Divorce

[Duritz]

Who has been through it? What's the other side like?

Asking for a friend.

 

[Shell]

Otherside is not bad going from the experience of my cousin- who is a few years younger than me.

Got married at like late 20s- wife didnt want to be married but went thru with the wedding any way- marriage broke down in less than a year.

Now he's happily living with a gf who loves him, with plans to travel, etc.

And I am going to catch up with him in the first time in a few years, in a couple of weeks

 

[Perth gal]

Who has been through it? What's the other side like?

Asking for a friend.

 

[Catfish Alley]

I know quite a few people who have great second marriages. It's like they had to have that first one to find out what they really want.

 

[Off The Couch]

I've been through it - had an 18mth old at the time so that made it a little harder but it was better than staying in a relationship that wasn't working. Financially it was very tough and it did seem like I was starting from scratch after having worked so hard but again I'd go through it all again just for the peace it brings

It also depends I think on the attitude that you move forward with - you can hang on to that anger and bitterness or you can acknowledge it for what it was and wipe the slate clean and start again when you're ready, with maybe (hopefully) a better idea/understanding of what you are looking for

Good luck to your friend

 

[Quadzilla]

I've been through it - had an 18mth old at the time so that made it a little harder but it was better than staying in a relationship that wasn't working. Financially it was very tough and it did seem like I was starting from scratch after having worked so hard but again I'd go through it all again just for the peace it brings

It also depends I think on the attitude that you move forward with - you can hang on to that anger and bitterness or you can acknowledge it for what it was and wipe the slate clean and start again when you're ready, with maybe (hopefully) a better idea/understanding of what you are looking for

Good luck to your friend

Similar ... had a 2yo when we split. Anger and bitterness at first but for your kid you work it out and let go. Tough financially too.

Don't stay if its not working.

Good luck from me too.

 

[Catfish Alley]

Was it the stress of kids that pushed it over the edge?

 

[Off The Couch]

Was it the stress of kids that pushed it over the edge?

I wouldn't say it was stress but more the realisation that we were in different places in our lives and that with kids come change and he wasn't ready for that. In his defence we were both so young at the time - we were only early 20's and maybe if we had waited it may have been different

 

[Shell]

How much does a divorce actually cost? Or does it depend on different factors.

 

[Quadzilla]

How much does a divorce actually cost? Or does it depend on different factors.

Depends on lawyers...if they're involved ... heaps.

You can file and mediate and sort it yourself... not much

 

[Bomberboyokay]

One day, your wife is making you your favorite meal. The next day you're thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink.

 

[Quadzilla]

One day, your wife is making you your favorite meal. The next day you're thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink.

I got dropped at a seaside pub in Adelaide with a week's bed money, a back pack of my stuff working 'call in casual' for a govt dept as she drove away in my car, to my house with my son. Good weight loss walking and eating little

 

[Off The Couch]

Mine came home one Friday night after drinks with the boys and said I don't want to do this anymore and that was the last my daughter and I saw of him

 

[RelaxMax]

Who has been through it? What's the other side like?

Asking for a friend.

*raises hand*

Breaking up was harder than the divorce itself

Letting go and moving on takes some time but it's worth it in the long run

The actual divorce we sorted ourselves a couple of years later when he wanted to marry someone else

No kids or hard feelings were involved so that made things much easier to manage

He is now happier with his current wife and I'm happier with my current life

Hope it goes as "smoothly" for your friend

 

[MrsEddieBetts]

As someone whose parents divorced, I have to say that while it was hard, it was a shitload better than listening to them fight every single day over the stupidest shit. I think when people stay together 'for the children' it can do more harm than good.

 

[Gough]

As someone whose parents divorced, I have to say that while it was hard, it was a shitload better than listening to them fight every single day over the stupidest shit. I think when people stay together 'for the children' it can do more harm than good.

My folks did that, made each other miserable for at least five years longer than they needed to.

 

[Shell]

As someone whose parents divorced, I have to say that while it was hard, it was a shitload better than listening to them fight every single day over the stupidest shit. I think when people stay together 'for the children' it can do more harm than good.

As Dr Phil always says: it's better to come from a broken home, than live in one.

 

[Shell]

Depends on lawyers...if they're involved ... heaps.

You can file and mediate and sort it yourself... not much

Yeah that's what I thought. ****en lawyers hey.

 

[Billy ray]

I went thru my separation last year, luckily for me and my ex and our kids, it all went amicably and the only lawyer involved was a fixed $1500 fee we paid to write up the consent orders (which basically detailed the financial split, and was stamped by the magistrates court - no one went to court or anything).

its now over 12 months and I can file for divorce - which I understand can be done online and costs a few hundred $$ (haven't checked exactly).
The only reason to do the divorce in reality (as we have split the financial loot already) is if one of us wants to marry again (cant be married twice at one time) - so there is no urgency to do so and some people stay separated for many years.

I probably will get around to doing the divorce before the end of the year (just to finish it off) - I have found when dating this past year that some women (these are single girls who have never been married) interpret my non-divorce as being some sign I will get back with my ex wife one day (which is not the case) - obviously dating separated, but not divorced yet (like me) girls understand the drill...

 

[Shell]

I went thru my separation last year, luckily for me and my ex and our kids, it all went amicably and the only lawyer involved was a fixed $1500 fee we paid to write up the consent orders (which basically detailed the financial split, and was stamped by the magistrates court - no one went to court or anything).

The only reason to do the divorce in reality (as we have split the financial loot already) is if one of us wants to marry again (cant be married twice at one time) - so there is no urgency to do so and some ..

That is not the world according to perthblue

Srsly- good to hear it has all worked out okay. And FWIW, I wouldnt assume a separated/almost divorced guy would be getting back with their wife. If I was having an affair with a married man, that's a complete different kettle of fish, of course they (usually) never leave their wife.

Having said that it's all moot, I'd never have an affair with a married man.

 

[Billy ray]

That is not the world according to perthblue

Srsly- good to hear it has all worked out okay. And FWIW, I wouldnt assume a separated/almost divorced guy would be getting back with their wife. If I was having an affair with a married man, that's a complete different kettle of fish, of course they (usually) never leave their wife.

Having said that it's all moot, I'd never have an affair with a married man.

thanks Shell.
I was part of the great break-up avalanche of 2016 where around 5-6 couples I know - all together for 8-15 years each) broke up.
ours was perfect and everyone says my ex and/or I should write a book. the other ones are caught up with lawyers, at each others throats, living under the same room but separately (with new partners) and all sorts of horribleness. and they all have kids and I feel for the poor kids...
my ex and I speak or message most if not each day to talk kids stuff, help eachother out with advance notice and late notice, and basically get on well - which we need to as we will be co-parents until the day we die. we just want eachother to be happy again - and we both are.
but it was a journey, partic at the start.

anyone reading this thread want to chat about this stuff or your situation, pm me at any time.

 

[Shell]

Just a side comment- when my cousins marriage broke down I literally had NFI what to say to him. I couldnt even form the words "I'm sorry"- I felt so bad about that.

 

[Ripper]

A bit of background, fascinating article that is quite enlightening.

Langley distinguishes, based upon her interviews, four typical stages in marital breakdown.

(1) The wives begin to feel vaguely that “something is missing in their lives.” Then they experience a loss of interest in sexual relations with their husbands. The author is clear that her interviewees were not being “abused” or mistreated in any way. Nevertheless, in some cases “the women claimed that when their husbands touched them, they felt violated; they said their bodies would freeze up and they would feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach.”

(2) After a certain interval, they experience an unexpected reawakening of sexual desire—but not, alas, for their lawful husbands. In many cases, the women did not act upon their new desires quickly. Usually they would go through a period of feeling guilty, and sometimes try to assuage these feelings by increased attentiveness toward their husbands.

Women, says Langley, enter marriage assuming they are naturally monogamous. “Trying to be faithful doesn’t seem natural to them.” They recite the wedding vow in much the same spirit as they wear “something borrowed, something blue”—it is simply what one does at a wedding. Of course, a vow is no very serious undertaking to one who assumes she will never feel any temptation to break it.

My own research during 37 years of being married explains to me why many marriages fail when all the children leave home.

1: Mother has spent 20 years organising everyone up.
2: She looks around and there is no one left to organise up.
3: Except for One person that has gone under the radar for 20 years
4: All the organising up is directed at this person
5: If the person in question did not recognise this and rebelled there is trouble.
6: Best solution is to point out jokingly that just because there is no one left to organise up , there is no need to direct it all at Me.

I Hope this helps someone.

 

[Billy ray]

Just a side comment- when my cousins marriage broke down I literally had NFI what to say to him. I couldnt even form the words "I'm sorry"- I felt so bad about that.

Yep, it is hard for some people to deal with it when it happens to someone they know.
I was the same and had no idea what to say to the first of my group of friends who broke up. no one I knew growing up had divorced (my family are all Italian and will die married when they should divorce out of sheer spite!)

and when it happened to me, I found some others found it difficult to speak to me. if I could sense that, I usually just broke the ice with them and said something like dude, its ok, it happens, im in the majority now, im still me and we can still hang, talk shit, whatever.

as the say, there are plenty of fish in the sea (altho I did read that world fishing stocks are declining due to overfishing....)
bring on the robots.

 

[Shell]

Yep, it is hard for some people to deal with it when it happens to someone they know.
I was the same and had no idea what to say to the first of my group of friends who broke up. no one I knew growing up had divorced (my family are all Italian and will die married when they should divorce out of sheer spite!)

and when it happened to me, I found some others found it difficult to speak to me. if I could sense that, I usually just broke the ice with them and said something like dude, its ok, it happens, im in the majority now, im still me and we can still hang, talk shit, whatever.

as the say, there are plenty of fish in the sea (altho I did read that world fishing stocks are declining due to overfishing....)
bring on the robots.

It was the first divorce, ever in our family. That includes grandparents/aunts/uncles.

I also really liked his wife too, we got along really well. So I missed her, but the stories I heard about her (from my aunty) she was a complete bitch who was very selfish in the end. Going thru with a wedding, just because it's all organised/invitations sent out, etc is not the right thing to do if you really don't wish to marry the guy.