Lame Jokes Part 2

[MightyMark]

The jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

Truly Lame

 

[Quadzilla]

For some people the only puns they make are about dairy products, because the rest are just too cheesy. When they think of one, they tend to milk it for all it's worth. Usually I don't think they're gouda enough, but we could find a whey to cream off the best ones.
I cheddar to think what they'll come out with next.

 

[Quadzilla]

I bought a boomerang off a ghost the other day...that will come back to haunt me.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I bought a boomerang off a ghost the other day...that will come back to haunt me.

Perfect. .

 

[Bomber32]

At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought the buildings and converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of German tourists who liked to have their pets with them while vacationing in England. One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to come out of the house. "Just listen!" he urged. "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

 

[Bomber32]

In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened. He listened to the story in amazement. As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad - Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

 

[Bomber32]

There are many businesses that are home to resident cats. One particular bar in our neighborhood has a very well groomed resident cat who is quite friendly. In fact the owner has a rule that no customer may order a drink without having the kitty sit in his lap and groom herself for a while. He wants to be sure that all his customers can hold their licker.

 

[Quadzilla]

There was a Clown that got fired from his job.... So he's suing the Circus for funfair dismissal.

 

[Quadzilla]

A clown retires and decides to hand over the business to his son.
His son says: "I dunno, Dad, those are big shoes to fill."

 

[Double the Fist]

A clown retires and decides to hand over the business to his son.
His son says: "I dunno, Dad, those are big shoes to fill."

Gold

 

[Double the Fist]

A man comes into a bar on all fours with a naked girl curled up on his back.
The barman gives him a beer then says.... "Mate, I have to ask, why are you on your hands and knees like that?"
The man replies "I'm a tortoise!"
The Barman says, "Whats the shelia on your back for?"
"Oh!" said the man on the floor, "That's Michelle!" (my shell)

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Seeing so many trees cut has left me stumped.

 

[Bomber32]

What do you call a Chinese comedian?

Foo Ling.

 

[Bomber32]

A yellow car was parked outside a police station.

The owner was in custardy.

 

[Damp Squarie]

The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years." Replied the drunk: "Can I help it if you can't get promoted?",

If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.


After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional, Drive badly, Stop thinking, & Fight for nothing
Women can do all these without drinking!

A shy man was feeling a little lucky and decided to ask the subdued provocative Librarian about seduction as he tended to be oblique in his intentions. “Do you have any books on women seducing men?''
The Librarian answered without hesitation '' Why yes" she murmured.
Most likely found in the '' Fantasy section"

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."


If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?


“Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?”
“Darling, of course I do.”

Q: What's got four legs and no ears?
A: Mike Tyson's dog.


Do you know the difference between genius and stupid? "Genius has its limits."


Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.


The economy is getting so bad; the other day my ATM gave me an IOU


What's a nice girl like you doing in a mind like mine?


Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp biscuit


Ah! Yes, love is blind, and marriage is and eye opener!

What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care!

 

[Damp Squarie]

An Irish Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. ~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... Look Paddy....”There's that f**king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!”

 

[quin_stick]

What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad

 

[danger_to_walker]

This works much better when you're actually telling it to someone, but anyway, apologies in advance:

There was a guy who grew up on a farm, and had an absolute obsession with tractors. As a kid he had toy tractors galore, the walls of his room were plastered with pictures and posters of tractors, big and small, old and new. On his wall was a tractor shaped clock, he even slept in a tractor shaped bed.
As he got older, he learned to drive and operate tractors. Over the years he accumulated tractors galore, he just absolutely loved tractors, until one day, whilst out working on his tractor, he fell off of it, and the tractor came to a stop on top of him.

Luckily one of his farm workers had seen the incident and rushed over to help him. The man was rushed to hospital, and had sustained life threatening injuries; both of his legs were crushed, his pelvis broken, both his arms broken, several broken ribs, internal injuries and bleeding. The guy was in intensive care for weeks, but managed to pull through. He had to undergo months of physical therapy, but eventually, he was able to walk again, and proceed with his life. Mentally scarred, he vowed to never work with tractos again, he sold all of the tractors on his farm, and completely removed anything tractor related from his life.

A few months after returning home, he was down at the local pub having a drink when a gorgeous young girl was giving him the eye. She came over and they started talking. The two were getting on like a house on fire, when the girl said, "I'm sorry, I'm having a fantastic time, but I have to leave."
The man asks, "Why? Is it something I've done?"
She replied, "No, you're fantastic, and I'd love to see you again, it's just all the cigarette smoke in this bar is getting to me, my asthma is starting to play up, and my eyes are beginning to tear up."
With this, the man says, "Why didn't you mention it earlier?" and walked over to the middle of the bar where he puts his hands on his hips and began to breathe in deeply. He continued to inhale for what seemed like minutes, breathing in all of the smoke that filled the air. Once the air was clear, he walks outside and blew all of the smoke into the night air. The young woman was amazed and asked him, "How on earth did you do that? I've never seen anything like it before?!"
To which the man replies, "Honey, it's easy, I'm an ex-tractor fan."

 

[jbass002]

Two antenna's get married, the party was horrible but the reception was great

 

[Kelsey Krakauer]

Why was the scientist's head wet?
He had a brainstorm

 

[Andonis1997]

I went to the store to buy some camouflage pants the other day.
I couldn't find any.

I was playing Water-horse yesterday.
The horse drowned.

 

[4evablues]

What's red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket

What's green and looks like a bucket?

"A green bucket" No....A red bucket in disguise LAME!!!

 

[4evablues]

What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?

Lost

What do you call Postman Pat when he retires?

Pat

 

[Quadzilla]

I was gonna make another gay joke, butt heck it.

 

[Damp Squarie]

I asked my grandson to pass me the Sunday Mail this morning, and he laughed at me.
Told me to use his iPad instead.
Bloody spider never knew what hit it!