the table due to my ideation. The outcomes for people who survive that aren't really understood, as the data sets are too small both in number and in timescale to offer any meaningful reference point for medical professionals

I can manage it, but it wasn't until I lived on a farm for 6 months in the NE of Thailand near Laos and the Mekong River that the full suite of life's offering really hammered home. Ain't no bar girls up there....no bars, niteclubs or even restaurants and in my time there I saw one other foreigner....its a farming village, not a tourist destination, even for off the beaten track types/backpackers etc. I haven't visited everywhere in the world and I'm sure there'd be other places that produced the positive therapeutic outcomes that 6 months there did....I came back to Australia changed man.

But, sadly, living away from there and being away from my wife has just become too much and all the shit I thought I'd solved has come roaring back with a familiar intensity.

So, with accommodation now sorted and somewhere safe to sleep, I've been able to turn my mind towards solving the other problems.

The health stuff isn't ever going to change and I have no support networks here in Australia. So, I'm planning on taking my remaining 20k of superannuation and moving back there to live. There's a few hoops to jump through around that and I'm planning to pay off all my debts before I do depart to ensure I don't have any lingering issues that will haunt and trouble me. Once there, my wife and I feel we can start a business of some kind and live a frugal yet satisfying life.

I've never been an aspirational person - I know what I need and that's enough. Curiously, when I am surrounded by "stuff", material possessions, people on the corporate ladder, opulence and excess etc etc, my thinking nosedives.....it is possible that one can be born a caring, aware individual who understands that equality places a responsibility on both individuals and society and that, when I live somewhere where that isn't the dominant social paradigm, all of my thinking turns inwards into shadows.....I don't know.

I do know that the homeless shelter I was at on Monday had loads of people, including young families. My heart breaks and I'm crying just recalling it. It's ****ing wrong, I'm sorry. Yes maybe reasons blah blah blah....but, as a 54 year old white male, my needs are far less than theirs and being in that system challenges my perception of self and societal interaction.....in other words, help them first, then worry about me later. I still adhere to the idea that I can make it on my own, if you understand what I mean. That's probably a combination of pride, therapy, stupidity and a dogged determination to not give up.

So, I'm into the administrative phase of this process of government services, medical assessments etc....and the lure of returning to a place that nourishes me in a profound way. I'll never be materially wealthy and I've never wanted that. I just want to have some peaceful thinking and worthwhile endeavour to occupy my days, and that's where it is.....

I'm gonna go home.
Click to expand...

Stay strong mate. The wheel will turn, you've got this.
 
Music

I care.

And that makes me weak.

To some.

To me?

Makes me strong.

And then I engage with this place, this HERE, this MOMENT.

And suddenly I am weak?

**** all y'all.

Come to me. On the street. And I will destroy you.

Because I can die, by my hand. That's easy.

But you, you weak, useless campaigner, you cannot take anything from me. There's nothing left for you to take.

I live here, in THIS place.

I have nothing. But I give everything.

And THAT is why I will win.

Peace.
 
Life is not a dick-measuring competition.

It is to be lived, to be experienced, to be understood.

And to be shared.

So ****ING SHARE.

**** me....why I even have to express this shows you how far from HUMANITY we actually are.
 
Hope everyone is ok itt.

Weekends are still tough, I barely leave the house. But work is going along great. My coordinator has approved I go 4 days a week next term, because im just exhausted. I think it will help alot. And I feel like its made a huge difference already, as I'm looking forward to it now. (Still got 6 weeks of T2 left tho)
 

Remove this Banner Ad

Health Depression

🥰 Love BigFooty? Join now for free.

Back
Top