Jokes: The Good, The Bad and The Really Bad

[3066]

How about a quiz?

Q: What's the bird of Peace?
A: The Dove
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Q: what's the bird of Knowledge?
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A: The Owl.
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Q: What's the bird of Contraception?
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A: THE SWALLOW!!!

Thank you very much, I'll be here all week. Try the fish.

 

[ottoman]

A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The barman says "Hey we've got a drink named after you"
The grasshopper says "What. Dave?"

 

[Laurie Holden]

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tennish.

 

[Obese Arachnid]

Why do you put a baby feet first in the blender?

So you can watch the expression on it's face.

 

[ottoman]

What time do you go to the dentist
Twooth Hurty

 

[Laurie Holden]

Sooooooo bad! Keep them coming haha

 

[ottoman]

whats red and looks in the mirror
A baby combing his hair with a potato peeler

 

[Laurie Holden]

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face as I drove pasta!

 

[Laurie Holden]

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet?

Because the 'P' is silent.

 

[ottoman]

Why don't they play poker in Africa?
Too many Cheetahs.

 

[Laurie Holden]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked his problem out with a pencil.

 

[Laurie Holden]

What's Forrest Gump's password?

1Forrest1

 

[Laurie Holden]

Knock knock

 

[Laurie Holden]

who's there?

 

[Laurie Holden]

Brittany Spears

Brittany Spears who?

 

[Obese Arachnid]

Apologies to our Kiwi mates.

An Aussie is trekking through the beautiful countryside of the land of the long white cloud.
To his amazement & horror he spies a farmer getting friendly with the sheep.

He runs towards the bloke & says "Hey mate, what are you doing? We shear those things in Australia!!"

The Kiwi farmer replies in a thick Enzud voice (please say it in your head with an accent)
"Mate, I'm not shearing (sharing) it with anybody!!!!!!"

 

[Laurie Holden]

Knock knock


Who's there?




















Oops I did it again.

 

[Laurie Holden]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?


Bison.

 

[Rorzza]

What do you call a boomerang that does not come back? A stick.

 

[ottoman]

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.

 

[Obese Arachnid]

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

 

[Rorzza]

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? Woolly Jumper.

 

[Obese Arachnid]

What do get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? Woolly Jumper.

Dad, is that you?

 

[ottoman]

A blind man walks into a bar.. and a table and a chair.

 

[Reykjavik]

A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a beer." The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner.

"Hey boss" he says, "there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer."

The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer." So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a beer.

"You know," says the barkeep, "we don't get many horses around here."

To which the horse replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."