Lame Jokes Part 2

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Goats are chewing on a film canister that a movie studio threw in the trash. One turns to another and says "I liked the book better."

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

man walks in to a library and says to the librarian: "Fish and chips please"
The librarian says: "This is a library"
The man says oh sorry *wisper* fish and chips please

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Bomber32 got any more ?

 

[Bomber32]

A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old lady walked by and asked, "Why don't you take a bus home?"

The drunk replied, "My wife would never let me keep it!"

 

[Bomber32]

A squirrel is chillin' in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.

"Whatcha doin' here?" asks the squirrel.

"I'm here to eat some apples." replied the cow.

"But this is a pine tree!"

"I know. I brought my own apples."

 

[Bomber32]

What did Satan say when he started to go bald?

There's going to be hell toupee!

 

[Bomber32]

Do you ever wonder what eternity means?

All the time....

 

[Bomber32]

What’s a novel?

Well, you see, it’s kind of a long story....

 

[Bomber32]

My dermatologist is very successful; however, he had to build his practice from scratch.

Unlike other dermatologists who promise an immediate cure, he does not make rash promises.

 

[Bomber32]

The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

 

[Bomber32]

Tonya Harding donned her ice skates and competed again this week after many years away from the sport. Asked why she is returning to competition after such a long layoff, Tonya said she just felt like taking another whack at it.

 

[Bomber32]

I walked off the job at the helium factory last week.

Why?

I just didn't like being spoken to in that tone of voice.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire to keep warm But when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Does this smell like chloroform to you ???

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Why did the baby cross the road?

Because it was riding on the chicken

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

I saw a sign that made me piss myself yesterday.

It said: "toilets closed".

 

[Bomber32]

A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness, timidly approached the check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel.

"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favoring the young man with a perceptive wink.

"Suite 16?"

"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Have you heard the one about the wall?, you'll never get over it.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A young woman is dead and the up and coming athlete Oscar Pistorious' life is ruined and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... I mean pathetic.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Did you hear someone stole the toilet down at the police station?
The cops don't have a thing to go on.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Walk this way.
(If she could walk that way, she wouldn't need the talcum powder.)

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

How do mathematicians solve constipation?
Same as everything else they work it out with a pencil.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

What's Irish and sits on the porch?
Paddy O'Furniture.