Lame Jokes Part 2

[Damp Squarie]

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."
Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.

 

[Procrastinator35]

I don't think I could stomach getting into an exchange of puns with you.

I'd call that a lack of intestinal fortitude.

 

[worbod]

Did you hear about the man who was on trial for feeding his cows dynamite?
The jury said it was a-bomb-in-a-bull.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."
Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day:
Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?"

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What's George W. Bush's favourite Scottish duo?
The Disclaimers.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

 

[worbod]

Three mates are walking home, and as they turn the corner of a street, a power line falls down in front of them. The man who checks tickets on a tram for a living did not have time to react, stepped on the power line and died. The second man, who stands out the front of an orchestra for a living, went to help his friend, but when he made contact with his body he was immediately electrocuted. The third man, who works in a bakery, accidentally stepped on the power line, but he did not die. He was a non-conductor.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

 

[RedmanWasHere]

A Scotsman, an Irishman, an Aussie and an American walk into a gun shop.

Ah shoot, forgot the punchline.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Finnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“She spoke without interruption for about 40 years,” said Finnegan.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Person 1: Did you hear any ads about Pink Panther on radio?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: Me neither.
Person 1: All I heard was;

"Dead air."
"Dead air."
"Dead air."
"Dead air."
"Dead air."
"Dead air."
"Dead air."
"Dead aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir."

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Just come across this again.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Just went into the pub and asked for a pint of anything except Stella.
"What's wrong with Stella..?" asked the Barman.
"I had 12 pints of Stella last night and the next thing I remember, I was ****ing skint." I replied.
"12 pints of anything costs roughly the same, mate." He said.
"Yeah, I know." I replied. "But Skint is my dog."

 

[Procrastinator35]

Glass coffins....Will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

 

[GreyCrow]

 

[worbod]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Finnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“She spoke without interruption for about 40 years,” said Finnegan.

I’ve leafed through this thread and the ‘Pearlers’ one. You have literally the worst sense of humour I’ve ever come across.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I've eaten too much Mexican food.

Let's not taco bout it.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I worked at a cobbler's once but they gave me the boot.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Had a listen to The Cars for a pick-me-up the other day.

Just What I Needed.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

The bottoms of trees leave me feeling stumped.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

No wonder I have to take my shoes off.

They're constantly tonguing for air.

 

[Procrastinator35]

What do you call a bloke with no arms & no legs in a swimming-pool?

Bob.

 

[Walesy]

What do you call a bloke with no arms & no legs in a swimming-pool?

An ambulance.

 

[worbod]

A riddle to be told with a Scottish accent:


Q. If there are ten cows in a field, which one is closest to Saudi Arabia?

A. Coo eight.